It's been almost a month since these really important exams I had ended, so things should be getting better. During my exams I would visit the library every day from the time the library opens and till it closes, so I basically studied the whole day. I would think about killing myself on the bus ride home every time. At first it was just thoughts, never thought I'd actually do it. Then it started getting worse - I would research on how to do it when I got home and my heart felt like it was bursting out of my chest constantly. I thought everything would be better after my exams.
And things have gotten better, but the thoughts are worse, now I'm actually going to do it, I'm so certain. I have a plan and everything, I've made peace with death, I've mourned myself and everything I would miss out on. The first few weeks after my exams I just stayed home, slept and planned my suicide the whole day. Then I got 2 part time jobs, thinking that all I needed was a distraction and to go outside. It's just worse now, I feel like I think about it more.
Life is meaningless, there's no point in living. Death is inevitable, why struggle to continue living in pain just to die in the end anyways? I'm 18, I know I have my whole life ahead of me and I have things to experience but what's the point? They'll end up being memories and memories die with you. I don't care about the people around me and what would happen to them when I'm gone. I don't feel real these days, I'm not me. I remember close to nothing from my childhood and I'm even forgetting things from just months ago. I can't believe that before my exams I was actually planning a future, I was saving up for a phone and thinking about what school I'd go to and the things I could do after my exams. That was ridiculous. I can't believe how I was 6 months clean too. Now I'm cutting every week and it feels so amazing, the high from cutting lasts for days. I can't imagine living without it. I'm too far gone.
And things have gotten better, but the thoughts are worse, now I'm actually going to do it, I'm so certain. I have a plan and everything, I've made peace with death, I've mourned myself and everything I would miss out on. The first few weeks after my exams I just stayed home, slept and planned my suicide the whole day. Then I got 2 part time jobs, thinking that all I needed was a distraction and to go outside. It's just worse now, I feel like I think about it more.
Life is meaningless, there's no point in living. Death is inevitable, why struggle to continue living in pain just to die in the end anyways? I'm 18, I know I have my whole life ahead of me and I have things to experience but what's the point? They'll end up being memories and memories die with you. I don't care about the people around me and what would happen to them when I'm gone. I don't feel real these days, I'm not me. I remember close to nothing from my childhood and I'm even forgetting things from just months ago. I can't believe that before my exams I was actually planning a future, I was saving up for a phone and thinking about what school I'd go to and the things I could do after my exams. That was ridiculous. I can't believe how I was 6 months clean too. Now I'm cutting every week and it feels so amazing, the high from cutting lasts for days. I can't imagine living without it. I'm too far gone.
