bpdbun
Member
- Jun 16, 2022
- 6
For 10 years now I have tried endless ways to ctb, and for the past year I have been scouring the clear and dark nets for more methods and advice (including lurking here til I recently made an account) and have had no luck despite very late nights reading the PPH and compiling research.
Well, I live with my mom and her partner recently moved in. The other day I went in their room to borrow something and saw he has a shotgun on his side of the bed.
I was shaking and dissociated for a few hours over it. A method I've heavily considered is now in my home readily available, but I can't, I won't do it that way.
I couldn't bear using someone else's gun and making them carry that guilt, and I refuse to make my mom bury me. We're the only family we have left so I'm trying to wait until she passes, but 80% of every day I'm daydreaming of suicide.
I just needed to vent, because knowing a gun is in the house gives me peace of mind, but also chaos. It's teasing me.
Well, I live with my mom and her partner recently moved in. The other day I went in their room to borrow something and saw he has a shotgun on his side of the bed.
I was shaking and dissociated for a few hours over it. A method I've heavily considered is now in my home readily available, but I can't, I won't do it that way.
I couldn't bear using someone else's gun and making them carry that guilt, and I refuse to make my mom bury me. We're the only family we have left so I'm trying to wait until she passes, but 80% of every day I'm daydreaming of suicide.
I just needed to vent, because knowing a gun is in the house gives me peace of mind, but also chaos. It's teasing me.