Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,680
Um, so basically I reached out to Berry again. If you don't know, she was a member on this site who messaged me first like a month ago and said she was attracted to me from my posts. I had no reason to expect this because I was absolutely not trying to have that happen at all. I wrote about it here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pros-and-cons-for-me-to-not-have-children.50495/ and here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/love-and-loss-found-on-ss-my-crazy-week.49753/
Messaging with her went pretty well actually, although she actually moved far away and she did some...let's say self-destructive things because she was probably also messed up by this experience unfortunately. Even though we're back on speaking terms now, she still thinks I could probably do better than her. We are very similar so I believe she probably is afraid I would put her on some kind of pedestal (which is true) and that she's afraid of living up to my expectations (which I think she won't have to worry about because being the one with less experience I expect almost nothing). My theory is maybe she's also aware that I'm not independent enough to be able to support her (which is a very real concern since I mostly have only lived with family). She compared me to a lion raised in captivity who is slowly going mad from the boredom despite having most of my needs met (this is probably very true too actually).
She told me to improve and change for the better. Honestly I was very willing to do that if we actually had gotten into a relationship but she, always being one step ahead of me, knows that I would only be doing it for her which she doesn't want (which is also fair for her not to want).
The problem is that I'm fucking terrible at doing good things for myself that take effort. I can only do those things for other people, and only if I care about them or am pretending to care about them. My self hatred runs so deep that I will literally punish myself if I start feeling too happy. I don't think I have any way of controlling this either because I've crafted such an impenetrable fortress of reasons and excuses blocking the way that there's no way I could save myself. And why should I bother with myself? That selfish asshole is always doing terrible things to me and to others, why should I care about him? As I've said before, I always feel like two separate beings that are equally shitty and hate each other so much. I don't know any differences between them and I never know which one I am, but all I do know is that the moments I was talking to Berry before bad stuff went down were the only moments I ever truly felt like myself. Like one singular person who focused all its energy on loving her instead of hating itself. Knowing that that is the way out for me makes it even more difficult for me to actually even want to go down this road of self-improvement on my own. I know she's a really smart person and she was a lot like me before her previous traumatizing relationship with another guy (which I think she talked about here too) where she gave herself up completely. She's knowingly afraid that I would do the same for her but right now I have no reason to believe she'd ruin me like that at all. I don't know. I just don't believe I have the strength to not be able to become attached. I used to at least be more comfortable with being alone before I met her but now I can't go back to that and I also can't go forward if it means I have to be the one to force myself to improve because I just know that stupid fucking idiot inside of me, both of those idiots actually, would not let me.
Now that I'm back to being this fractured entity, I just want to give up so badly. I want to at least kill him (me) for being so awful to me (him). If this is what it's going to have to take for me to have a decent life, then I don't want it. All of these deadlines I've been putting off thanks to my depression over the initial heartbreak are also starting to be too much to deal with and I just want to walk out so badly but I know that I can't yet. I'm thinking of ordering SN soon and dying at 28 instead of when I turn 30. I know that still seems like a lot of time to wait (me being 26 right now), but I just can't see myself ever truly growing up so I think now is a better time than ever to say that yes, I'm finally giving up. I'll still attempt to graduate university and pretend to be friendly over the next 1.33333 years but after that I'm gone. If you're still reading, I'm sorry you had to endure this whiny-ass, shitty post.
Messaging with her went pretty well actually, although she actually moved far away and she did some...let's say self-destructive things because she was probably also messed up by this experience unfortunately. Even though we're back on speaking terms now, she still thinks I could probably do better than her. We are very similar so I believe she probably is afraid I would put her on some kind of pedestal (which is true) and that she's afraid of living up to my expectations (which I think she won't have to worry about because being the one with less experience I expect almost nothing). My theory is maybe she's also aware that I'm not independent enough to be able to support her (which is a very real concern since I mostly have only lived with family). She compared me to a lion raised in captivity who is slowly going mad from the boredom despite having most of my needs met (this is probably very true too actually).
She told me to improve and change for the better. Honestly I was very willing to do that if we actually had gotten into a relationship but she, always being one step ahead of me, knows that I would only be doing it for her which she doesn't want (which is also fair for her not to want).
The problem is that I'm fucking terrible at doing good things for myself that take effort. I can only do those things for other people, and only if I care about them or am pretending to care about them. My self hatred runs so deep that I will literally punish myself if I start feeling too happy. I don't think I have any way of controlling this either because I've crafted such an impenetrable fortress of reasons and excuses blocking the way that there's no way I could save myself. And why should I bother with myself? That selfish asshole is always doing terrible things to me and to others, why should I care about him? As I've said before, I always feel like two separate beings that are equally shitty and hate each other so much. I don't know any differences between them and I never know which one I am, but all I do know is that the moments I was talking to Berry before bad stuff went down were the only moments I ever truly felt like myself. Like one singular person who focused all its energy on loving her instead of hating itself. Knowing that that is the way out for me makes it even more difficult for me to actually even want to go down this road of self-improvement on my own. I know she's a really smart person and she was a lot like me before her previous traumatizing relationship with another guy (which I think she talked about here too) where she gave herself up completely. She's knowingly afraid that I would do the same for her but right now I have no reason to believe she'd ruin me like that at all. I don't know. I just don't believe I have the strength to not be able to become attached. I used to at least be more comfortable with being alone before I met her but now I can't go back to that and I also can't go forward if it means I have to be the one to force myself to improve because I just know that stupid fucking idiot inside of me, both of those idiots actually, would not let me.
Now that I'm back to being this fractured entity, I just want to give up so badly. I want to at least kill him (me) for being so awful to me (him). If this is what it's going to have to take for me to have a decent life, then I don't want it. All of these deadlines I've been putting off thanks to my depression over the initial heartbreak are also starting to be too much to deal with and I just want to walk out so badly but I know that I can't yet. I'm thinking of ordering SN soon and dying at 28 instead of when I turn 30. I know that still seems like a lot of time to wait (me being 26 right now), but I just can't see myself ever truly growing up so I think now is a better time than ever to say that yes, I'm finally giving up. I'll still attempt to graduate university and pretend to be friendly over the next 1.33333 years but after that I'm gone. If you're still reading, I'm sorry you had to endure this whiny-ass, shitty post.
