There’s So Much To Say!

[Amossoma543]

I've been processing feelings of resentment and anger lately when contemplating my exit, because I know there will be judgments and words and hurt things thrown around when I go through with it. Why am I letting myself get all worked up over things that I have no control over NOR will I even be around to hear?

Well, partly it's because it reflects back on my life and the way that I've been handled by those who purport to love and care for me. Like so many of us, I have overcome insurmountable odds to even survive childhood. I have seen things and experienced things before I was 9 years old that I would never talk about in open...and those people never faced up to their actions.

I've been saying this for a long time now: childhood is the most pervasive of all of the Minority Statuses, because we were *all* children at one time, and it's the sole group of humans who can be legally assaulted at the whim of the caregivers, and the children have zero recourse against most injustices perpetrated against them. In a very serious situation, the child would be long dead before any authority figure could either find out anything was going on, much less intervene to do anything. Literally speaking, every child who wakes up today...his or her life is balanced right on the whim of the caregivers. This was my constant state in childhood.

You stand there screaming inside in a crowd of people, but nobody can hear you, and even if they could, what could they do except cause more trouble for the child. I've been a mandated reporter for my entire adulthood, and every case that I had to report, nothing was done. It almost always makes it worse for the kids. I guess it's just hard sometimes to come to terms with how unfair and random life is. A person can live a wonderful life for years and years...and then suddenly and accidentally fall down a well and die screaming and alone. Their entire life led to that sick ending.

My entire fucking adult life has been one long journey of attempting self discovery, trying to find out who that boy in the photos is. I don't recognize him...and I know what happened to him, but, as a teacher myself, I can't imagine what would make an adult hate him. Four different stepfathers, all (but one) abusive...one mother I was taken from from the ages of 3-10...zero stability as a child, zero role models in the early years, placed into seriously abusive situations...constant fear and anxiety and longing for love and warmth and someone to be nice to me. Those early years are so important.

By the time I reached middle school, I was living so far inside my own self, afraid of my own shadow and so confused about myself and the world, I did not have what it took to blend in and socialize like others..and so again, I was an instant target for bullies. Because the truth is, life doesn't care how hard you had it. That's just how it is.

See how this goes? There is no relief for these children. They are shot out into the world with its bright lights and cold, gleaming surfaces, and then slid away and told, "You're on your own kid. We are only determined to birth you. What happens after that is not our problem."

My whole life then has been a journey looking into the face of that kid, trying to find out what was so horrid about him that made adult caregivers make sure he knew he was worthless. It's made me perpetually neurotic, anxious, fearful and mistrustful of strangers, a host of physical and psychological problems...and now that I'm in my 40s, I'm nowhere closer to finding any answers, because there are none. Life just is. You never get the answers you might've thought one day would be given to you.

I have so much to say, and I'd love to be able to share with my son my reasons for deciding to take my own life, but he wouldn't allow me a platform for that. He'd almost certainly pretend to listen while secretly making plans to get me committed. This is why I can't talk about it...so we are mostly left to our own devices, struggling, as we've always done, to make decisions. It makes me angry that I feel such turmoil over my decision...when there should be people there for you to help you with it.

I don't know if there are stages of experience when it comes to arriving at this decision, but I definitely have different feelings at different times. And this place is the only place I have for processing it. Thank dog this place is here! I can actually SAY what I MEAN!

 

[Apathy79]

Sounds like childhood sucked. What happened in the more recent 20-30 years?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Amossoma543



Preach.


(Edit: Hope you know that meant I so agree, and encourage you to keep up the venting. I'm in your congregation!)

 

[Skyview]

Only two paths open , become independent and distance yourself or retreat into your shell . Most of us become independent and we certainly don't wallow in self pity .
Not sure if it's wise to open up with someone face to face , you become vulnerable and realize the mistake which triggers so many emotions and you become even tougher on yourself , this is me in a nutshell , now I say nothing and just smile .

 

[Amossoma543]

Only two paths open , become independent and distance yourself or retreat into your shell . Most of us become independent and we certainly don't wallow in self pity .
Not sure if it's wise to open up with someone face to face , you become vulnerable and realize the mistake which triggers so many emotions and you become even tougher on yourself , this is me in a nutshell , now I say nothing and just smile .

Self-pity has it's place, but it's not a place where one should live. I don't think I've done that. Even reading this back today, I feel embarrassed at making myself so vulnerable by posting it. I don't usually do that. I was feeling particularly open last night after reading some really compassionate posts from others. I felt inspired to open up. But...we all have these stories. Boo-hoo, life sucks. We can either repeat the cycle or make something of our lives. I've made something of my life. Two degrees, decent jobs, respectful positions in the community.

I guess what I am getting at is that, despite all of this, the demons never fucking leave. You just can't outrun it. Nothing makes it go away. It doesn't get any easier. And I don't feel like it's going to ever feel better, get better, or change. I've been putting on the happy face for my entire life. Do I really have the strength or willingness to fake it for another 40 years? I don't think so.

I've been to a therapist once before, and it didn't really do anything for me except make me feel EXTREMELY vulnerable, which I loathe. I do not like talking about myself, which is why I don't bother people with my thoughts. I don't want some fucking doctor looking at me across the room, waiting for me to answer some random question. I don't like to be stared at like that.

I don't think I can keep this up for another however-many-years. Think of all of the people over the hundreds of years who have been through worse than we can even imagine...but in the end, it doesn't mean a thing.

I should also mention that I'm having neurological conditions that are making it harder for me to continue in my profession. I have entire body tremors now, bad stuttering (always had this, but it's getting worse), symptoms associated with MS (which I've ignored for almost 7 years but can't hide anymore), and my doctor is pretty sure I have early onset Parkinson's, but I don't feel up to going to get diagnosed...because why? I've read all about it. There's nothing that can be done, and if it's not that, it doesn't change the fact that the daily symptoms are sometimes unbearable. This all adds to my anxiety, fear of going out, and loss of confidence, and disinterest in being with people. Life just fucking fucks you over and over and over You gotta laugh to keep from running down the street screaming and pulling out your hair. :P

Sometimes it just helps to vent, you know?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

A sad tale. There are no answers, it's just how it is. If you are looking for answers the best you can do is make your own. The world is full of religions and philosophies that will help with that but for some that's not enough. I want answers too but I realise they don't exist. Can't help it, still want them. The only other way is to just think what a tragic joke it is and laugh at the absurdity of it all. This is the curse of human awareness.

 

[Amossoma543]

A sad tale. There are no answers, it's just how it is. If you are looking for answers the best you can do is make your own. The world is full of religions and philosophies that will help with that but for some that's not enough. I want answers too but I realise they don't exist. Can't help it, still want them. The only other way is to just think what a tragic joke it is and laugh at the absurdity of it all. This is the curse of human awareness.

Agreed. It's why I like nihilism. Existentialism got a bit too...wonky? Nihilism makes more sense. I do agree that we have to find our own meaning/fun/amusements. I pretty much do that, and I will keep doing it until I run out of amusements, or the days become too tedious. I love LOVE watching good films. And good novels. Reading has been a life saver. In fact, I'm about to head out to a book store. Roaming a book store is one of the small pleasures in life, but doesn't feel small.

I actually feel a lot better after having posted that yesterday. There is a cathartic nature to venting. Thanks for listening. :-)

 

[Skyview]

This is the place to open up and share without feeling vulnerable , how else are we to know you as a person if you didn't share your journey .
Many on here fight daily with their demons and for some there is no more fight left in them , exhausted and in pain they choose their own path .
Look at previous threads you will find that you are most certainly not alone in your thoughts in regards to doctors and therapists and also the drugs they prescribe . People can relate so join in the discussions and connect with others . I equate this forum to a hospital, leave your inhibitions at the door !
If none of the above makes sense , don't think about it , just me having a not so good day , tired and brain fog , it happens . Some days are just yuck and when you get a good day you wonder what's wrong with you , my turn to rant !

 

[Amossoma543]

This is the place to open up and share without feeling vulnerable , how else are we to know you as a person if you didn't share your journey .
Many on here fight daily with their demons and for some there is no more fight left in them , exhausted and in pain they choose their own path .
Look at previous threads you will find that you are most certainly not alone in your thoughts in regards to doctors and therapists and also the drugs they prescribe . People can relate so join in the discussions and connect with others . I equate this forum to a hospital, leave your inhibitions at the door !
If none of the above makes sense , don't think about it , just me having a not so good day , tired and brain fog , it happens . Some days are just yuck and when you get a good day you wonder what's wrong with you , my turn to rant !

It makes sense...and thank you. I feel much better after having written that yesterday evening. I think we are all entitled to moments of self pity. I think there's a cathartic nature to venting like this...and feeling vulnerable, because, like you said so eloquently, it helps us to connect to others...build empathy. Empathy. A word I love. If only the world had more of it. I see a lot of evidence of it here. In only 2 days, I feel like this place has helped me. Sometimes it's the small things. Thanks again.

 

[Jean4]

Unfortunately, the majority of people can relate to your story. Why? We are there ourselves. Part of the reason we are all here.

We are always here if you want to vent and talk. We understand.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

I've been processing feelings of resentment and anger lately when contemplating my exit, because I know there will be judgments and words and hurt things thrown around when I go through with it. Why am I letting myself get all worked up over things that I have no control over NOR will I even be around to hear?

Well, partly it's because it reflects back on my life and the way that I've been handled by those who purport to love and care for me. Like so many of us, I have overcome insurmountable odds to even survive childhood. I have seen things and experienced things before I was 9 years old that I would never talk about in open...and those people never faced up to their actions.

I've been saying this for a long time now: childhood is the most pervasive of all of the Minority Statuses, because we were *all* children at one time, and it's the sole group of humans who can be legally assaulted at the whim of the caregivers, and the children have zero recourse against most injustices perpetrated against them. In a very serious situation, the child would be long dead before any authority figure could either find out anything was going on, much less intervene to do anything. Literally speaking, every child who wakes up today...his or her life is balanced right on the whim of the caregivers. This was my constant state in childhood.

You stand there screaming inside in a crowd of people, but nobody can hear you, and even if they could, what could they do except cause more trouble for the child. I've been a mandated reporter for my entire adulthood, and every case that I had to report, nothing was done. It almost always makes it worse for the kids. I guess it's just hard sometimes to come to terms with how unfair and random life is. A person can live a wonderful life for years and years...and then suddenly and accidentally fall down a well and die screaming and alone. Their entire life led to that sick ending.

My entire fucking adult life has been one long journey of attempting self discovery, trying to find out who that boy in the photos is. I don't recognize him...and I know what happened to him, but, as a teacher myself, I can't imagine what would make an adult hate him. Four different stepfathers, all (but one) abusive...one mother I was taken from from the ages of 3-10...zero stability as a child, zero role models in the early years, placed into seriously abusive situations...constant fear and anxiety and longing for love and warmth and someone to be nice to me. Those early years are so important.

By the time I reached middle school, I was living so far inside my own self, afraid of my own shadow and so confused about myself and the world, I did not have what it took to blend in and socialize like others..and so again, I was an instant target for bullies. Because the truth is, life doesn't care how hard you had it. That's just how it is.

See how this goes? There is no relief for these children. They are shot out into the world with its bright lights and cold, gleaming surfaces, and then slid away and told, "You're on your own kid. We are only determined to birth you. What happens after that is not our problem."

My whole life then has been a journey looking into the face of that kid, trying to find out what was so horrid about him that made adult caregivers make sure he knew he was worthless. It's made me perpetually neurotic, anxious, fearful and mistrustful of strangers, a host of physical and psychological problems...and now that I'm in my 40s, I'm nowhere closer to finding any answers, because there are none. Life just is. You never get the answers you might've thought one day would be given to you.

I have so much to say, and I'd love to be able to share with my son my reasons for deciding to take my own life, but he wouldn't allow me a platform for that. He'd almost certainly pretend to listen while secretly making plans to get me committed. This is why I can't talk about it...so we are mostly left to our own devices, struggling, as we've always done, to make decisions. It makes me angry that I feel such turmoil over my decision...when there should be people there for you to help you with it.

I don't know if there are stages of experience when it comes to arriving at this decision, but I definitely have different feelings at different times. And this place is the only place I have for processing it. Thank dog this place is here! I can actually SAY what I MEAN!

I too had a terrible childhood. One word you wrote stands out to me, worthless. My mother told me everyday I was worthless. "IF, you are worth anything at all, its the very LEAST." She hated me. Resented she had to have me to keep my father locked down supporting her and her son, the child she loved. My mother was a sick woman. It wasnt me. Ive only come to grasp this in the last year or so. Im 50 yrs old. Ive always felt defective. Until I saw her will, actually. She spoke of me in the last paragraph with seething hatred. I had signed the oil well money over to her, her and my father put it in his will that I do so, and she gave it all to her son. Even THAT didnt make her not hate me. Even that and my last hope for love and acceptance from her, from the grave she was seething hatred for me. She even went back to where we lived when I was a child and got the old neighbors to sign her will as witnesses. She put it on paper, how much she hated me, had always hated me, and showed her level of vindictiveness to go back to my childhood neighborhood. Who does that? A very, very sick woman does. My father was a police officer. I think in those days, with how nuts my mother was, and my father being a cop, ppl would have been afraid to help me had they cared at all. Any way. There wasn't anything wrong with me to deserve being hated. I was an average kid, slowly broken into dispair and no self esteem by a woman who was doing that on purpose so Id be easily manipulated into signing over a fortune later in life. Chances are, there was nothing hateable, hate worthy, or hate deserving, of you either. You just got stuck in the midst of some fucked up adults. I'll never, i mean never, forgive my parents. Or my half brother who was pitted against me and accepted the fortune gleefully. And at first, I couldn't even FATHOM the reality of any of it. The sickness of who they really were and are. Id never have done to them what they did to me. Never. I kinda believe in order to decide or choose to forgive someone, they first must be sorry. None of these sick ppl were/are sorry so, I just take a step back and think about how sick they were/are. They make my stomach turn. Making? Having? This change of perspective, has changed a lot for me. Im able to recognize dysfunction and not blame myself as I used to for one, I dont feel as defective as I always have, still fight with feeling worthless, but not defective. Lol I wish the person I am now could go back and be that abused kid again. Im 50 it took this long to have tools to shield against the pain these ppl did to me as a kid. My mother never would have been so sick and hateful in her will had she had enough insight to see it showed her for what she and the situation was. Her narcissism betrayed her and helped me at the very end.
It would be my hope that something happens so you have also have a shift in perspective. Not bc im a right to lifer, but bc I am inclined to believe you were a great kid, and the adults were shit, and it probably really is that simple. Until thats like, firmly idk digested in your mind, youre not operating from the true history. And not that its especially wonderfully comforting in that, it doesnt change what was done to you, but it IS comforting to feel like, damn THATS why they did that shit. It really wasnt me.

 

[Amossoma543]

I too had a terrible childhood. One word you wrote stands out to me, worthless. My mother told me everyday I was worthless. "IF, you are worth anything at all, its the very LEAST." She hated me. Resented she had to have me to keep my father locked down supporting her and her son, the child she loved. My mother was a sick woman. It wasnt me. Ive only come to grasp this in the last year or so. Im 50 yrs old. Ive always felt defective. Until I saw her will, actually. She spoke of me in the last paragraph with seething hatred. I had signed the oil well money over to her, her and my father put it in his will that I do so, and she gave it all to her son. Even THAT didnt make her not hate me. Even that and my last hope for love and acceptance from her, from the grave she was seething hatred for me. She even went back to where we lived when I was a child and got the old neighbors to sign her will as witnesses. She put it on paper, how much she hated me, had always hated me, and showed her level of vindictiveness to go back to my childhood neighborhood. Who does that? A very, very sick woman does. My father was a police officer. I think in those days, with how nuts my mother was, and my father being a cop, ppl would have been afraid to help me had they cared at all. Any way. There wasn't anything wrong with me to deserve being hated. I was an average kid, slowly broken into dispair and no self esteem by a woman who was doing that on purpose so Id be easily manipulated into signing over a fortune later in life. Chances are, there was nothing hateable, hate worthy, or hate deserving, of you either. You just got stuck in the midst of some fucked up adults. I'll never, i mean never, forgive my parents. Or my half brother who was pitted against me and accepted the fortune gleefully. And at first, I couldn't even FATHOM the reality of any of it. The sickness of who they really were and are. Id never have done to them what they did to me. Never. I kinda believe in order to decide or choose to forgive someone, they first must be sorry. None of these sick ppl were/are sorry so, I just take a step back and think about how sick they were/are. They make my stomach turn. Making? Having? This change of perspective, has changed a lot for me. Im able to recognize dysfunction and not blame myself as I used to for one, I dont feel as defective as I always have, still fight with feeling worthless, but not defective. Lol I wish the person I am now could go back and be that abused kid again. Im 50 it took this long to have tools to shield against the pain these ppl did to me as a kid. My mother never would have been so sick and hateful in her will had she had enough insight to see it showed her for what she and the situation was. Her narcissism betrayed her and helped me at the very end.
It would be my hope that something happens so you have also have a shift in perspective. Not bc im a right to lifer, but bc I am inclined to believe you were a great kid, and the adults were shit, and it probably really is that simple. Until thats like, firmly idk digested in your mind, youre not operating from the true history. And not that its especially wonderfully comforting in that, it doesnt change what was done to you, but it IS comforting to feel like, damn THATS why they did that shit. It really wasnt me.

Holy shit. This really moved me. I deeply appreciate your honesty and this very stark and open sharing of that wound.

I'm in my car now and can't reply properly, but I will later this evening. I am 49 years old, and I don't intend to reach 50. Like you, I can't forgive the meanness...my first stepfather (two more fuckers came after), when I encountered him at 34 yrs age for the first time since I was 10, tried to make amends, but he blamed the wife he had at the time I was a kid, and gave some feeble explanation that amounted to passing the buck. It was not an amends. But he actually admitted that he did not love me...that he disliked me...which struck me as fucking weird, because there was no reason to admit that in an apology. Why not just admit the things he did?

Rather than make me feel better, I began to look at photos of myself more closely, trying to figure out what this very tiny, stuttering blond kid who was painfully shy had done to attract such hatred, violence, and utter meanness. He hated me...he punched me in the stomach when I stuttered around him, so I didn't speak. He called me fag and sissy until I was taken from him at the age of 9. What did he see in me? That's what I couldn't figure out. But I was sure he was right.

I guess what I want to know from you is...did you ever become preoccupied with sympathizing with that poor kid you are still deep inside who never grows up...and have difficulty coming to terms with how an adult could treat any child this way.

I was ruined on adult male figures, because I was certain all grown males would take one look at me and instantly see whatever it was that my first stepfather saw. I still get sweaty palms around male authority figures. That motherfucking shit head asshole dick fuck goddamned son of a bitch is still alive. And my hatred for him is still alive and well.

I did not mean to give my thumbs this much of a workout haha. I know I could benefit from therapy...but if I tried to openly talk about any of this...it would be too much pain to feel. Those fucking adults ruin people for life. My self esteem is forever ruined because of that fucker. Oh I beat it enough to have a career. But I think you know about the lingering nightmares, the shame. And he's still walking around taking up space on this planet.

again...thank you. This was so needed.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Holy shit. This really moved me. I deeply appreciate your honesty and this very stark and open sharing of that wound.

I'm in my car now and can't reply properly, but I will later this evening. I am 49 years old, and I don't intend to reach 50. Like you, I can't forgive the meanness...my first stepfather (two more fuckers came after), when I encountered him at 34 yrs age for the first time since I was 10, tried to make amends, but he blamed the wife he had at the time I was a kid, and gave some feeble explanation that amounted to passing the buck. It was not an amends. But he actually admitted that he did not love me...that he disliked me...which struck me as fucking weird, because there was no reason to admit that in an apology. Why not just admit the things he did?

Rather than make me feel better, I began to look at photos of myself more closely, trying to figure out what this very tiny, stuttering blond kid who was painfully shy had done to attract such hatred, violence, and utter meanness. He hated me...he punched me in the stomach when I stuttered around him, so I didn't speak. He called me fag and sissy until I was taken from him at the age of 9. What did he see in me? That's what I couldn't figure out. But I was sure he was right.

I guess what I want to know from you is...did you ever become preoccupied with sympathizing with that poor kid you are still deep inside who never grows up...and have difficulty coming to terms with how an adult could treat any child this way.

I was ruined on adult male figures, because I was certain all grown males would take one look at me and instantly see whatever it was that my first stepfather saw. I still get sweaty palms around male authority figures. That motherfucking shit head asshole dick fuck goddamned son of a bitch is still alive. And my hatred for him is still alive and well.

I did not mean to give my thumbs this much of a workout haha. I know I could benefit from therapy...but if I tried to openly talk about any of this...it would be too much pain to feel. Those fucking adults ruin people for life. My self esteem is forever ruined because of that fucker. Oh I beat it enough to have a career. But I think you know about the lingering nightmares, the shame. And he's still walking around taking up space on this planet.

again...thank you. This was so needed.

Ok, my perspective is, he couldnt genuinely apologize for the same reason he was such an abusive monster when you were a kid, bc he's FUCKEDUP. Plain and simple. You had nothing to do with it. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, around FUCKEDUP adults. And FUCKEDUP adults abuse, innocent and vulnerable targets. Bc thats what they do. He said he disliked you. Had nothing to do with you. He disliked being incapable of the kindness and nurturing you deserved. If he wasnt FUCKEDUP, Im pretty sure his apology would have reflected that better in the words he chose to use. He wasnt capable when you were a kid, he wasnt capable when you were 34. He was and is FUCKEDUP. Nothing to do with you other than you had the bad luck to be in his care as a kid.
As far as other male role models, it would solely depend on them. Who and what they are. If the individual was FUCKEDUP, then yes most likely they would have been an abusive asshole. If they were a healthy man, who wanted to and had the capacity to be nurturing, then thats what you would have gotten. See, YOU had no power over who and what the adults in your life were, therefore YOU had no power over how they treated you. You were a cute little kid. You did not somehow invoke bad treatment from ppl. You did not have any power to change or influence a grown adults behavior. They own their bad actions, not you.
A healthy person would have just been like, omg what a cute little kid, and raised you with kindness, support and love. They would have said nice things to you and told you what a great kid you are. Bc thats what HEALTHY ppl do. They just do that. Thats just what they WANT to do. Even not the healthiest of ppl still TRY to be nurturing and kind.
I know. I didnt get any of that good stuff when I was a kid either. I didnt have any kids, but I see parents look at their kids with love in their eyes and I know thats what I was supposed to have, you were supposed to have, and every kids supposed to have. Its just bad luck to not be born to loving parents. Thats it. Bad luck. And then we struggle. That pain I know I still feel it everyday. I dont think ive tried to heal the child in me. Im more focused on being angry that as a result of my childhood I signed away a zillion dollars (manipulated) and Ive always been bullied. Someone at my job recently thought it was hysterical to hurt me, and you know, why me and not someone else? its bc of how I carry myself, or something that makes me a target unconsciously. Thats actually how I found this site, bc of this injury and lack of medical care. But Ive read so many things ppl have posted that just resonate with my own experiences that Im super grateful I found this site.
Back to the will and my mother, since getting that will in the mail, July 2017, it DEVASTATED me, I threw it in a box. Couldn't have it near me, her hatred hurt me so, so, so bad. Oct 2018, I had been feeling like, theres something I missed, like where was she living? like i didnt know what, so after having that feeling for a couple of weeks, I found it in the box, reread that paragraph and was like, what a FUCKEDUP BITCH! Took a while for the meaning of it all to really take hold. Maybe even months before I fully understood what she disclosed in that hateful paragraph. It was painful and traumatic but in a much different way than blaming myself. And now, I can see dysfunction in others and I no longer strive to please them or change them or prove myself or convince them Im worth loving. NONE OF THAT ANYMORE LOL. If someones fuckedup, thats them, not me, and there will be no more shitting on me, bullying me, hurting me. Distance. I will forever watch how other ppl treat other ppl and animals. Are they nice to the waitress? How do they respond to vulnerability? Im no expert, this is just where Im at. Im very messed up with this injury so im all over the board with emotions. But the whole how am i gona let someone treat me thing is still something im working on. Not fast enough since this asshole hurt me.
I know Im kinda bouncing around, back to the will. Im REALLY grateful for it. And I let myself feel all the emotions that came. Come and go whatever it was. Because I feel entitled to feel however I feel about it. Pissed off and grateful is where I pretty much stand now.

 

[Amossoma543]

Ok, my perspective is, he couldnt genuinely apologize for the same reason he was such an abusive monster when you were a kid, bc he's FUCKEDUP. Plain and simple. You had nothing to do with it. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, around FUCKEDUP adults. And FUCKEDUP adults abuse, innocent and vulnerable targets. Bc thats what they do. He said he disliked you. Had nothing to do with you. He disliked being incapable of the kindness and nurturing you deserved. If he wasnt FUCKEDUP, Im pretty sure his apology would have reflected that better in the words he chose to use. He wasnt capable when you were a kid, he wasnt capable when you were 34. He was and is FUCKEDUP. Nothing to do with you other than you had the bad luck to be in his care as a kid.
As far as other male role models, it would solely depend on them. Who and what they are. If the individual was FUCKEDUP, then yes most likely they would have been an abusive asshole. If they were a healthy man, who wanted to and had the capacity to be nurturing, then thats what you would have gotten. See, YOU had no power over who and what the adults in your life were, therefore YOU had no power over how they treated you. You were a cute little kid. You did not somehow invoke bad treatment from ppl. You did not have any power to change or influence a grown adults behavior. They own their bad actions, not you.
A healthy person would have just been like, omg what a cute little kid, and raised you with kindness, support and love. They would have said nice things to you and told you what a great kid you are. Bc thats what HEALTHY ppl do. They just do that. Thats just what they WANT to do. Even not the healthiest of ppl still TRY to be nurturing and kind.
I know. I didnt get any of that good stuff when I was a kid either. I didnt have any kids, but I see parents look at their kids with love in their eyes and I know thats what I was supposed to have, you were supposed to have, and every kids supposed to have. Its just bad luck to not be born to loving parents. Thats it. Bad luck. And then we struggle. That pain I know I still feel it everyday. I dont think ive tried to heal the child in me. Im more focused on being angry that as a result of my childhood I signed away a zillion dollars (manipulated) and Ive always been bullied. Someone at my job recently thought it was hysterical to hurt me, and you know, why me and not someone else? its bc of how I carry myself, or something that makes me a target unconsciously. Thats actually how I found this site, bc of this injury and lack of medical care. But Ive read so many things ppl have posted that just resonate with my own experiences that Im super grateful I found this site.
Back to the will and my mother, since getting that will in the mail, July 2017, it DEVASTATED me, I threw it in a box. Couldn't have it near me, her hatred hurt me so, so, so bad. Oct 2018, I had been feeling like, theres something I missed, like where was she living? like i didnt know what, so after having that feeling for a couple of weeks, I found it in the box, reread that paragraph and was like, what a FUCKEDUP BITCH! Took a while for the meaning of it all to really take hold. Maybe even months before I fully understood what she disclosed in that hateful paragraph. It was painful and traumatic but in a much different way than blaming myself. And now, I can see dysfunction in others and I no longer strive to please them or change them or prove myself or convince them Im worth loving. NONE OF THAT ANYMORE LOL. If someones fuckedup, thats them, not me, and there will be no more shitting on me, bullying me, hurting me. Distance. I will forever watch how other ppl treat other ppl and animals. Are they nice to the waitress? How do they respond to vulnerability? Im no expert, this is just where Im at. Im very messed up with this injury so im all over the board with emotions. But the whole how am i gona let someone treat me thing is still something im working on. Not fast enough since this asshole hurt me.
I know Im kinda bouncing around, back to the will. Im REALLY grateful for it. And I let myself feel all the emotions that came. Come and go whatever it was. Because I feel entitled to feel however I feel about it. Pissed off and grateful is where I pretty much stand now.

Have you ever found out what made her so abusive and hateful to you? It's hard to imagine how I could live with the gargantuan resentment and anger I'd feel in your position...because not only did she shit all over you as a defenseless child, she ripped off any scab that may have developed and rubbed salt all in that wound again, creating further trauma. That kind of thing poisons you and I understand why you can't forgive. Where is the benefit? People say that not forgiving is like burying the hatchet with the handle sticking out...but there IS NO WAY to completely hide that hatchet, if you've been hacked by it. And why should you? To me, forgiveness is earned...not doled out freely just because I have some "super-dee-duper spiritual obligation to cleanse my soul". Fuck that. Fuck my stepfather and fuck any person who harms a defenseless child (or anyone else for that matter) like that. Do you write about it other than here? I have a collection of journals, half filled mostly, because I can never fully put into words what I feel. It's too...big, if that makes any sense. Every time I try to write out my experience, it makes it seem less than what it was. It feels minimized, so I just write in bursts, small portions of feelings. The only real way to do it any justice, and maybe you can relate to this, would be to open my brain and actually dump the experience out so people could feel it for themselves. I do think people understand....I do think people empathize...but there's also the need to just express it...because sometimes you feel like you're going to explode if you don't get it out.

Was there something in her past that turned her so toxic? How was she handled by her parents? Do you know?

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Ok, my perspective is, he couldnt genuinely apologize for the same reason he was such an abusive monster when you were a kid, bc he's FUCKEDUP. Plain and simple. You had nothing to do with it. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, around FUCKEDUP adults. And FUCKEDUP adults abuse, innocent and vulnerable targets. Bc thats what they do. He said he disliked you. Had nothing to do with you. He disliked being incapable of the kindness and nurturing you deserved. If he wasnt FUCKEDUP, Im pretty sure his apology would have reflected that better in the words he chose to use. He wasnt capable when you were a kid, he wasnt capable when you were 34. He was and is FUCKEDUP. Nothing to do with you other than you had the bad luck to be in his care as a kid.
As far as other male role models, it would solely depend on them. Who and what they are. If the individual was FUCKEDUP, then yes most likely they would have been an abusive asshole. If they were a healthy man, who wanted to and had the capacity to be nurturing, then thats what you would have gotten. See, YOU had no power over who and what the adults in your life were, therefore YOU had no power over how they treated you. You were a cute little kid. You did not somehow invoke bad treatment from ppl. You did not have any power to change or influence a grown adults behavior. They own their bad actions, not you.
A healthy person would have just been like, omg what a cute little kid, and raised you with kindness, support and love. They would have said nice things to you and told you what a great kid you are. Bc thats what HEALTHY ppl do. They just do that. Thats just what they WANT to do. Even not the healthiest of ppl still TRY to be nurturing and kind.
I know. I didnt get any of that good stuff when I was a kid either. I didnt have any kids, but I see parents look at their kids with love in their eyes and I know thats what I was supposed to have, you were supposed to have, and every kids supposed to have. Its just bad luck to not be born to loving parents. Thats it. Bad luck. And then we struggle. That pain I know I still feel it everyday. I dont think ive tried to heal the child in me. Im more focused on being angry that as a result of my childhood I signed away a zillion dollars (manipulated) and Ive always been bullied. Someone at my job recently thought it was hysterical to hurt me, and you know, why me and not someone else? its bc of how I carry myself, or something that makes me a target unconsciously. Thats actually how I found this site, bc of this injury and lack of medical care. But Ive read so many things ppl have posted that just resonate with my own experiences that Im super grateful I found this site.
Back to the will and my mother, since getting that will in the mail, July 2017, it DEVASTATED me, I threw it in a box. Couldn't have it near me, her hatred hurt me so, so, so bad. Oct 2018, I had been feeling like, theres something I missed, like where was she living? like i didnt know what, so after having that feeling for a couple of weeks, I found it in the box, reread that paragraph and was like, what a FUCKEDUP BITCH! Took a while for the meaning of it all to really take hold. Maybe even months before I fully understood what she disclosed in that hateful paragraph. It was painful and traumatic but in a much different way than blaming myself. And now, I can see dysfunction in others and I no longer strive to please them or change them or prove myself or convince them Im worth loving. NONE OF THAT ANYMORE LOL. If someones fuckedup, thats them, not me, and there will be no more shitting on me, bullying me, hurting me. Distance. I will forever watch how other ppl treat other ppl and animals. Are they nice to the waitress? How do they respond to vulnerability? Im no expert, this is just where Im at. Im very messed up with this injury so im all over the board with emotions. But the whole how am i gona let someone treat me thing is still something im working on. Not fast enough since this asshole hurt me.
I know Im kinda bouncing around, back to the will. Im REALLY grateful for it. And I let myself feel all the emotions that came. Come and go whatever it was. Because I feel entitled to feel however I feel about it. Pissed off and grateful is where I pretty much stand now.

So, I feel that, a child is a child. Children are by nature, wanting and deserving, nurturing and kindness from the adults in their lives. For me, as an adult with the ability to choose who I interact with, why have I let uncaring and destructive ppl close to me? And if I am more meek unconsciously that encourages ppl to take advantage of me, now that Im in the beginning stages of figuring this out, lol at 50, then thats what Im trying to do. I have to teach myself and mold myself, what I didnt get as a kid.

 

[Amossoma543]

So, I feel that, a child is a child. Children are by nature, wanting and deserving, nurturing and kindness from the adults in their lives. For me, as an adult with the ability to choose who I interact with, why have I let uncaring and destructive ppl close to me? And if I am more meek unconsciously that encourages ppl to take advantage of me, now that Im in the beginning stages of figuring this out, lol at 50, then thats what Im trying to do. I have to teach myself and mold myself, what I didnt get as a kid.

I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head. You were conditioned as a child to believe that you either deserve those kinds of abusive, manipulative people, or you just naturally attract those...for the same reason. I know that it's easy for someone to walk all over me (or it was...I've gotten a lot more antisocial now that I'm close to 50). I have always been meek and easy to manipulate. And I think that's the nature of having survived being traumatized by abuse as a child. That's what I've learned in my psychology studying, at least. But that's just knowledge. Understanding intellectually doesn't really do much towards making it better. But at least it's moving towards understanding.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Have you ever found out what made her so abusive and hateful to you? It's hard to imagine how I could live with the gargantuan resentment and anger I'd feel in your position...because not only did she shit all over you as a defenseless child, she ripped off any scab that may have developed and rubbed salt all in that wound again, creating further trauma. That kind of thing poisons you and I understand why you can't forgive. Where is the benefit? People say that not forgiving is like burying the hatchet with the handle sticking out...but there IS NO WAY to completely hide that hatchet, if you've been hacked by it. And why should you? To me, forgiveness is earned...not doled out freely just because I have some "super-dee-duper spiritual obligation to cleanse my soul". Fuck that. Fuck my stepfather and fuck any person who harms a defenseless child (or anyone else for that matter) like that. Do you write about it other than here? I have a collection of journals, half filled mostly, because I can never fully put into words what I feel. It's too...big, if that makes any sense. Every time I try to write out my experience, it makes it seem less than what it was. It feels minimized, so I just write in bursts, small portions of feelings. The only real way to do it any justice, and maybe you can relate to this, would be to open my brain and actually dump the experience out so people could feel it for themselves. I do think people understand....I do think people empathize...but there's also the need to just express it...because sometimes you feel like you're going to explode if you don't get it out.

Was there something in her past that turned her so toxic? How was she handled by her parents? Do you know?

I really dont know. I remember her saying she watched her step dad beat her mother, she would be drunk when she told me this story, then he dissapeared into the woods and "fell on his gun" or it was a hunting accident. Thats literally all I know about my mother's childhood. Her childhood couldn't have been good. I know she was a fucked up mess. I know she was on empty but her seethingness toward me I dont understand. She never wanted a second child. She did it to lock down security for her and my half brother. She resented having to have me. I guess thats where the seething came from. I dont feel driven to understand her anymore. I dont like her. I feel like she outed her true nature in the will, and Im liberated from that. Its funny. I think in this moment it may be the first time Ive almost felt sorry for her. And I neverrrrr thought Id feel that. I think her responsibilty to be a mother was failed. She had me for sad and desperate reasons when she must have fully known she was incapable of actually being a mother. She failed. I didnt. I was just a kid with a goofy haircut and glasses and she should have loved me, but she didnt bc she couldnt. Now I want to fix what I have control of. Not to say I havent HATED HER for years. I have. Things changed with the will. She was defective. I wasnt I was just a little kid that so desperately wanted a broken woman to love me.

I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head. You were conditioned as a child to believe that you either deserve those kinds of abusive, manipulative people, or you just naturally attract those...for the same reason. I know that it's easy for someone to walk all over me (or it was...I've gotten a lot more antisocial now that I'm close to 50). I have always been meek and easy to manipulate. And I think that's the nature of having survived being traumatized by abuse as a child. That's what I've learned in my psychology studying, at least. But that's just knowledge. Understanding intellectually doesn't really do much towards making it better. But at least it's moving towards understanding.

The will REALLY helped me with the emotional part. I know I was attracted to bad ppl to try and make them care about me for many years, to try and rewrite the history with my mother. I saw what I was doing mentally, but to give it up and find healthier ppl was a whole other thing. 2 best friends last year really did a number on me, and now this getting hurt at work. Im pretty antisocial too, but I get lonely. I want the same thing now as an adult that I wanted as a kid! For the ppl in my life to be supportive and kind, and not an abusive asshole or someone who's gonna hurt me! Its crazy the loop ive been on. No one can change who anyone is, but how we present ourselves as adults it has an effect on the message of what we'll tolerate. I had no control over who i was working near, but he felt comfortable hurting me and theres something there i need to change about how I carry myself bc no one even understands how he just did this. A bad childhood is a problem on so many levels.
I wish I could share my mothers will with you! It was just so, freeing. I still have to navigate how and what to change, but seeing those ppl in a whole different way is a blessing. And my mothers "love" wasnt given to my half brother freely. I ended up calling the place where she was the last 5 yrs of her life. My half brother was there almost every week the woman said. Hes still a pos in my book bc of how he treated me, knowing the plan was to cut me out entirely, this was the plan decided upon when I was 20 yrs old, long story how I found this out, BUT he did go through hell for 5 years the very last year being the worst according to the woman who answered the phone, dealing with her being in that home for dementia. And if course I feel a bit guilty, knowing how she suffered. Knowing she deserved every minute of what she got. Sad, hurt, guilty, happy. Well he earned that money I guess, bc I never would have gone there every week for 5 years. But then, that was his intended job, mine was just to sign the money over. I bet he wonders if I could ever forgive him. Or idk maybe he resents me for getting away. I do know hes never not once tried to contact me, since I signed that money over. He never was like a brother in my life. I think he felt guilty knowing the plan was to cut me out, and that kept him distant from me. Very sad. I looked up to him when I was a kid. He got married when I was 8. I would lie in bed wondering how he could leave me there, and would cry thinking at least one if us made it out. But she didnt treat him the way she treated me.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Have you ever found out what made her so abusive and hateful to you? It's hard to imagine how I could live with the gargantuan resentment and anger I'd feel in your position...because not only did she shit all over you as a defenseless child, she ripped off any scab that may have developed and rubbed salt all in that wound again, creating further trauma. That kind of thing poisons you and I understand why you can't forgive. Where is the benefit? People say that not forgiving is like burying the hatchet with the handle sticking out...but there IS NO WAY to completely hide that hatchet, if you've been hacked by it. And why should you? To me, forgiveness is earned...not doled out freely just because I have some "super-dee-duper spiritual obligation to cleanse my soul". Fuck that. Fuck my stepfather and fuck any person who harms a defenseless child (or anyone else for that matter) like that. Do you write about it other than here? I have a collection of journals, half filled mostly, because I can never fully put into words what I feel. It's too...big, if that makes any sense. Every time I try to write out my experience, it makes it seem less than what it was. It feels minimized, so I just write in bursts, small portions of feelings. The only real way to do it any justice, and maybe you can relate to this, would be to open my brain and actually dump the experience out so people could feel it for themselves. I do think people understand....I do think people empathize...but there's also the need to just express it...because sometimes you feel like you're going to explode if you don't get it out.

Was there something in her past that turned her so toxic? How was she handled by her parents? Do you know?

Ok to answer your question about the writing, Ive started to write here and there, but I get overwhelmed. If im sad, it doesnt sound right. If im angry, it doesnt sound right. So i feel like somehow its not complete bc its influenced by what im feeling in the moment. My goal would be to tell it, like, not detached. But without an overwhelming emotion influencing it. I want it to not hurt me anymore. I dont mind being angry, a little angry, bc anger motivates me. "That fucking bitch shes not gonna blah blah blah my life anymore" i find strength in that in a weird way. But it would be great to not feel hurt or anger. Simply be like, ya, they were fucked up individuals. I want my energy to go towards me, and fixing what I can in my life now.
As far as forgiveness, shes not sorry so forgiveness is out. But, perhaps, as more time goes by, now that I do not see myself as responsible for her fuckedupness, I can slowly feel less pain and let go more. Im not forgiving anyone anything for any reason other than if they are truly sorry. I deserve my care and energy now. I deserved it way before now I was just still too hurting.