Interloper
■
- Jul 23, 2021
- 688
I think I've narrowed it down, not being able to comprehend nothingness is the primary thing that's scaring me. I know no one can really comprehend it, you can say it's just like before you were born but I can't comprehend that either so the comparison is meaningless to me. But maybe that's the point of it. It just fucks with my head, badly. Then there's the whole what-if about an afterlife. On one hand it's semi ingrained into me due to my upbringing but on the other hand it seems to quickly fall apart when I try to convince myself that my friend will be waiting there for me.
My insignificant brain knows it will likely wake up tomorrow, so it's okay with going to sleep. Turn that into permanent sleep? Hoo boy, freak-out central and there I go spiraling again. I've experienced most of the things I've wanted to experience now (due to this forum, funnily enough, but it has also shown me how much of a POS I truly am) and what's next, a cascade of physical health problems because of my neglect? It's going to get ugly, yet nothingness scares me enough to keep me from taking the plunge. I wish there was a fool proof way to trick my brain into thinking it's only a temporary sleep as I poison myself.
Alcohol doesn't help in shutting my brain up, only if I drink enough to also be basically incapacitated, same with benzos that I've tried (RCs at least) which puts me at risk of messing up the process. I'm never going to be able to comprehend nothingness, and I hate that I can't. Is it an ego thing? I'm just another puny human being. It wrecks my brain. Someone come whack me on the back of my skull with a baseball bat... Hard. This post is just all over the place, sorry. I'm tired of the person I am. Life and everything it entails just isn't for me. Almost 2 years here and still procrastinating. If anyone has any good posts by other members here, or book excerpts, about tackling nothingness and non-existence, do share.
My insignificant brain knows it will likely wake up tomorrow, so it's okay with going to sleep. Turn that into permanent sleep? Hoo boy, freak-out central and there I go spiraling again. I've experienced most of the things I've wanted to experience now (due to this forum, funnily enough, but it has also shown me how much of a POS I truly am) and what's next, a cascade of physical health problems because of my neglect? It's going to get ugly, yet nothingness scares me enough to keep me from taking the plunge. I wish there was a fool proof way to trick my brain into thinking it's only a temporary sleep as I poison myself.
Alcohol doesn't help in shutting my brain up, only if I drink enough to also be basically incapacitated, same with benzos that I've tried (RCs at least) which puts me at risk of messing up the process. I'm never going to be able to comprehend nothingness, and I hate that I can't. Is it an ego thing? I'm just another puny human being. It wrecks my brain. Someone come whack me on the back of my skull with a baseball bat... Hard. This post is just all over the place, sorry. I'm tired of the person I am. Life and everything it entails just isn't for me. Almost 2 years here and still procrastinating. If anyone has any good posts by other members here, or book excerpts, about tackling nothingness and non-existence, do share.