Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I wrote this out but obv didn't send it so just gonna write it here I guess. (Warning long and probs lots of spelling and grammar mistakes.)
Thnx for honestly ignoring half the fucking shit I say. Not even talking about now. You gotta go to work I get it. I dint expect you to spend time on me like that.
But you've said it yourself I annoy you when I'm emotional. Bc I'm not "logical" then and you cant understand so you react in anger towards me.
The distance we have isn't just from the last few yrs. You dont notice but I felt and noticed that you stopped really listening when I was younger.
Like yesterday. You make.me feel fucking stupid when I'm trying to articulate a point and connect dots using actual fuckin psychology/ science.
But you just sound like you brush it off. Like I'm just sayinga bunch of stupid shit and instead of asking anything or clarifying it's just a passive "ok" & you move on to what you want to talk about next.
I don't know how to talk to you anymore. You got mad about me blocking you and stuff. I get it but you just yelled and never asked why or cared. It's like if it pisses you off then the action and reason doesnt matter.
I've felt distant from you for longer than 4/5 yrs. I never have been able to just say "I dont want to talk rn" partly bc i couldn't muster up the courage and partly bc I fear/know you'd just get mad at me(like you have in the past.)
I wonder if you understand what it feels like to talk to you like that. I say something and it's like silence then you talk and the convo continues bc I say something back.
I guess I'm.scared to ask... what is it most the time? Am i annoying you am I not making any sense? Am I being illogical? Am I just saying too much?
This isnt to come off as blaming or anything. I've never said how I felt.
When we talk alot of the time I just feel so disappointed. Like no offense but it kinda why I haven't been calling in the yrs. Why I only call I guess when I'm having problems bc otherwise it's like I speak and it's just silence.
(Most of the time)
Like for example
"Blah blah I see this with mom and this is how it makes me feel & this is where I think it comes from"
"Silence"
"Hello?"
"Yeah I'm here"
"Did you hear what I I just said?"
"Yeah man its.... oh! This topic caught my interest blah blah blah"
Me: "... yeah... (in my head confused but dont say anything bc maybe it's just obv if he doesnt respond then I did or said something wrong or he just doesnt care to talk about that) (think about asking but not sure how and just worried about pissing you off)
oh! (enthusiastically responds and shows interest)
whenever you get mad I really try my best not to piss you off any more. It's hard bc when I'm remorseful and trying to hopefully come to an understanding bc you dont have to forgive me obv. When I'm remorseful alot of the time you just keep repeating what I did wrong. Alot of the time it seems to me like when I apologize it just pisses you off more. Which I try to understand as you've said its bc sometimes its delayed. Not all the time though.
It's also a me thing but you frighten me to do anything wrong around you. The way sometimes you can chastise me for things I've done is like there is no redemption. Like when I'm remorseful when I'm trying to even get some words out it's like your already pissed off. The more I talk the worse it gets so I just take the blows (yeah it does hurt to be yelled at like you do sometimes) and shrink myself.
It'd be better if we could talk with a proper mediator. I've said this before yrs ago and over the yrs.
Too often does it turn into a screaming match. Not absolving any of my responsibility but honestly so often it turns into you screaming at me over and over again no matter what I say no matter how calm I am no matter how many times I say sorry & that I care & that I know I fucked up. You yell. I become a stone that only knows remorse and guilt. You get tired and say whatever or a sullen "yeah ok" & then it's done.
I guess I really just suck at conflict resolution but it's more than that. Having a middle man would help alot.
I can't talk when we are trying to talk and all this anger is being projected on to me.and every word I say. It makes me feel small. Most the time like I kinda just do now is not say anything just listen even if it isnt true. Just pretend dim interested in what ur talking about so we can keep having a convo. Say something and be kinda completely ignored but act ok and move on to.the next subject that you usually lead. I've been wanting to say this for yrs.
I would like to know why my remorse/attempts at apologizing and trying to clarify and come to mutual understanding makes you so mad. What I'm suppose to do when I've done something wrong? Bc honestly apologize later or right away and you still just keep throwing venom and then after theres resentment so it comes up at random times.
I dont know how I'm suppose to say this to you but I just want to actually feel close to my brother. Heard by him. Etc. Don't try to blame it on me answering things angrily that's one fucking thing & over the course of our lives there are alot of things. It's more than that. I felt the distance from 17 so.
I can tell you hold back alot of the times but then it just comes out in other ways.
When we talk about something that happens something that I did wrong it's like... nothing I say is good enough.
Like the fucking computer for christ sakes man.
You nor your friend that I DO NOT TALK TO OR KNOW PERSONALLY LIKE THAT. neither of you have the right to measure my care or my emotions. You can tell me that what you were receiving from me did not feel caring but you do not get to tell me.what I care and dont care about.
It's like we've talked about it a thousand times I explian myself a thousand.times but you are still fucking talking about with ur friend??? Like seriously man???
What do you want me to say. "Yeah I totally didn't give a fuck and I still dont fuck you" or "yeah I totally didn't fucking care and I'm sorry about that" bc even the second one is wrong. If you are telling me how I feel I will always correct you if you are wrong.
You can tell me.how it comes across for you how it makes you feel but you cannot tell me that's how I felt.
Theres too much to talk about & I dunno when you'll be open to having a proper middle man.
Also dipshit you cant say therapy didn't work for you when you barely tried it. People like you poss me off. Great that you are finding what works for you but fuck right off if you think you know enough about any kinda therapy to say "it's didn't work" No you just didn't try much. You took a look at the shit mental health system and got frustrated & gave up on it. That's fine bc it is your mental health and I do not have the right to tell you what to do or judge. Just dont act like having a few appts with basic therapists is even touching the surface of what we call therapies.
Thnx for honestly ignoring half the fucking shit I say. Not even talking about now. You gotta go to work I get it. I dint expect you to spend time on me like that.
But you've said it yourself I annoy you when I'm emotional. Bc I'm not "logical" then and you cant understand so you react in anger towards me.
The distance we have isn't just from the last few yrs. You dont notice but I felt and noticed that you stopped really listening when I was younger.
Like yesterday. You make.me feel fucking stupid when I'm trying to articulate a point and connect dots using actual fuckin psychology/ science.
But you just sound like you brush it off. Like I'm just sayinga bunch of stupid shit and instead of asking anything or clarifying it's just a passive "ok" & you move on to what you want to talk about next.
I don't know how to talk to you anymore. You got mad about me blocking you and stuff. I get it but you just yelled and never asked why or cared. It's like if it pisses you off then the action and reason doesnt matter.
I've felt distant from you for longer than 4/5 yrs. I never have been able to just say "I dont want to talk rn" partly bc i couldn't muster up the courage and partly bc I fear/know you'd just get mad at me(like you have in the past.)
I wonder if you understand what it feels like to talk to you like that. I say something and it's like silence then you talk and the convo continues bc I say something back.
I guess I'm.scared to ask... what is it most the time? Am i annoying you am I not making any sense? Am I being illogical? Am I just saying too much?
This isnt to come off as blaming or anything. I've never said how I felt.
When we talk alot of the time I just feel so disappointed. Like no offense but it kinda why I haven't been calling in the yrs. Why I only call I guess when I'm having problems bc otherwise it's like I speak and it's just silence.
(Most of the time)
Like for example
"Blah blah I see this with mom and this is how it makes me feel & this is where I think it comes from"
"Silence"
"Hello?"
"Yeah I'm here"
"Did you hear what I I just said?"
"Yeah man its.... oh! This topic caught my interest blah blah blah"
Me: "... yeah... (in my head confused but dont say anything bc maybe it's just obv if he doesnt respond then I did or said something wrong or he just doesnt care to talk about that) (think about asking but not sure how and just worried about pissing you off)
oh! (enthusiastically responds and shows interest)
whenever you get mad I really try my best not to piss you off any more. It's hard bc when I'm remorseful and trying to hopefully come to an understanding bc you dont have to forgive me obv. When I'm remorseful alot of the time you just keep repeating what I did wrong. Alot of the time it seems to me like when I apologize it just pisses you off more. Which I try to understand as you've said its bc sometimes its delayed. Not all the time though.
It's also a me thing but you frighten me to do anything wrong around you. The way sometimes you can chastise me for things I've done is like there is no redemption. Like when I'm remorseful when I'm trying to even get some words out it's like your already pissed off. The more I talk the worse it gets so I just take the blows (yeah it does hurt to be yelled at like you do sometimes) and shrink myself.
It'd be better if we could talk with a proper mediator. I've said this before yrs ago and over the yrs.
Too often does it turn into a screaming match. Not absolving any of my responsibility but honestly so often it turns into you screaming at me over and over again no matter what I say no matter how calm I am no matter how many times I say sorry & that I care & that I know I fucked up. You yell. I become a stone that only knows remorse and guilt. You get tired and say whatever or a sullen "yeah ok" & then it's done.
I guess I really just suck at conflict resolution but it's more than that. Having a middle man would help alot.
I can't talk when we are trying to talk and all this anger is being projected on to me.and every word I say. It makes me feel small. Most the time like I kinda just do now is not say anything just listen even if it isnt true. Just pretend dim interested in what ur talking about so we can keep having a convo. Say something and be kinda completely ignored but act ok and move on to.the next subject that you usually lead. I've been wanting to say this for yrs.
I would like to know why my remorse/attempts at apologizing and trying to clarify and come to mutual understanding makes you so mad. What I'm suppose to do when I've done something wrong? Bc honestly apologize later or right away and you still just keep throwing venom and then after theres resentment so it comes up at random times.
I dont know how I'm suppose to say this to you but I just want to actually feel close to my brother. Heard by him. Etc. Don't try to blame it on me answering things angrily that's one fucking thing & over the course of our lives there are alot of things. It's more than that. I felt the distance from 17 so.
I can tell you hold back alot of the times but then it just comes out in other ways.
When we talk about something that happens something that I did wrong it's like... nothing I say is good enough.
Like the fucking computer for christ sakes man.
You nor your friend that I DO NOT TALK TO OR KNOW PERSONALLY LIKE THAT. neither of you have the right to measure my care or my emotions. You can tell me that what you were receiving from me did not feel caring but you do not get to tell me.what I care and dont care about.
It's like we've talked about it a thousand times I explian myself a thousand.times but you are still fucking talking about with ur friend??? Like seriously man???
What do you want me to say. "Yeah I totally didn't give a fuck and I still dont fuck you" or "yeah I totally didn't fucking care and I'm sorry about that" bc even the second one is wrong. If you are telling me how I feel I will always correct you if you are wrong.
You can tell me.how it comes across for you how it makes you feel but you cannot tell me that's how I felt.
Theres too much to talk about & I dunno when you'll be open to having a proper middle man.
Also dipshit you cant say therapy didn't work for you when you barely tried it. People like you poss me off. Great that you are finding what works for you but fuck right off if you think you know enough about any kinda therapy to say "it's didn't work" No you just didn't try much. You took a look at the shit mental health system and got frustrated & gave up on it. That's fine bc it is your mental health and I do not have the right to tell you what to do or judge. Just dont act like having a few appts with basic therapists is even touching the surface of what we call therapies.
