Story There’s so many reasons to end it so wtf

[attheend13]

I get the impression that this is not the right way to post but I've been here for awhile and no matter how I format a post I can see it's nothing new. I can't get through the next 10 minutes so I'm going to write and if it's deleted it's ok it's toxic anyway.

Toxic is kind of my brand. I'm completely worthless. I have failed myself and my kids and I'm so selfish I got into another relationship so I guess I'll ruin that now too. When I was a kid my mom used to write me these long letters in red ink while I was at school detailing what an embarrassment I am and what a burden I've been.

On my 14th birthday my dad who is in record as hating me picked me up from the home I was living in with foster parents and took me on a tour of his life. He told me I was a thorn in his side, a pain in the ass and again an embarrassment. I did years in a hospital and I listened to all the BS.

I guess I wanted to believe it was them and not me. But inside I knew. What's the common denominator? So it is me. So being a selfish disgusting pig, I had children. I'm failing them and if I CTB I may do to them what happened to me. Set up their lives to feel unworthy. My father and my mother say they wish I was never born. And they both have said I should ctb. So why am I here? I've tried and failed at that too. Now I live in the 30th floor, top floor of this building.

Sometimes I stand at the rail and look down really force myself to picture the fall. Less than a minute and I'm a stain on the pavement. But what about my girls? Even ending this farce, this joke that is a life would be an act of selfishness. No matter what I do now because it isn't what I do or don't do. It's me.

There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm not looking for comfort you can't possibly know what a piece of human garbage I am, but I am frozen in place. There are no more options and ctb will mean leaving as the ultimate villain. I can't do that to my daughters. I'm trying now just going to dangerous places, and praying/ putting out to the universe to spare someone else and take me. Don't make me have to do it and hurt people. The sky is silent though.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Seems to me the common denominator are your parents. They're the ones who did, and said, things to you that no good parents would ever do, or say, to their child, NO MATTER WHAT the child did. Good parents love their children unconditionally. I'm sorry you didn't get that from your parents.

 

[Csmith8827]

My father and my mother say they wish I was never born. And they both have said I should ctb.

I agree with locked and loaded.

Your parents shouldn't say shit like that to you... that's evil. I had some voices tell me that my sister thinks I should CTB because I messed up my life due to drugs. Even if she did say it she's such a hypocrite. She used to tell me about doing drugs with her friends and shit and she's the one who first showed me erowid.org

My point is fuck what there talking about and look at the truth. I hope you're not dependent on them for anything. Sounds like you're older now with your own kids. Maybe trying to do right by them is a good enough reason to live. I know that's kinda crappy to put that pressure on yourself...but yeah...

In my case everyone I know is honestly dead to an extent. There human-ness anyway. Now I'm just dealing with supernatural stuff... which is kinda different to an extent.

I guess I'd still feel bad about leaving but...you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sad reading your story and honestly, it makes me so angry at your parents. Sorry but either writting to your child telling them how awful they are, taking them on some mysery tour and just saying they wished you hadn't been born is utterly appalling! How can anyone have a chance at life given an upbringing like that? No matter how you behaved, that just doesn't justify that response- to my mind.

It strikes me that you're doing the best you can for your children. I'm so sorry that you feel trapped in this impossible situation.

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry those were the parents you've been dealt with. No child deserves to be told that, i feel your pain. We never chose that but that's what we were dealt with unfortunately. The way you worry about your kids shows that you are a good parent and are doing the best you can despite your own upbringing. I wish you the best in continuing to be the best you can for them.

 

[nevermeant2b]

Your worth far more than what you think, your daughters are looking up to you to guide them a different path than what your mother and father led you down. Don't be come what they say you are !

 

[attheend13]

Your worth far more than what you think, your daughters are looking up to you to guide them a different path than what your mother and father led you down. Don't be come what they say you are !

I feel so he constant pressure that they are watching because I have to keep the mask on and increasingly I'm failing at it. The crazy is leaking out and I want out so bad it hurts. Life hurts. Being alive hurts. I love my kids and they are only a blessing to the world. But I had no business having kids. I knew what I was. It was so selfish. My parents should have terminated and would have if they weren't catholic. If you aren't wanted, it isn't fair to be born. Ever see butterfly effect? I just wish I never was.

I'm so sorry those were the parents you've been dealt with. No child deserves to be told that, i feel your pain. We never chose that but that's what we were dealt with unfortunately. The way you worry about your kids shows that you are a good parent and are doing the best you can despite your own upbringing. I wish you the best in continuing to be the best you can for them.

I will never allow my girls to feel for one moment how I feel about myself. Every day I stand on the balcony and take a mental holiday. I close my eyes and imagine the fall, I can feel my stomach drop like a roller coaster and I wonder if it's like that. I can visualize the results. Then I see the faces of my children in my mind and I think of all the years of knowing that I was a burden to my parents and feeling worthless. So I go back inside and put on the mask. As long as you're not a problem to others they will ignore you. If I could stay numb I'd be fine

Seems to me the common denominator are your parents. They're the ones who did, and said, things to you that no good parents would ever do, or say, to their child, NO MATTER WHAT the child did. Good parents love their children unconditionally. I'm sorry you didn't get that from your parents.

The thing about being raised by two parents who actually hate you, it's not in your head it's on their lips, is that you have to believe it. It's not some lens by which I perceive the world it's a fact. My mom and I made peace my father is now in his 70s and he didn't attend my wedding never met my ex husband or either of my kids. I was in town last summer so I reached out and asked if he wanted to have coffee and he said « nah, that's ok ». My life has been defined by my worthlessness. I feel like I live in a waking hell. 24 hours a day I hear those voices added with the voices of all the men who I chose to tell me I'm worthless. One man told me he can see me for who I am and he can overlook my body. It hurts all the time. I feel the pain like a twisted ball weighing down my chest all day every day. I spend my days chanting in my head ´no one cares it doesn't matter shut up shut up'. It keeps me quiet sometimes it spills out and I see how angry and frustrated people get with me. Because I'm a burden. My parents were right about that. My father would say you're a thorn in my side, a pain in my ass'. Lol that's actually the closest he's ever come to acknowledging me at all. He once told me if I was thinner people wouldn't treat me so badly. I was a size 2 at that point. I have eating disorders. I was overweight as a child so this was when I was 21. That may have been the last time I saw him. He told me it was embarrassing that I was his daughter so he didn't tell people. It's like a broken record that plays on repeat in my brain.

Seems to me the common denominator are your parents. They're the ones who did, and said, things to you that no good parents would ever do, or say, to their child, NO MATTER WHAT the child did. Good parents love their children unconditionally. I'm sorry you didn't get that from your parents.

The funny thing is I was the good kid. I cleaned the house constantly I watched my brother and sister whenever asked and babysat for free for my parents friends, cleaned their houses too. It wasn't specific to my behavior exactly. But I cried so easily, I was bullied really badly at school and home was what it was. I cried if you looked at me wrong. I inferred a lot based on what I already knew about how I was perceived by my parents. My father left early my mom remarried and that man was obtuse. He was cruel out of ignorance but as a kid it was just renforcement of my worth. I was offered up as a safe target by my mom too. She laughed along with him. A harsh look was all it took. I learned to fill in the blanks. I don't know anymore. I just know it. hurts. all. the. time. I don't want to be here anymore

Your worth far more than what you think, your daughters are looking up to you to guide them a different path than what your mother and father led you down. Don't be come what they say you are !

Yeah but like the Miley Cyrus song says I'm everything they said I would be. I literally failed at every single thing I did in life. Turns out I'm not good at anything. My girls love me. It's their love that keeps me feigning strength and hope. Because it should be that way. I wish it was a world where I could tell my children to have hope and not feel like a fraud.

I'm so sad reading your story and honestly, it makes me so angry at your parents. Sorry but either writting to your child telling them how awful they are, taking them on some mysery tour and just saying they wished you hadn't been born is utterly appalling! How can anyone have a chance at life given an upbringing like that? No matter how you behaved, that just doesn't justify that response- to my mind.

It strikes me that you're doing the best you can for your children. I'm so sorry that you feel trapped in this impossible situation.

The place I'm stuck is that when I hide my story and lie, I'm living as a fraud. When I'm truthful I'm accused of making myself a victim. I'm willing to have an honest conversation about that but I was a kid, I never once held my kids responsable for what I said or did. Im not using it as an excuse. It's hard.

 

[attheend13]

I agree with locked and loaded.

Your parents shouldn't say shit like that to you... that's evil. I had some voices tell me that my sister thinks I should CTB because I messed up my life due to drugs. Even if she did say it she's such a hypocrite. She used to tell me about doing drugs with her friends and shit and she's the one who first showed me erowid.org

My point is fuck what there talking about and look at the truth. I hope you're not dependent on them for anything. Sounds like you're older now with your own kids. Maybe trying to do right by them is a good enough reason to live. I know that's kinda crappy to put that pressure on yourself...but yeah...

In my case everyone I know is honestly dead to an extent. There human-ness anyway. Now I'm just dealing with supernatural stuff... which is kinda different to an extent.

I guess I'd still feel bad about leaving but...you gotta do what you gotta do.

For a time in life I rallied. I went on the meds and entered into a state of numbness. I didn't experience happiness outside of my kids but I wasn't any trouble to anyone either. I would not CTB because someone said to. It hurts of course, but what hurts the most is, they are all right. I'm useless. The fact is I'm a burden. I'm crazy. The reason to CTB is that they're right. That's the part that hurts. Not everyone who is alive needs to be. The planet is dying anyway and frankly the less humans the better. I wanted my life to count for something but the best I can offer the world is to exit it. Stop sucking up resources better left to someone who matters. One less ant scurrying about on a hill. I can't believe it's all really been for nothing.