TropicalLeaf
Silly goose
- May 11, 2021
- 2
Hello, I am usually a lurker on this site. I find it reassuring hearing others with similar feelings with their struggles being met with supportive members. It helps me feel less alone in terms of struggling. With that being said I just wanted to get some things from my life off of my chest.
I really want to ctb but the timing will never be alright. I have decided to wait one year but I really do not want to. This new years my brother passed away after dealing with a horrible addiction. I have always struggled with my mental health but that definitely made me spiral. We were as close as possible with him living a few hours away. I never got to see him before he died and that haunts me. My family decided to go on a whim to visit him and my grandmother but was upset I couldn't just call into work sick. Even if my job wasn't important, I can't risk being written up or fired. Another thing that hurts is I was with my ex girlfriend that new years and I wanted to call my grandmother warning her not to let my brother drive. But I never called. I feel like that could of saved him. I'll never know. My ex broke up with me over the phone on his funeral day. She knew about it. Her reasons seemed so scattered that even though it's been months I still don't understand why. The only reason I can remember was that she wasn't upset I went silent and ignored her because apparently she was supposed to be angry at that. Sorry I was grieving? My mother is a narcissist I believe with how she treats her family. She has been ignoring me for several weeks all because of an argument where she told me to go to hell. Now she suddenly wants to talk as long as I do stuff for her. I have been taking care of her parental duties since as long as I remember. I am aware of her struggles but she does nothing to help herself or anyone for that matter. I wish I didn't have to put up with this.
I have had a history of attempts since I was 12. Went to inpatient 3 times now. Once at 13, my first year of college I burned out and couldn't handle anything, and a few months ago this year. Only the 2nd time was a little helpful and I appreciate the nurses. I am afraid of failing again and hurting everyone I know even more. I know if I were to ctb, my parents could not handle it, my other brother does not need to go through the grief again and especially my coworkers who struggle with mental health too. I am quite uneasy about this. I thought I could go back to college- this time online but I am in the process of medically withdrawing. This makes me feel so pathetic that I can't handle online college. I cannot handle my brain anymore. I cannot handle experiencing delusions, the mania and depression anymore. I cannot handle having to be responsible for other people's well-being.
The only thing keeping me grounded is my dog. It hurts me to think that she might not see me ever again. And on the days where I have been gone for long periods of time. She has been depressed and tries to look for me. Knowing this hurts me even more.
I do not want to be in pain anymore. I am on a few medications and I don't see any progress right now. If my mood doesn't stabilize they want to explore the option of lithium but the fact I have to get blood tests scares me. That and my Aunt had lithium poisoning herself. My therapist doesn't help me much and I can't get a new one unless I wait several months again. She keeps linking everything to childhood trauma but never helps me navigate through any of my issues. I tried telling her that my thoughts were feeling scattered, that people could hear them and that I was getting thoughts planted into my head by a higher being (I no longer think this) and she simply said that there are magnetic fields linking us together. And that as kids we think things is our fault. I'm sorry but this isn't helpful at least not for me. In fact I felt worse. She even tried saying I had PTSD. I have to disagree with this. I do agree I have gone through traumatic moments in my life. That has definitely impacted my well-being. But I do not have actual PTSD. I have friends with PTSD and I know it looks different for everyone but I would feel like a fake knowing how they have experienced it themselves. Some even have CPTSD and I do not want to make light of their struggles. This is why I do not agree with her linking everything to trauma.
In short, I can't handle my brother passing away, my family life, and my brain. The medication hasn't helped so far and neither has any therapist or counselor. I want the suffering to pass, but I never have the right time.
To clarify I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My brother had schizophrenia and my Aunt struggles with schizoaffective disorder. A psychologist I once saw put schizoaffective under diagnostic impressions. Normally I don't care for a diagnosis as long as I'm getting the help I need, but I wish we had a follow up appointment to discuss that possibility. I don't know if this information even matters.
Sorry for the long vent, especially for this being my first post.
I really want to ctb but the timing will never be alright. I have decided to wait one year but I really do not want to. This new years my brother passed away after dealing with a horrible addiction. I have always struggled with my mental health but that definitely made me spiral. We were as close as possible with him living a few hours away. I never got to see him before he died and that haunts me. My family decided to go on a whim to visit him and my grandmother but was upset I couldn't just call into work sick. Even if my job wasn't important, I can't risk being written up or fired. Another thing that hurts is I was with my ex girlfriend that new years and I wanted to call my grandmother warning her not to let my brother drive. But I never called. I feel like that could of saved him. I'll never know. My ex broke up with me over the phone on his funeral day. She knew about it. Her reasons seemed so scattered that even though it's been months I still don't understand why. The only reason I can remember was that she wasn't upset I went silent and ignored her because apparently she was supposed to be angry at that. Sorry I was grieving? My mother is a narcissist I believe with how she treats her family. She has been ignoring me for several weeks all because of an argument where she told me to go to hell. Now she suddenly wants to talk as long as I do stuff for her. I have been taking care of her parental duties since as long as I remember. I am aware of her struggles but she does nothing to help herself or anyone for that matter. I wish I didn't have to put up with this.
I have had a history of attempts since I was 12. Went to inpatient 3 times now. Once at 13, my first year of college I burned out and couldn't handle anything, and a few months ago this year. Only the 2nd time was a little helpful and I appreciate the nurses. I am afraid of failing again and hurting everyone I know even more. I know if I were to ctb, my parents could not handle it, my other brother does not need to go through the grief again and especially my coworkers who struggle with mental health too. I am quite uneasy about this. I thought I could go back to college- this time online but I am in the process of medically withdrawing. This makes me feel so pathetic that I can't handle online college. I cannot handle my brain anymore. I cannot handle experiencing delusions, the mania and depression anymore. I cannot handle having to be responsible for other people's well-being.
The only thing keeping me grounded is my dog. It hurts me to think that she might not see me ever again. And on the days where I have been gone for long periods of time. She has been depressed and tries to look for me. Knowing this hurts me even more.
I do not want to be in pain anymore. I am on a few medications and I don't see any progress right now. If my mood doesn't stabilize they want to explore the option of lithium but the fact I have to get blood tests scares me. That and my Aunt had lithium poisoning herself. My therapist doesn't help me much and I can't get a new one unless I wait several months again. She keeps linking everything to childhood trauma but never helps me navigate through any of my issues. I tried telling her that my thoughts were feeling scattered, that people could hear them and that I was getting thoughts planted into my head by a higher being (I no longer think this) and she simply said that there are magnetic fields linking us together. And that as kids we think things is our fault. I'm sorry but this isn't helpful at least not for me. In fact I felt worse. She even tried saying I had PTSD. I have to disagree with this. I do agree I have gone through traumatic moments in my life. That has definitely impacted my well-being. But I do not have actual PTSD. I have friends with PTSD and I know it looks different for everyone but I would feel like a fake knowing how they have experienced it themselves. Some even have CPTSD and I do not want to make light of their struggles. This is why I do not agree with her linking everything to trauma.
In short, I can't handle my brother passing away, my family life, and my brain. The medication hasn't helped so far and neither has any therapist or counselor. I want the suffering to pass, but I never have the right time.
To clarify I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My brother had schizophrenia and my Aunt struggles with schizoaffective disorder. A psychologist I once saw put schizoaffective under diagnostic impressions. Normally I don't care for a diagnosis as long as I'm getting the help I need, but I wish we had a follow up appointment to discuss that possibility. I don't know if this information even matters.
Sorry for the long vent, especially for this being my first post.
