I don't know when it started, or if it was always like this, but there's two me inside of me. I don't know if it is like this to everyone, but I'm really tired of it.
The one I consider the real me is angry all the time. He don't like people, or doing things, and he don't have a reason to do anything.
He's nihilist and selfish. He wants things his way, he wants people to be there when he wants and to be gone when he wants. If someone says or does something slightly out of the way he likes, he snaps. But the thing is, he don't snap at them.
And that's because the other me. The one who has a crushing fear of hurting people, of letting them down. He puts a smile on his face and says "It's fine, man" and just bottles it.
For some reason, this me tries to protect everyone from the other me. He don't want people to know him, maybe because if they did, they wouldn't want to be around me anymore.
This me is the one who tries. He's the one who tries to convince me to go to therapy, or that there must be a reason to keep going. He wants friends and to live happily ever after.
But he's anxious. He's always worried about what other people think about him, or how his words or actions affects them.
And what's funny is that they complete each other. When the "good" me gets too anxious, or when he realizes that the thing he tried to do to - maybe - make things right, didn't work out as it should, the "real" me takes over. And, oh boy, he smashes that autodestruct button. "Oh! You thought going to college would be a good idea? Meeting new people and maybe find a better job? Get real, man. I'm dropping us out."
And after the real me destroys everyting and starts doing nothing besides working and playing video games, the good me comes out and "Hey, maybe we should try the gym this time? You've always hated your body, so working on that might change something, right?". And the cycle continues.
To be honest, I don't know where this post is going, or why I'm writing it in the first place. English is not even my native language, a lot of it may not even make sense.
But it's something thats been on my head for some time and I'm tired of it.
For the past couple years the real me has been out a lot more, and he's destructing everything he can, so the good me can't try to make things right. And man, he did a good job.
My anger is on another level. I've started to fantasize about hurting people, physically and emotionally. I want to make them suffer. And the worst is, it makes me feel better.
I would never do it though. Good me wouldn't allow it.
There's a lot of reasons for my second (and a half) attempt this next Friday. This one is one of them.
And it's ridiculous because, for me, the reason sums up to "You're gonna kill yourself because you failed a couple times and can't be mean to people? lmao grow a pair."
The one I consider the real me is angry all the time. He don't like people, or doing things, and he don't have a reason to do anything.
He's nihilist and selfish. He wants things his way, he wants people to be there when he wants and to be gone when he wants. If someone says or does something slightly out of the way he likes, he snaps. But the thing is, he don't snap at them.
And that's because the other me. The one who has a crushing fear of hurting people, of letting them down. He puts a smile on his face and says "It's fine, man" and just bottles it.
For some reason, this me tries to protect everyone from the other me. He don't want people to know him, maybe because if they did, they wouldn't want to be around me anymore.
This me is the one who tries. He's the one who tries to convince me to go to therapy, or that there must be a reason to keep going. He wants friends and to live happily ever after.
But he's anxious. He's always worried about what other people think about him, or how his words or actions affects them.
And what's funny is that they complete each other. When the "good" me gets too anxious, or when he realizes that the thing he tried to do to - maybe - make things right, didn't work out as it should, the "real" me takes over. And, oh boy, he smashes that autodestruct button. "Oh! You thought going to college would be a good idea? Meeting new people and maybe find a better job? Get real, man. I'm dropping us out."
And after the real me destroys everyting and starts doing nothing besides working and playing video games, the good me comes out and "Hey, maybe we should try the gym this time? You've always hated your body, so working on that might change something, right?". And the cycle continues.
To be honest, I don't know where this post is going, or why I'm writing it in the first place. English is not even my native language, a lot of it may not even make sense.
But it's something thats been on my head for some time and I'm tired of it.
For the past couple years the real me has been out a lot more, and he's destructing everything he can, so the good me can't try to make things right. And man, he did a good job.
My anger is on another level. I've started to fantasize about hurting people, physically and emotionally. I want to make them suffer. And the worst is, it makes me feel better.
I would never do it though. Good me wouldn't allow it.
There's a lot of reasons for my second (and a half) attempt this next Friday. This one is one of them.
And it's ridiculous because, for me, the reason sums up to "You're gonna kill yourself because you failed a couple times and can't be mean to people? lmao grow a pair."
