Discussion Things you can do to make it easier on your loved ones

[nomoredolor]

Disclaimer: there's not much that can be done and what can be done may only ease their pain .001% if that. This thread is more to make us feel .001% better by doing something to try to ease the pain of our loved ones. This could be practical details or emotional "support." If you're like me you have no desire to hurt the people in your life. You've stayed as long as you have for them and not for you. You see no other way out and deeply regret being the future cause of their anguish. You carry the shame and guilt of what you're going to do to them daily.

Please share below ideas or what you're doing to ease things ever so slightly for your loved ones. I'll get us started:
- leave a letter letting them know it's not their fault and they couldn't have affected the outcome
- I already signed a contract with the funeral home and bought a cemetery plot
- make a list of people to notify when you die

Thanks in advance for your contributions.
Anna

 

[CallmeWill4719]

It's not something I like to think about but feeling suicidal has been such a huge part of me it's hard not to. I don't know how I would do it but I would let my fiance know that he was the best person to ever come into my life and I'm sorry for not being strong enough to keep going. Like you said, It's not because they're not enough It's just because there's so much years of baggage from our joke society or toxic people.

 

[grapevoid]

- bought an urn, and some mini ones so my family can split the ashes in case anyone feels they need them. I had a few engraved for specific people.
-wrote out details about my wishes for my celebration of life/ashes etc
- saved enough money to pay for my cremation, shopped around and left details for a good place to have me cremated
-I set up a few emails for specific people a few years back where I have emailed photos of us, memories etc and put the log in info in their letter.
-wrote personal letters for everyone close to me.
- plan to spend a day, or time with the people closest to you before your date so they feel like they got to see you one last time? Idk that's my plan anyway

Honestly there is so much. I have done so much prep for when I cbt. Even just little things like organized my house, purged bullshit that wasn't needed etc so they will have less to go through. I know we can't erase the pain completely but I've worked really hard to leave things in the most favorable way possible to ease the responsibility of my family while grieving.

 

[nomoredolor]

This is super helpful and creative. I love the email idea really very tender. It sounds like you have been preparing for a long time. I wish you peace in your living and dying endeavors and appreciate you taking the time to comment. Hugs.

Did you write your own obituary?

Anna

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm leaving individual letters for my family. I'm planning out what I want to happen after I die so they wont have to do too much. I'm leaving my savings to my nephew and my life insurance to my younger brother (if he decides that he does not want it then it'll all go to my baby nephew). I'm organizing a blog type thing to talk about my memories and for my loved ones to gather and be able to talk to each other. Compiling all the photos that I can. Along with individual letters, I'm going to make individualized flash drives full of pictures of me and the person I'm leaving it to, along with voice notes/videos reminding them that I love them. It's taking me a very long time to get through, I only have a few months left so I don't know how much I'll actually complete though.

 

[995.]

I'm divided on writing a letter to my loved ones/even friends. Whilst it could provide closure, it could also make things more painful. Maybe something short, sweet and personal. Reminders of happy shared memories, hope for the future, assurance that I didn't suffer/was in pain… would like to hear what had helped those who suffered a close one's death/suicide cope with the loss.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I don't know if this is a good thing to do or the absolute opposite, but I've been very open about this to some of my most loved humans: my mother and three of my best friends. I haven't told them about possible dates or methods, although one of them does know I have a method already in my hands, but my reasoning is that I don't want to surprise them and I don't want them to feel guilt. I want them to know it's a possibility to reduce the shock and I want them to know my reasons so they know exactly who to blame instead of blaming themselves.

Really interested in reading other suggestions because they are the only thing keeping me tethered to this godforsaken world.

Oh, and I do have a short lists of songs I'd like played at my funeral or whatever. Would that be too selfish or grotesque to ask of them?

 

[nomoredolor]

I'm divided on writing a letter to my loved ones/even friends. Whilst it could provide closure, it could also make things more painful. Maybe something short, sweet and personal. Reminders of happy shared memories, hope for the future, assurance that I didn't suffer/was in pain… would like to hear what had helped those who suffered a close one's death/suicide cope with the loss.

I'm on sasu so I'm not the one to hear from but I've have lost 3 people to suicide and there isn't much that helps. Knowing that they don't think it's my fault and say there's nothing I could've done to stop them does help a small amount. But I still feel like I could've done things much better and still feel guilt. I appreciate having a tiny bit of my loved ones ashes but not everyone feels that benefit and I'm being buried whole body in a green cemetery. I want to hear more too what helped those who have suffered loss to suicide. I am in some online suicide survivor support groups and the content is intense but informative. And Triggering but helpful to my grief too.

I don't know if this is a good thing to do or the absolute opposite, but I've been very open about this to some of my most loved humans: my mother and three of my best friends. I haven't told them about possible dates or methods, although one of them does know I have a method already in my hands, but my reasoning is that I don't want to surprise them and I don't want them to feel guilt. I want them to know it's a possibility to reduce the shock and I want them to know my reasons so they know exactly who to blame instead of blaming themselves.

You've put my thoughts to words here! Since my attempt my loved ones know I'm depressed and that I've wanted to die for nearly 20 years. So now it won't be a shock to them. I can't go into all the details why with everybody but I can try with a select few, as best as I can articulate that is. I think it's nice that you're conveying the reasons why and trying to reduced shock with them while not going into the red zone details.

Really interested in reading other suggestions because they are the only thing keeping me tethered to this godforsaken world.

Oh, and I do have a short lists of songs I'd like played at my funeral or whatever. Would that be too selfish or grotesque to ask of them?

This is the start of my playlist for my celebration of life

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I'm on sasu so I'm not the one to hear from but I've have lost 3 people to suicide and there isn't much that helps. Knowing that they don't think it's my fault and say there's nothing I could've done to stop them does help. But I still feel like I could've done things much better and still feel guilt. I appreciate having a tiny bit of my loved ones ashes but not everyone feels that benefit and I'm being buried whole body in a green cemetery. I want to hear more too what helped those who have suffered loss to suicide. I am in some online suicide survivor support groups and the content is intense but informative. And Triggering but helpful to my grief too.

You've put my thoughts to words here! Since my attempt my loved ones know I'm depressed and that I've wanted to die for nearly 20 years. So now it won't be a shock to them. I can't go into all the details why with everybody but I can try with a select few, as best as I can articulate that is. I think it's nice that you're conveying the reasons why and trying to reduced shock with them while not going into the red zone details.




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This is the start of my playlist for my celebration of life

Damn, I love your playlist and your music taste and how you think about that ceremony as a celebration of life. My country is not very open-minded, my family is still somehow catholic, I myself was raised catholic and keep some traditions, so I think I'll end up getting a regular funeral. The first song will be this, a beautiful German hip-hop song about a guy who's mourning a friend who ctb. The chorus just perfectly describe how I feel and how I want my loved ones to remember me without feeling guilt:




And your mum keeps your room the way you left it
The moment where your will and your courage left you
The speakers sing it loudly
Your favourite song, but do you hear it? Say,
do you hear it?
Everytime the wind whistles
We know you were there, just wanted to see that everything's alright
Theat you paid us a brief visit
Sadly just a visit, hope you're alright, where you are

I still don't know what to do about my ex in the scenario I ctb, but to her will be two lines in that song:

Still on the fourth floor, in white, "I love you"
But the stupid thing was...Sandra loved you, too!

 

[grapevoid]

This is super helpful and creative. I love the email idea really very tender. It sounds like you have been preparing for a long time. I wish you peace in your living and dying endeavors and appreciate you taking the time to comment. Hugs.

Did you write your own obituary?

Anna

I did not. I'm not really sure what to put there but I guess I assume that's for them to write. It would be my preference there wasn't one. lol. I wish I could just drop off and the whole world would forget I ever existed.

I have been suicidal for a very long time and even though a few years back I wasn't actively planning my death, I had a deep feeling that I would in the near future which is why I started the emails.

I'm divided on writing a letter to my loved ones/even friends. Whilst it could provide closure, it could also make things more painful. Maybe something short, sweet and personal. Reminders of happy shared memories, hope for the future, assurance that I didn't suffer/was in pain… would like to hear what had helped those who suffered a close one's death/suicide cope with the loss.

I think a letter is very important. Myself and everyone I know intimately who lost a loved one to suicide and did not have a letter or explanation struggled with it. IMO - take the time to leave a goodbye message to the people you mean the most to. Even if it's short, even if it just says I love you. Leave them something.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I'm leaving individual letters for my family. I'm planning out what I want to happen after I die so they wont have to do too much. I'm leaving my savings to my nephew and my life insurance to my younger brother (if he decides that he does not want it then it'll all go to my baby nephew). I'm organizing a blog type thing to talk about my memories and for my loved ones to gather and be able to talk to each other. Compiling all the photos that I can. Along with individual letters, I'm going to make individualized flash drives full of pictures of me and the person I'm leaving it to, along with voice notes/videos reminding them that I love them. It's taking me a very long time to get through, I only have a few months left so I don't know how much I'll actually complete though.

I thought life insurance doesn't pay out if it's a suicide?

 

[TheHolySword]

I thought life insurance doesn't pay out if it's a suicide?

depends on the insurance

 

[grapevoid]

depends on the insurance

And usually how long you have had the policy as well.

 

[needthebus]

I lost someone close to me

I wished they had patched up arguments with me prior to ctb

I wish they had given me something with like memories of us in digital form

I wish there had been a list of top favorite memories with me, or just lists of things when we had fun

I wish they had given me a chance to discuss things with them beforehand, but I understand if they didn't

I wish there had been specific instructions on what they wanted from me. Just something.

I would have still been devastated however

 

[Grav]

I have my funeral plan set up. I'll have a list of passwords and accounts since I handle the house money and my wife will have to do that now. I'll have a list of things that cost $$ so not to sell those for cheap. A list of things for certain people. Ideas on how to dispose of my hobby stuff and who to contact. Songs that I liked in case they play them, they might not since they're not very happy but friends who really know me will hear the song and remember; normies not so much. Note for my wife and one for daughter. Logins for online accounts to cancel.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Oh, and I do have a short lists of songs I'd like played at my funeral or whatever. Would that be too selfish or grotesque to ask of them?

Definitely not grotesque. I'm planning my mom's funeral right now and trying to choose music is really, really hard. If you'd like particular flowers or a particular charity you'd like people to donate to, those are also helpful to have written down.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

This is the start of my playlist for my celebration of life

Just to mention that you're playlist is amazing, I want to be in your funeral rsrsrsrsrsrs

 

[LostLily]

-Have written multiple good bye letters and assured everyone that it wasn't anyone's fault
-have a list of people to notify that I passed
-I have nearly 60k in the bank which will cover my funeral and I have already designated my mother as the beneficiary

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Yesterday night something happened that really pushed me over the edge and made me choose ctb as the way out. I talked with my mother right after it happened and, fuck, it was really hard making her suffer like that but I told her repeatedly it was something I did out of sincerity because I didn't want any surprises, misunderstandings, or guilt. Today I did the same thing with one of my best friends, told him I'm leaving him my Violeta. So far only three out of four of my favorite people know that I've already made a choice, the fourth one...I think I'll break her if I do.

As for notes and other preparations, what's better? Something extensive or something brief? Do you really have to include everyone or is it acceptable if you only mention the 20 or so closest people to you?

 

[needthebus]

Yesterday night something happened that really pushed me over the edge and made me choose ctb as the way out. I talked with my mother right after it happened and, fuck, it was really hard making her suffer like that but I told her repeatedly it was something I did out of sincerity because I didn't want any surprises, misunderstandings, or guilt. Today I did the same thing with one of my best friends, told him I'm leaving him my Violeta. So far only three out of four of my favorite people know that I've already made a choice, the fourth one...I think I'll break her if I do.

As for notes and other preparations, what's better? Something extensive or something brief? Do you really have to include everyone or is it acceptable if you only mention the 20 or so closest people to you?

i can't believe some people have 20 people close to them

like, for me there's like 2-3 people i know, a dead cactus that died due to neglect, and a few family that hate me

my best friend died and i would have preferred something extensive. she did it in a way to try to make it seem not like a suicide however by just self-harming a lot, so there was no note, but it was a suicide. i know better than to pretend it wasn't.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

i can't believe some people have 20 people close to them

like, for me there's like 2-3 people i know, a dead cactus that died due to neglect, and a few family that hate me

my best friend died and i would have preferred something extensive. she did it in a way to try to make it seem not like a suicide however by just self-harming a lot, so there was no note, but it was a suicide. i know better than to pretend it wasn't.

Then extensive it'll be.

It's odd, one of life's cruel ironies: all my childhood I was bullied and humiliated and left behind. Being too tall, too smart, bad at sports, too awkward, a laughable phobia. Then I somehow became much more sociable and I do have a lot of people around me, but the wounds run deep, particularly the ones related to romantic love, and despite all the love I get for them...it's not the sort of love I'm missing to make me feel whole. A friend put it best by describing me as a traumatized extrovert and I guess that'll be something nice to write in my last letter.

 

[slightoverlooked]

i feel so guilty. idk if i can do anything. i have to numb myself if i do it and just act like no one is gonna care. when i was a teen i believed my parents hated me so i thought when i die they wont care but after my first failed attempt they changed for the better..still flawed but ig now they say they love me and my mom said she will khs if i ctb. im a horrible daughter…but im sick of suffering.. i dont think there is anything i can do. i feel selfish..but they r selfish too for wanting me to suffer for them…so idk