greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 184
The title pretty much summarizes everything. I was molested when I was 7, and then again when I was 8 or 9 by one of my cousins whenever I would go over to his house to sleep over. However, I don't seem to care about that so much. Honestly, I didn't care about it at all until now when I realized how disgusting and bad it was until now. But even if I tell anyone this, they won't believe me. Just like every other human being on Earth, I have a record of lying. But, I lied when I was maybe 7 about my mom's boyfriend touching me inappropriately and I don't even remember knowing what the fuck I was even talking about. My principal found out and just started asking me questions while I was sitting there eating all her candy. She informed CPS and they came to my school. My mom arrived and was questioned as well. I honestly don't know how this (or if) it affected her because when I asked her, she would always give me a vague answer. That in itself is an answer. At the same time, my mom was being physically abused by her boyfriend (this went on for as long as I can remember until I moved away), and CPS somehow didn't find out about this. The worst thing about it was that he did it in front of me and didn't try to hide it. I didn't know what was going on, and would just say don't hit her without knowing what was going on. I was so ignorant. But apparently, I'm lucky I was and I didn't react to any of that. I don't think so. But that isn't my point. I lied again when I moved to Florida about my aunt punching me in the jaw and breaking it (It was evident that she didn't) to a friend on the bus. I was 9 years old. She then told her mother, who told the school, who questioned me and then told CPS. They arrived to my house right after I got home from school and told my aunt and uncle what was going on. I know that the man sent to question me evidently saw that my jaw wasn't broken when I walked out that house. He just asked me everyday questions and then informed my aunt and uncle and left. This is kind of where my life went downhill. My aunt was evidently and rightfully upset and told me that everyone I knew in New York said that I was manipulative (I didn't know what this meant at the time) and she called me an idiot etc., etc. My uncle was upset as well. I cried every night and day and would sometimes bring a knife to bed with me and would hold up to myself and try to fall into the urge of just killing myself. Anyways, I didn't do so. Obviously. I met a boy (I'll call him Paul) in 4th grade. I really liked him. REALLY liked him. This went on for a couple years until he announced he was moving away. I don't think I loved him, and didn't notice how my sexual abuse affected my idea of love until now. I remember having thoughts about having sex with Paul and this was what I thought was considered "normal". I think he was what started my obsession with crushes. Daddy issues. I remember having celebrity crushes and truly believing that I loved them and feeling useless and betrayed when I would literally just see a picture of them with a female online. I acknowledged I didn't know them, but that didn't help me get over them. This went for about 4-5 months for each celebrity (3 boys) 3 times. In 5th grade, I met some girl (I'll call her Maya) and we were pretty good friends. Of course, then we went to middle school. Peer pressure took a toll on her and I stayed by her side. This let that pressure leech onto me. I wasn't popular and she was along with all of her old and new friends. Mine's weren't really and she told and showed me why this was a "bad" thing. She dragged me down with her, and would make fun of me, my friends, my family, and my life altogether. I started to try and dress according to what everyone else was and that evolved into wanting bigger boobs and and a bigger ass at 11. This evolved into flattening my hair everyday (I'm not white) and that eventually led me into stealing makeup from stores because my mom wouldn't allow me to wear any. This evolved into me ordering and getting away with using Kojic Acid to try and bleach my skin. Finally, this evolved into me breaking down when my mom couldn't flatten my hair or when I didn't have time to do my makeup in the morning before school. This evolved into me not even being able to recognize myself in the mirror anymore. It was literally like I was looking at someone else in the mirror when I looked in the mirror. After school, after going to school, I was empty. I had put up a façade everyday in front of everybody as if I was fine and normal. I had no personality or interest in anything but being someone I wasn't. To be me was to not be me could put it simply. In the middle of all this, I was moving from house to house, hotel to hotel, just to go back to my Aunt's in the end. It was because my mom and Aunt would fight and my mom had a habit of simply running away from it. I'll continue in a bit.
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