Lish
I, too, shall burn
- Jun 4, 2024
- 24
Although I hold fast to my belief that the universe is cruelly indifferent to all that exists, there is a delusion that I can not seem to banish.
It consists of certain forces that enjoy toying with me, and have been, since birth. Think of it as a puppet show or a play. They want to see how far I can go before I break. The trick is that they themselves can't directly break me. I have to do it myself.
Around the time of my birth, I had hyperbilirubinemia, which would have resulted in extensive brain damage if my mother had not acted quickly with medical professionals. Sometimes, I believe that somehow altered my thinking. Following that, I have had a myriad of close calls:
- Nearly impaled by a forklift
- Slipped on water in my kitchen and nearly impaled a knife through my head
- Almost drowned
- Almost T-Boned by a truck
- Almost hit in a head-on collision with a truck
- Almost run over by a U-Haul
- Blacked out and smashed my head against the ground due to a sharp, sudden drop on blood pressure.
- Almost killed by a gang member due to mistaken identity
And these are the ones I can remember. I've been teased with death many times in my life in what I can only pin as "Final Destination" type close calls. I live in a dangerous city, walk around at night, and have traveled all over. And yet, death does not collect me. It reminds me that it can, easily, any time. But it refuses to.
This baffles me because I should have been dead a long time ago. Every time I think it's the end, something comes up to change my course and make me think life is fine. Then the rug is pulled from under me and reminds me not to trust anything.
I fear that I will live to an old age where my life is meant to be suffering. I fear that the true test is whether or not I am strong enough, willing enough, to end this game. Every day, I pray that I am.
It consists of certain forces that enjoy toying with me, and have been, since birth. Think of it as a puppet show or a play. They want to see how far I can go before I break. The trick is that they themselves can't directly break me. I have to do it myself.
Around the time of my birth, I had hyperbilirubinemia, which would have resulted in extensive brain damage if my mother had not acted quickly with medical professionals. Sometimes, I believe that somehow altered my thinking. Following that, I have had a myriad of close calls:
- Nearly impaled by a forklift
- Slipped on water in my kitchen and nearly impaled a knife through my head
- Almost drowned
- Almost T-Boned by a truck
- Almost hit in a head-on collision with a truck
- Almost run over by a U-Haul
- Blacked out and smashed my head against the ground due to a sharp, sudden drop on blood pressure.
- Almost killed by a gang member due to mistaken identity
And these are the ones I can remember. I've been teased with death many times in my life in what I can only pin as "Final Destination" type close calls. I live in a dangerous city, walk around at night, and have traveled all over. And yet, death does not collect me. It reminds me that it can, easily, any time. But it refuses to.
This baffles me because I should have been dead a long time ago. Every time I think it's the end, something comes up to change my course and make me think life is fine. Then the rug is pulled from under me and reminds me not to trust anything.
I fear that I will live to an old age where my life is meant to be suffering. I fear that the true test is whether or not I am strong enough, willing enough, to end this game. Every day, I pray that I am.
