I'm tired. I'm tired of living under the shadows of the people that robbed me of my childhood. I'm tired of living with a straight face because I know better than to show people how I feel. I'm tired of hating myself for every word that comes out of my mouth. I'm tired of having my happiness taken away from me. And I hate that it can be. I'm not a person anymore. I'm an expended resource. I gave all the love that I could have given, and have none left for myself. I can't live with myself but I'm terrified to die. I'm a coward. My last suicide attempt failed and it cost me everything. I am embarrassed and ashamed. There are no words for how infinitely empty I feel. I am guilty of so many terrible things and I can't be with myself, by myself. I wish my son was here. And I wish his mom still loved me. I'm so alone and so angry. Every sacrifice I've made has been in vain. I've been stagnating for 2 months and I can't do anything, but I keep going to sleep instead of going to sleep. And every time I wake up, I hate myself for it.
BigPP
Already dead
- Apr 30, 2022
- 27
I feel that. I hope you start to wake up feeling a little better every day. Not sure if you are asking, but as far as advice, I would say fuck em. Bail. And I don't mean to kill yourself, I mean leave. See if you feel better when you are not surrounded by the people who make your life worse. If you don't, you can always ctb later, and if you do that would be amazing! I moved 1.5k miles away and my happiness went up by like 10%, which isn't alot, but it is when you feel the way we do. Be strong
CrazyMary
Student
- Sep 20, 2020
- 135
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,160
It sounds like you are suffering a lot and I can imagine that it must be unbearable. I'm sorry that you have to endure so much pain. Feeling like you are unable to go through with ctb does not mean that you are cowardly, dying really is so difficult after all and if it was easier to leave I would already be gone. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.
Judy Garland
HoHum
- Mar 23, 2022
- 826
All of what you said resonates with me deeply. Childhood is such a crucial point in a life. It's a foundation that an adult life uses to build whatever house they may want. Without that foundation, everything the person tries to build crumbles eventually. I've given all I can too. I made a lot of horrific mistakes, especially while I took care of my Grandmother. I hope I'm not dark (evil) for regret all of my mistakes and I wish I could change the past so bad. The past which haunts me in horrible ways. Everyone would hate me if they knew of the mistakes I made. I would be crucified and told that I was pure evil. But how can that be if I don't want to be evil and I'm truly sorry for the bad deeds I have done. I just wanted to be a good man, in every situation. And I fell short so many times. I'm so sorry and sad about so many things. I can't live like this. Psychiatry/therapists don't help, all I can do is talk to them. I can't live long like this. My head is always down and I am always in a depressed state. I can't go on for much longer.
