There is no recovery

[RainAndSadness]

Some of you know I'm transgender and it's the main reason for my existence in this forum. And I have been trying to get better the last few weeks but it feels like an impossible goal to accomplish. I feel worse actually. I feel like I'm slowly spiraling down. And that's funny because I actually thought it couldn't get any worse 6 months ago, when I registered in this place. Guess I was wrong.

I have started my transition 2 years ago and I thought I had a big junk of it behind me already but I just recently realized that I just got started. I have so many appointments with different doctors in the upcoming few weeks and it feels very overwhelming to me. I feel like a hopelessly sick person. I know it's gonna be like that for the next 10 years years. Maybe longer, maybe it will last forever. Who knows. And I'm gonna feel that overwhelming emptiness and frustration within me and there is nothing I can do to change that. There is nothing I can do to reduce my suffering. My whole identity is currently under construction and I'm trying to build a new one with a new body, basically, from scrap. But it's not working out. I'm trying to somehow turn this rotten building into a temple but I don't feel like I can tackle that project anymore. I'm so exhausted I can't do anything but surrender to my gender dysphoria.

And I also think, as a trans person, recovery is almost impossible. Because that enormous distress is never going fully away. There is no cure for gender dysphoria, only treatment and you can't really influence the progress of said treatment either. You just have to wait and hope that you will feel better in the near future with no real perspective of reaching that state.

I've been talking to other people that are transitioning way longer than I am and it didn't get much better for many of them too. Why should I be the exception? I despise everything about myself and yeah, I can keep going, keep attending my appointments, keep struggling, keep hoping that it will somehow fix things magically in the future but there is no end in sight. It's like a dark tunnel and you hope you'll see the light soon but it may never appear. And it's very dark right now in that tunnel.

I was so naive when I started my transition 2 years ago. I thought it would be a matter of months until I would be able to finally accept myself but I was highly overestimating the effects of the treatment. I feel better than I did before but I'm not in a position to live a comfortable life. I'm suffering every day. I'm frustrated. I'm angry at myself. I'm socially isolated. I have no friends outside of this community. I'm lonely. And I'm living in poverty. I can't distract myself from the reality. What's the point? Why keep going? There is no reason to keep going. And I don't have the strength to go much further. I already pushed myself to the limit.

And I just recently found out that I can't even change my name and gender legally because I lack important papers from doctors (it would take another few months to get them) and that's very crushing to me. It was one of the few things that kept me going the last few months. Being recognized as my true gender and finally have a different name on my passport. It would feel great having a name that doesn't make me cringe every time I hear it. It might seem trivial to people that never felt gender dysphoria but for me it's a very essential key to my identity. And I don't want to be remembered as a male person that was given a male name at birth. It was one of the reasons why I delayed my exit, actually. Everything I need for my exit is ready, for quite a while now, all packed up in my bag. I just can go whenever I desire. But I wanted to leave and be remembered as a female person with the name I chose for myself. It looks like even that won't be possible for me. That little bit of salvation, even that is denied for me. I'm gonna die in this rotten, incomplete state and I'm gonna be remembered like that by friends and family. And that's the worst of all, knowing you'll live on in this abnormal, rotten state in other people. They can't even give me a break once I'm gone. You know. I would rather be forgotten than being remembered like this.

But yeah, tl;dr - there is no recovery. Only further suffering and desperation.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I truly wish there was something I could say to make it better, I really do.

 

[SiArc]

I am so sorry for your suffering with being someone you weren't meant to be. I have a few trans friends and they struggle so hard.

There isn't much I can think of to change gender but anyone can change their name in any State (assuming you are in the USA) without any reason behind it. I did and it only cost me about 175-200 USD with court fees and newspaper declaration (thing they do in my county). Perhaps you can look into just that for now?

My heart goes out to you.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I feel you I'm trans myself and it sucks so much I hate every day and I'm terrified even if I do transition I won't help at all that's my biggest fear

 

[Johnnythefox]

(assuming you are in the USA)

She is in Switzerland, I thought that it would have been easier there, but obviously not.

 

[SiArc]

She is in Switzerland, I thought that it would have been easier there, but obviously not.

Ah, my apologies.

 

[Retched]

Big hugs!

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I hope my reading of random crap can offer some condolesence: every so often I encounter one of those "trans success story" posts. Am album of a guy (usually) going through hormone therapy.
Every so often they take some selfies and comment on how they either feel like shit or how they feel so much better.
I can't offer average numbers, but the last guy I've seen took about seventeen months to go through entirely. At least she looks like she's done.
It's tough, I know, but do your goddamn best to keep pushing forward!

 

[Shewaitsforme]

You may not feel like you should be the exception but that doesnt mean you cant be. Its hard to see from where you are now, people underestimate what the process takes, what it means, what it involves treatment wise. Often it gets worse before it gets better. Your forcing your body to change so it fits your mind and the body you believe is you, thats no easy task infact its so so brave. I dont think you give yourself enough credit, the things you have done to get this far even the getting appointments and starting treatment, you did that so please give yourself the bravery you deserve. If may be months, years before you really feel happier but it can happen. At one point you thought this would be worth it, hang onto that. Its gonna be tough but if you didnt think and the doctors didnt think you were worth it it wouldnt be happening. Keep going :)

 

[gingerplum]

I cannot imagine how it must feel for even one minute to know your body doesn't match your gender. That must be an awful kind of torment.

I hope, hope, hope that you'll be the exception and everything you're going thru now will be worth it in the end.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@RainAndSadness I am sad that you feel this way, I wish I could say something helpful. All I can do is offer a hug.
Our identity can be such a conflicting thing and more so when we are depressed let alone what you are going through; I feel sad that people are not responding to you in a positive way and that you have documents in a different name. It's so unfair. I hope that you can build your identity on your values, on what you believe and not what society pushes on you. You are kind and loving to people on here with advice and support, that makes you a good person worth the world.

I hope you can proceed and make it through the rest of the process involved and come out of this knowing you are worth your weight in gold xxx