Venting there was never a place for me here

[$crim]

"here" as in, yknow... earth. i dont want to waste peoples time if they so happen to click on this unfortunate sad circlejerk of a post, so ill just skip the unneeded info
ive wasted the 22 years of my life here scratching, clawing, and fighting to live and not once has it came to fruition in any positive way. ive tried therapy, ive tried brain altering medication, and still no luck. i no longer take care of myself and cant be bothered to brush my teeth, hair, or even get up out of bed most days. ive relapsed into self harm after being clean for a year and two months, regained weight ive spent months losing believing it would save me from my own thoughts because following a beauty standard would some how magically cure me of all self hatred, so on and so forth.
i no longer want to try anymore. i want to make all of this suffering end but i am terrified of the other side. i have failed over 10 attempts since i tried half-hearted attempts in my younger years and i know that one day ill eventually put an end to this stupid cycle of self pity, but its all a matter of time now.

i feel like a ghost, nobody ever sees me and nobody percieves me as human. that is partially on me as i refuse to leave the house to subject anyone to the sight of me. its ridiculous to read after writing down my exact thoughts, but the immense shame i feel just for living and being known as an existing being is unreal. despite having a loving fiance and family, i whole heartedly believe that this fate is inevitable despite how selfish it is, and i will cry not for myself, but for the pain i know that they will feel. its ridiculous how guilty i feel just thinking about relieving myself of this life, and nothing more.

im just so tired of everything. sorry for rambling.

 

[OceanBlue]

Earth is insignificant, but suffering on it is immense.

but the immense shame i feel just for living and being known as an existing being is unrea

I can relate, I'm very familiar with toxic shame. Sorry that you tried and it didn't bring results you wanted, I wish our effort was enough, but it's down to luck. Some people here wish for a loving fiance and family, but it definitely makes it more difficult to leave.

I trust that you will make the best decision for yourself and if you decide to leave, then others should accept it.

Best wishes

 

[leavingsoon99]

I feel this so much. I feel so alien and out of place here in this life.

ive wasted the 22 years of my life here scratching, clawing, and fighting to live and not once has it came to fruition in any positive way.

It's exhausting and saddening when you've given life everything you had and it just becomes ash in your mouth. I can't tell you how much I feel this. I hope you get clarity and peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[leftdreaming]

Fuck, I've never related to a post more.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

I'm hikikomori, i can relate to

 

[LoiteringClouds]

"here" as in, yknow... earth. i dont want to waste peoples time if they so happen to click on this unfortunate sad circlejerk of a post, so ill just skip the unneeded info
ive wasted the 22 years of my life here scratching, clawing, and fighting to live and not once has it came to fruition in any positive way. ive tried therapy, ive tried brain altering medication, and still no luck. i no longer take care of myself and cant be bothered to brush my teeth, hair, or even get up out of bed most days. ive relapsed into self harm after being clean for a year and two months, regained weight ive spent months losing believing it would save me from my own thoughts because following a beauty standard would some how magically cure me of all self hatred, so on and so forth.
i no longer want to try anymore. i want to make all of this suffering end but i am terrified of the other side. i have failed over 10 attempts since i tried half-hearted attempts in my younger years and i know that one day ill eventually put an end to this stupid cycle of self pity, but its all a matter of time now.

i feel like a ghost, nobody ever sees me and nobody percieves me as human. that is partially on me as i refuse to leave the house to subject anyone to the sight of me. its ridiculous to read after writing down my exact thoughts, but the immense shame i feel just for living and being known as an existing being is unreal. despite having a loving fiance and family, i whole heartedly believe that this fate is inevitable despite how selfish it is, and i will cry not for myself, but for the pain i know that they will feel. its ridiculous how guilty i feel just thinking about relieving myself of this life, and nothing more.

im just so tired of everything. sorry for rambling.

Hello @Chemtech,
You are exhausted during your trek,
But people deny you a bed.
They give you more loads instead.

Anyone could say, "you deserve peace,"
But the earth is actually a cruel place.
I wish I could invite you to a sanctuary,
Where we would be protected from every adversary.

I'm no poet, so I wouldn't enchant you with a rhyme,
But please know that your voice was heard this time.
I'm just a stranger, but @Chemtech,
I would like to give you a friendly peck

I wish I could create a place for you.
I wish I could understand what you are going through.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Your story make me feel terribly sad. I feel with you. Life can be so hard and unfair. I'm sure you will make the right decisions when the time has come. All the best.

 

[woh6]

I can relate, this place isn't meant for me either. Wish you the well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that some people are just not meant for existing and it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own, it does sound so tiring what you've had to endure. But anyway I wish you the best, there really is no point to fearing death as we are destined for nowhere but to die, I very strongly believe that death is just permanent nothingness, it's finally freedom from the hell that is existing.