Venting Things are starting to go to shit again...

[TAW122]

My bus may come sooner once again. Not any time soon though. As you know I am moving back to my parents' place (for a while) and also once again looking towards getting a job once more (ideally full time so I can get enough money to move out again). Then of course, there are personal issues and recently just one that came up again, was really disheartening. This is not even including all my passive and philosophical reasons. Depending on how things play out in the coming weeks (or months), I may CTB sooner than later.

Keep in mind I have been passively suicidal for a long time and even as of recent. Life sucks and even more with someone who has Aspergers, social issues, anxiety, and just society is absolute shit (which is outside of my control). Most of society isn't really built for those with autism or Aspergers, but instead we (on the autism spectrum) try and fit in with social norms (most oftenly disastrously). I am once again prepping my note(s) and going through it once more. When I consider the totality of life, it's summation, and death, I still lean more towards death. Everything really is just a cope until (natural) death. People make money, wage-slave, hustle, and what not just to keep a roof over one's head. If anyone decides to question the existence of life and the grind, said person gets shamed, shunned, scolded, and/or even labelled mentally ill, unwell. It's disgusting that we can't just accept that sometimes life sucks and for some people, they just want out. Society and the majority of people just don't and will never respect that. Afa the government is concerned, it's interest is to keep each citizen alive as much as possible to milk out as much resources as possible and those that can't contribute will just die out (just not on their own terms, but through other causes including homelessness).

Also, I'm working on my logistics to CTB once again. My firearm is safely stored away at a store, however, it's only temporary but should buy me enough time to finish moving as well as rearranging my bedroom and stuff at my parents' place. Then, I need to figure out a good time to go back and transport my firearm from my current city back to my parents' home discreetly. I'm operating under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Basically, the idea is to get the firearm into my room without my parents' knowledge. I know it would cause a shitstorm of epic proportions given that my parents don't approve of firearms (in general) and knowing my temperament and mental state, even more so. In short, they don't like the idea of me owning any firearms of any sort and may risk getting evicted. (Though if I am considering CTB'ing sometime in a few months or so into 2020, then their opinion and my future is basically whatever.) I suppose the things that I look forward to now are just finishing some personal projects, hobbies, and somehow not raise red flags when living under parents' roof (nothing out of the ordinary, keep a low profile, be productive, actively look for jobs and stuff, etc.).

 

[hatelife]

yeah me too, im doing badly recently also, I dont know how long I can keep up, im scared to die but also scared to keep living like this in this pain, it just gets too much, specially now around the holidays when I realize how alone I am with no family of my own.only music keep me company now, I used to believe in twin flames or like soulmates, that can speak to eachother via quantum entaglement or getting signs from angels or God, I still do, thats what makes me hope for a better afterlife because I now believe in God/angels actually I never thought I would, but they have showed me too many signs to doubt them, they are also not one but many actually(dont know if they are angels or Gods) but heard them speak around me, also lights go around flickering when I wrote something, really nice, its from them.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm sorry to hear that things are getting rough for you again. It's hard to get by life with Aspergers, especially if you throw other issues like anxiety and such into the mix. If you ever want someone to vent or chat to, feel free to PM me. I'm an Aspie as well, so I definitely know how frustrating it can feel to have to try and fit into social norms. I hope you manage to work out the logistics of your plan, that you can get the gun into your room without your parents finding out, and that when you do get the chance to ctb that you find peace.

 

[TAW122]

Thanks @cosmicpixiedust and I will consider your offer. I am just in the middle of a move, will take a few days to get everything packed up and moved back to my parents' place. After renovating and cleaning the bedroom, then I would focus on finding a time where both parents' aren't home so that I could quietly and secretly move my weapon into my bedroom without arousing suspicion. I still stand by "don't ask, don't tell."