Story These last few years have been unkind

[0utsider]

I can't seem to remember the last time I've felt secure in life, or happy with my current situation. Never have I ever woken up in the morning and thought to myself "I'm looking forward to living another day". I look to the future and see nothing but hopelessness, and see nothing but regret in the past.

I've always been an antisocial person since childhood. Parental abuse didn't help much either. We moved from the US to my homeland - a third world country - when I was at an early age, nine years old. I had a hard time adjusting to the people there. I couldn't make any friends because I had nothing in common with anybody. I wanted nothing more than to go back to where I belonged. For the next eight years, I was bullied, taken advantage of, and treated like shit. I would cry to my parents and hope they would comfort me, but they would just tell me that I was weak, and a disappointment. My grades started going down and I had behavioral issues from trying to cope. My family would beat me, blame me for the way I was, and tell me they wished I was never born.

One year ago, I worked hard to join a university abroad, and I hoped to improve myself and live a better life. I sacrificed so much. I got into a really good college, moved to the country, and almost got settle in before the pandemic hit. I didn't even get to experience a month of classes before I was told I had to leave the country. Now I'm back, living in my worst nightmare, chained down by citizenship, all opportunity taken away from me by circumstances outside my control. Miserable and alone. I can't even get into a half-decent college in my home country now because my education records don't line up with their system.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've stopped hoping for anything. I didn't ask for life or the suffering that comes with it. I just want peace. I want to stop feeling like the walls are closing in on me every second of every day. Just make it stop.

 

[StuFin]

The feeling of helplessness, futility of the future, and not being in control are horrible. And lonliness. These are my reasons for being here.

Sorry for your pain OP.

 

[Wrennie]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish there was a way that I could erase your pain, but I know that things are never that simple. All I can say is that you certainly aren't alone, and that we're all here for you. <3

I cannot remember the last time I looked forward to anything either, or felt any happiness upon waking up. Life is just perpetual misery with seemingly no end in sight.

 

[Salvation_]

I'm sorry to hear about that, OP. It's frustrating just to hear from your perspective, how life basically took all those sacrifices you made and obstacles you overcame and threw it all in the trash. Honestly, it's hard to believe that a thing such as karmic justice exists in the universe when misfortune out of your control hits. It's really not fair at all, and I wish I could help if I could somehow. I hope you found some solace in sharing your struggles with us, and if not, I hope you find solace in something on this site that will help you through your shitty situation right now.

 

[0utsider]

I'm sorry to hear about that, OP. It's frustrating just to hear from your perspective, how life basically took all those sacrifices you made and obstacles you overcame and threw it all in the trash. Honestly, it's hard to believe that a thing such as karmic justice exists in the universe when misfortune out of your control hits. It's really not fair at all, and I wish I could help if I could somehow. I hope you found some solace in sharing your struggles with us, and if not, I hope you find solace in something on this site that will help you through your shitty situation right now.

Thank you so much for caring, I'm happy I found this community. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm surrounded by people who understand me.

 

[Zhontafly]

Welcome @0utsider .
I can relate with the misfortune youre having. I moved to Germany to make a new life with friend and wife. Things were rough but I was getting through them with her. We moved into a new bigger apartment together and everything seemed to be looking up. So then my neighbor that lives underneath would crank her tv her up well till 5 AM. Tried getting her to stop, she wouldnt cooperate (This went on for years and continues). Anyway, I ended up in the hospital after sleep deprivation caused me to have a terrible psychotic break from reality. I ended up in a clinic and blacked out. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital with a brace around my neck. I found out that I received surgery on my left ear and left side of my head after I cracked it open falling out of a window at the damned clinic. I now have facial paralysis of the left side of my face with synkinesis (unwanted and uncontrolled muscle movement in the face), hearing issues and annoyances in my left ear and what feels like a bum right knee. These things in addition to other health problems. So anyway, before all this happened I was on track to finish up learning German in classes here and then go for an education into being a physical therapist. I was already fucked but then covid hit. FML!