houseofleaves
and this with thee remains.
- Jan 14, 2022
- 549
1. I lied to my psychiatrist about having trouble sleeping so she would prescribe me Olanzapine. I'm not going to take this medication now, because i don't want to gain weight (i've took it before, i was sleeping for 14 hours straight and gained 10 kilos); i'm going to use it as an antiemetic before taking SN.
2. My mother called me today. She told me she is going to the war in summer (she is a journalist). I jokingly said «Please don't take me with you» and she answered «Of course i won't, you're my only treasure! If a bomb flies at us, all i can do is cover you with my body» — and for a moment my heart sank… Then she asked how i was doing. I thought about telling her that i wanted to CTB since i was at least 10 and now i feel ready, that i've lost all my hopes, that i've researched mental hospitals in a moment of desperation (i actually found some good ones, where doctors listen to you, do not beat you up and do not take your phone away — and the best part, they are FREE); and than i smiled and said cheerfully «Oh, I'm doing absolutely great!» — and there was no going back. Before you condemn me, guys, i want to tell you that this is the same woman that used to beat me with a belt and threatened to kill me; one time a doctor's help was required to stitch my face (it was a minor wound, but still). I've asked for her help when i was struggling with bulimia, and when i had some kind of hallucinations, and when i heard voices in my head, and when my body used to shake involuntarily. She didn't pay attention in any of these cases. I feel deep regret for the pain my CTB will bring her. But there's no going back, i think. This is the way.
2. My mother called me today. She told me she is going to the war in summer (she is a journalist). I jokingly said «Please don't take me with you» and she answered «Of course i won't, you're my only treasure! If a bomb flies at us, all i can do is cover you with my body» — and for a moment my heart sank… Then she asked how i was doing. I thought about telling her that i wanted to CTB since i was at least 10 and now i feel ready, that i've lost all my hopes, that i've researched mental hospitals in a moment of desperation (i actually found some good ones, where doctors listen to you, do not beat you up and do not take your phone away — and the best part, they are FREE); and than i smiled and said cheerfully «Oh, I'm doing absolutely great!» — and there was no going back. Before you condemn me, guys, i want to tell you that this is the same woman that used to beat me with a belt and threatened to kill me; one time a doctor's help was required to stitch my face (it was a minor wound, but still). I've asked for her help when i was struggling with bulimia, and when i had some kind of hallucinations, and when i heard voices in my head, and when my body used to shake involuntarily. She didn't pay attention in any of these cases. I feel deep regret for the pain my CTB will bring her. But there's no going back, i think. This is the way.
It's certainly just not fair at all, and I truly hope that you'll end up finding real peace or happiness. At least, I hope your days are going to get easier from here on out.
