Venting Thinking of CTB calms me down then makes me panic. Please help.

[ljknljnlkjn]

Sometimes, I'm confronted with my problems and I look at CTB methods and fantasize about the comfort of non-existence and I calm down a bit. I think to myself, this pain is temporary. I won't have to live to suffer.

But almost every day, I've been hit with waves of extreme panic and guilt. I keep sobbing and shouting "I'm so incredibly sorry" thinking about my mom and sister.

I'm just so.. incredibly sorry.

I don't feel that guilty towards the rest of my relationships, because i noticed that they deteriorate very fast as soon as I became depressed. As soon as the relashionship wasn't mutually beneficial it fizzled away. I can understand, I'm not a saint either.

But with my mom, I've been a huge burden, and she's still trying everything to help me. And it pains me so much how much I'd hurt her. I just wish she'd understand that Im really not interested in living, and that dying would spare me from living through suffering.

But who am I kidding? Nothing will console her when I'm gone. I'm being selfish, instead of being there and sharing the suffering of this world, I want to go and find peace. And I'd also be immensely increasing her worldly suffering. I feel like such a horrible person. But life is so painful, and CTBing makes so much sense to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish there's the option to just completely erase our existence so it's like we never existed at all, such a thing would prevent so much unnecessary suffering, it's really understandable just wanting to be at peace.