Venting This divorce has killed me

[todiefor]

I've already decided in the last 6 months that I will ctb because of everything that has happened around this divorce, there's been a full year of abuse, after 10 years of marriage to then have your most trusted person maliciously tell you to kill yourself, tell you everything about you is garbage and that they always hated me for the last 10 years, watch and laugh and goat me into panic attacks and then leave me alone in the house, and just so much more abuse.

But now I still have to go through the divorce so I can give the money to my parents, and it's something I must do since I will not be there to look after them in their old age or give them grand children, as well as causing them unimaginable pain.

I just really don't have the strength, even with the ctb planned I just don't have the strength to go through with the divorce. I am so panicked, so betrayed, so paralysed so sick to the stomach, I forget to breathe, and just so sad, i hate myself so much for not being able to handle this, I hate myself so much for barely being able to even get angry at this, just pathetic and resigned while someone abused me, I just can't do it. I just want to ctb now but I know I can't. Why has my life come to this, why did this happen? is it really how it's going to end?

I've been spiritually dead for 6 months already, why do I still let myself even react to this.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds so horrible suffering like that and it must be torturous but anyway I wish you the best and I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[hellispink]

things always seem to get worse. I understand that feeling that the world is collapsing and having to deal with it is extremely unbearable. I cant imagine what is like to give someone so many years to then be betrayed the worst way possible, humans are the worse

 

[itsjustit]

sorry you're going through this. Am going through something similar myself and know how you feel. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.