Seeing how much I've wrote I've just edited from help to venting. I wouldn't attempt to start such a mass of reading and will be surprised if anyone else does. I need to find a simple way of asking what I'm trying to ask.
I don't know know if you'd call it hate, anger, frustration or what... thinking what a pile of shit my existence has been for no cause. But there's nothing to directly focus hatred of it on anyway It's powerful and unnecessarily keeping me here
I'm physically very ill with several medical problems and doctors I see don't have the time to help me because my case is complex. Trouble is they left one thing untreated when I was young which caused more conditions then I got wound up with waiting months between tests so 4 years back I wasted my savings and got myself in debt 'self medicating' so now to the doctors they can easily call me a villain. What's getting to me all these years is that to sort me out even now would just take an hour of a doctors time and another couple specialist appointments. But I'm down to see the specialist again in 5 months to start medication for two of my illnesses the other 3 still need further referrals to separate specialist. Even then the medications take month to take effect. You can hardly get a doctor's appointment and it's difficult to get to see the same one so that they save their time by knowing your situation, helping both parties.
I had underlying anxiety and depression throughout childhood so school was a horror fest. I was a result of careless teenagers. My mum physically damaged me when I was under a year old to scare my dad into staying as the 'relationship' was a joke, ruining 16 years of his life, which he expects appreciation for. I gave him sorrow, not appreciation. They broke up when I was 15-16 and lost touch with my mother because her behaviour was shameful, un-loving and reaching that age you realize she was pocketing child benefit, money my dad was giving her while he paid for everything. My dad worked pretty hard but was an aggressive alcoholic to block out his crap life because he was trapped in the relationship so she just looked after me enough to avoid him noticing any neglect. I had nothing because of her, for example being an only child you'd have thought I was a child extremely neglected in the system to look at me and what I had. I am back in touch with my mother the last few years but we're not close, it's difficult to respect her since she will deny any wrongdoing. She has the ability to justify any of her actions.
My father I feel sorry for he made a terrible mistake getting my mum pregnant but he did what alot don't and took responsibility for it. I don't respect his do as I say attitude and determination not to listen and help his son when things could have been so different. He was just an aggressive arsehole with a drink but I think that's alot of father's, he would break my trust telling others of my problems and listen to their unwarranted advice on how to speak to me. Funny enough those same brilliant friends have since Shay on him and used him.
According to him I'd be the worst son going, despite trying to be a loving son. Because I didn't make him proud.
I have a relationship with both of them and their new lives as if we're friends now.
Then I became an alcoholic age 18 as it was the only thing that helped the anxiety and depression. At 18-19 I faced death due to gastro bleeding, from a genetic deformity these happened around 12 times in 4 years which were hell sofa surfing but mostly homeless. Now I have alot physically wrong.
Pituitary damage which messes with hormones so my thyroids haywire so I'm consistently sweating buckets even sitting. Nausea 24/7 headaches
A complex form of Arthritis
Osteoporosis
Diabetes
Hypogonadism
Addison's disease
Im just trying to let go of how I've been treated by many as the anger is the only thing keeping me from catching the train tonight. With my medical problems and proper treatment I could've had 10 years of a fair quality of life. Where's some have it handed so easy and will never know pain. They consider a broken hand or nose 'trauma'.
I think having such physical problems stopped me becoming a good man I think I could've gone on to help others. But now there's no chance of recovery mentally, I've lost the will to live despite what people say, you really can't get it back when you've truly lost it. And even if I hadn't, I've become too pessimistic and cynical that would just see the futility in helping people in a broken system
I guess I'm very immature in my angst against these people. Not just for myself but those who've had it much worse than me.I'm in my late twenties now and feel like a big angry kid in some ways despite being self sufficient since 23 whether it's just psychological or I haven't mentally matured. If I can deal and clear this part of me I really don't think I'll have a seconds hesitation ctb. It's like emotional baggage that I can't seem to put down. Despite all the self help things I've read and listened to.
Im trying to look at my suffering as a necessary part of entropy for this failed, cruel and disgusting species, but can't shake off thinking how many more must suffer before an asteroid wipes us out. Or a real pandemic hits (not this stupid Corona virus). I remember thinking a decade ago expecting if I saw the next decade it would be totally evident chaos was rising, but all I see is more and more foundations being built stronger to ensure more suffering.
I just want to see if anyone has anything to feedback if anyone even bothers to read. It has been good just to vent 'publicly' in a sense.
Best regards all.
I don't know know if you'd call it hate, anger, frustration or what... thinking what a pile of shit my existence has been for no cause. But there's nothing to directly focus hatred of it on anyway It's powerful and unnecessarily keeping me here
I'm physically very ill with several medical problems and doctors I see don't have the time to help me because my case is complex. Trouble is they left one thing untreated when I was young which caused more conditions then I got wound up with waiting months between tests so 4 years back I wasted my savings and got myself in debt 'self medicating' so now to the doctors they can easily call me a villain. What's getting to me all these years is that to sort me out even now would just take an hour of a doctors time and another couple specialist appointments. But I'm down to see the specialist again in 5 months to start medication for two of my illnesses the other 3 still need further referrals to separate specialist. Even then the medications take month to take effect. You can hardly get a doctor's appointment and it's difficult to get to see the same one so that they save their time by knowing your situation, helping both parties.
I had underlying anxiety and depression throughout childhood so school was a horror fest. I was a result of careless teenagers. My mum physically damaged me when I was under a year old to scare my dad into staying as the 'relationship' was a joke, ruining 16 years of his life, which he expects appreciation for. I gave him sorrow, not appreciation. They broke up when I was 15-16 and lost touch with my mother because her behaviour was shameful, un-loving and reaching that age you realize she was pocketing child benefit, money my dad was giving her while he paid for everything. My dad worked pretty hard but was an aggressive alcoholic to block out his crap life because he was trapped in the relationship so she just looked after me enough to avoid him noticing any neglect. I had nothing because of her, for example being an only child you'd have thought I was a child extremely neglected in the system to look at me and what I had. I am back in touch with my mother the last few years but we're not close, it's difficult to respect her since she will deny any wrongdoing. She has the ability to justify any of her actions.
My father I feel sorry for he made a terrible mistake getting my mum pregnant but he did what alot don't and took responsibility for it. I don't respect his do as I say attitude and determination not to listen and help his son when things could have been so different. He was just an aggressive arsehole with a drink but I think that's alot of father's, he would break my trust telling others of my problems and listen to their unwarranted advice on how to speak to me. Funny enough those same brilliant friends have since Shay on him and used him.
According to him I'd be the worst son going, despite trying to be a loving son. Because I didn't make him proud.
I have a relationship with both of them and their new lives as if we're friends now.
Then I became an alcoholic age 18 as it was the only thing that helped the anxiety and depression. At 18-19 I faced death due to gastro bleeding, from a genetic deformity these happened around 12 times in 4 years which were hell sofa surfing but mostly homeless. Now I have alot physically wrong.
Pituitary damage which messes with hormones so my thyroids haywire so I'm consistently sweating buckets even sitting. Nausea 24/7 headaches
A complex form of Arthritis
Osteoporosis
Diabetes
Hypogonadism
Addison's disease
Im just trying to let go of how I've been treated by many as the anger is the only thing keeping me from catching the train tonight. With my medical problems and proper treatment I could've had 10 years of a fair quality of life. Where's some have it handed so easy and will never know pain. They consider a broken hand or nose 'trauma'.
I think having such physical problems stopped me becoming a good man I think I could've gone on to help others. But now there's no chance of recovery mentally, I've lost the will to live despite what people say, you really can't get it back when you've truly lost it. And even if I hadn't, I've become too pessimistic and cynical that would just see the futility in helping people in a broken system
I guess I'm very immature in my angst against these people. Not just for myself but those who've had it much worse than me.I'm in my late twenties now and feel like a big angry kid in some ways despite being self sufficient since 23 whether it's just psychological or I haven't mentally matured. If I can deal and clear this part of me I really don't think I'll have a seconds hesitation ctb. It's like emotional baggage that I can't seem to put down. Despite all the self help things I've read and listened to.
Im trying to look at my suffering as a necessary part of entropy for this failed, cruel and disgusting species, but can't shake off thinking how many more must suffer before an asteroid wipes us out. Or a real pandemic hits (not this stupid Corona virus). I remember thinking a decade ago expecting if I saw the next decade it would be totally evident chaos was rising, but all I see is more and more foundations being built stronger to ensure more suffering.
I just want to see if anyone has anything to feedback if anyone even bothers to read. It has been good just to vent 'publicly' in a sense.
Best regards all.
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