airboy_a380
Can´t wait to find Neverland!
- Aug 12, 2020
- 247
Hello everyone, my real name is Paulo. And like all of you I came here to find a decent way to CTB, I've tried to ctb 5 times before without success . Spent many hours here daily, believed I witnessed some real people ctb and some fairy tales failed attempts. The beautiful side is, that while I wanted and ctb is always on my mind, I've met amazing people here, that have much more problems than me, that are in so much more pain then me, so I thought to myself. If they are suffering more than me I should give life a go cause I'm not suffering or have suffered half of some of the ops had. Tried shrinks, many shrinks for the last 5 years, spent some considerable amount of money on private doctors and medicine. Been given bipolar medicine, schizophrenic medicine , adhd medicine, Tried ALL anti depressants with no effect, gained weight, became chemically castrated while taking those. One day I said to myself, I'm not bipolar, either schizofrenic, so why on earth am I taking all these toxic medications without even being diagnosed with any of those illnesses. So I decided to stop all, wasn't that bad and hardly had any side effects, my sex drive came back, sorry touchy subject but must me mentioned. So for the last year, xanax and ambien Kinda help me well exist. But that was all it was doing. I still couldn't get out of bed, Ive stared at the ceiling for most part of my day, also had an opioid treatment and I'm taking Suboxone at its lowest dose 2mg daily. Upon one of the visits to the doctor to get my suboxone prescriptions for the month, I told him. Doc, I wanna kill my self soon and I know how to do it, it will be soon and I'm quite happy about it. I can still remember his scared face, I've written in a piece of paper an extensive list of all medication prescribed to me over the last 5 years. I told him, I don't want to try anything else that will turn me into a vegetable and be chemically castrated, but I just want you to know that I'm leaving soon. He didn't say much, then said well let's start I'm going to prescribe you 2 things only Viorxetine 30mg and lamotrigine 200mg are you open to that? He mentioned you won't gain weight, your sex drive won't go away, just come back in 3 weeks and tell me how you feel. I took the prescription, but was happier about Suboxone the most obviously. Still I decided oh well, fuck it, I'm taking those meds too, I have nothing to lose anyway.
I'm going to tell you, it's been nearly a month, I'm feeling coming back to myself very slowly but I do see some improvement, I feel myself slowly becoming more sociable and excited about leaving the house, even if it's just to get an espresso coffee. I'm In any way saying you should take that medicine, but that medicine and the fact that I ''met "2 wonderful people from this site that we chat daily is helping me through. I'm less negative, thinking about standing up and even going back to school at 40 to learn something new, cause aviation was always my jobs and now it's hard to work there because of the actual pandemic going on.
If you made it this far thank you, guys don't give up without giving it one LAST try that's all I'm asking, that's what I'm doing. Sorry for the long story but needed to get it out of my chest. Maybe in a few months the meds won't work and I'll CTB, but for now it's working and I'm not going down without a fight. Life is shit and then we die, yes we do. But let's give not life but ourselves one last chance, one last STAND! That's all from my side. Peace and love to all. Paulo
I'm going to tell you, it's been nearly a month, I'm feeling coming back to myself very slowly but I do see some improvement, I feel myself slowly becoming more sociable and excited about leaving the house, even if it's just to get an espresso coffee. I'm In any way saying you should take that medicine, but that medicine and the fact that I ''met "2 wonderful people from this site that we chat daily is helping me through. I'm less negative, thinking about standing up and even going back to school at 40 to learn something new, cause aviation was always my jobs and now it's hard to work there because of the actual pandemic going on.
If you made it this far thank you, guys don't give up without giving it one LAST try that's all I'm asking, that's what I'm doing. Sorry for the long story but needed to get it out of my chest. Maybe in a few months the meds won't work and I'll CTB, but for now it's working and I'm not going down without a fight. Life is shit and then we die, yes we do. But let's give not life but ourselves one last chance, one last STAND! That's all from my side. Peace and love to all. Paulo
