Venting They're not an avoidant. They just don't like you.

[ILiveAlone]

This is a random, random post, but I have to vent. I am so tired of ending up on, like, 'situationshipgram' and coming across post after post about 'avoidant this', 'avoidant that', 'How do you spot an avoidant?'

How do you spot someone who doesn't like you...? I don't know what changed in the zeitgeist, but why did we start classifying the behavior of people who obviously don't like us as 'signs of avoidant attachment'?

That isn't to say that I don't believe in attachment theory, but:

1. I am not a psychologist/therapist.
2. 9 times out of 10, it isn't attachment theory.

I guarantee if you were to watch your 'avoidant' interact with others, it's not going to be the same as with you because they actually want to interact with others--not you.

It's like the idea of a fast metabolism. Yes, there are differences in metabolism, but they aren't significant enough for someone to be able to eat anything and everything without gaining any weight.
Ultimately, people with a 'fast metabolism' move more than they eat and have more muscle than fat--in comparison to people with a 'slow metabolism', who eat more than they move and have more fat than muscle [muscle burns more calories than fat].

* ^ That's another sentiment that I hate. 'I can't lose weight because I have a slow metabolism.'

I hate the lack of accountability. And I say this as someone who used to fall victim to this rhetoric. Like...I get it. We don't want to hurt ourselves by acknowledging that we may like someone more than they like us (if they like us at all), but continuing to be delusional and lie to ourselves isn't going to help us either. I guess it doesn't matter because, eventually, you'll be forced to move on once you've realized that they're never going to choose you. Using myself as an example:

The last guy that I was obsessed with just got into another relationship at the end of last year. Imagine if I convinced myself that he was an avoidant. What would I tell myself?
'He likes me so much that he'll never date me because he's afraid that if he tries that I'll leave.' Nevermind the fact that I confessed to him and he rejected me. 'He's just really, really scared.'

The best quote that I've heard about situationships is 'The only thing that you and your situationship are going to agree on is that the both of y'all don't like you enough.'

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm with you on the attachment thing... every time I blink there seems to be new coined language bubbling all over the internet to label people and things as if they now "know" all the answers... except they don't.

On the metabolism thing, though... there is truth to it. I mean, yes, some use it as an excuse... but I knew a guy in school who was super thin. I mean he had no fat or muscle on him... and he ate way more than anyone else did... something was definitely going on with him that he could eat so much and never gain muscle or fat.

Meanwhile, I don't eat very much, usually less than most others around me... but if I just do the bare minimum in exercise daily I will gain weight. Whenever I have lost weight I had to really work at it... At one point I was running 5+ miles per day, doing 100 push-ups morning and night and 25 pull-ups morning and night and mixing in some other weight training... and I lost weight and built muscle... but I also had to cut out most fat from my diet and count calories fairly rigidly. Just doing a little less exercise or eating just a little more and I would gain back. I kind of had to be balls to the wall all the time to maintain being in shape... and after a while that weighed on me because I had no time to relax or do anything but the exercising... and my life wasn't super better for being in shape anyway so I just kind of relaxed about it.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

As a narcissist who has to hear the phrase "narcissistic ex" on every social media app 24/7, I feel a kinship to this post

Great explanation!

 

[Bungee_gum]

Trvth nuke