Discussion there is more to life . but it doesnt matter .

[darknessisfine8]

whenever i try to discuss about suicide . one of the things people tell me suddenly is that

" there is more to life . and happiness may come your way anytime . "

what is your answer to these people ?


my answer is that there may be happiness in the world both for me and others . but it doesnt matter anymore .

i needed it long ago and it wasnt there . now its only suffering for me and i cant afford to see further .

a part of this good side of the world should be . to allow people to choose for themselves . a part of this happiness is to escape the sadness .

 

[lost in the lilies]

whenever i try to discuss about suicide . one of the things people tell me suddenly is that

" there is more to life . and happiness may come your way anytime . "

what is your answer to these people ?


my answer is that there may be happiness in the world both for me and others . but it doesnt matter anymore .

i needed it long ago and it wasnt there . now its only suffering for me and i cant afford to see further .

a part of this good side of the world should be . to allow people to choose for themselves . a part of this happiness is to escape the sadness .

Honestly I have this kind of back & forth mentally quite often. Every time I'm at my lowest I try to remind myself that there's still some opportunities for improving myself and my life. Things to do, places to go, things what would just be fun or nice to do and thus I shouldn't think so dramatically. For the longest time I would ask myself "What is your dream life? think of how good you would feel every single day if you were there already!" but it seems that no matter what scenario I think up - part of me doesn't really even want it anymore?

It's a strange sensation. I feel like it's hard to explain but I'm sure anyone here would understand it perfectly so there isn't really need for an explanation. But I've just reached a point where I no longer even have much of an interest in doing anything or getting anywhere. I mean, I've never had crazy ambitions to begin with, my dream in life has always just been to one day live somewhere in the country where it's pretty and live in some modest house far away from most people. I think the most luxurious things I could dream of having in that position are maybe a good internet connection & a pretty garden with cool plants and flowers. But even so, I've just reached a point of exhaustion where the prospect of permanently being unconscious has begun to look more attractive than that. I really wish I could just leave this world at the press of a button, that the whole process of leaving this life wasn't so terrifying & complicated. I hope that in the future, someway, somehow we're both able to be where we ultimately decide to be and are no longer forced to just 'go with the waves' of this world

 

[NeedyAphrodite]

I'm feeling such similar feelings. Sure, I have had some good moments, but that does not make a good LIFE. And hanging on in hopes it may get better? When the past 43 years has shown me that a good enough life had in fact passed me by. I feel I am already dead inside and have been for a long time, just going through the motions. The ONLY reason I am still here is because I have a child who depends on me- and yet I feel awful for that fact. I wish my child had other family and supports and my only goal right now is to make sure they are set before I go. I can't imagine more of this torture.

 

[darknessisfine8]

Honestly I have this kind of back & forth mentally quite often. Every time I'm at my lowest I try to remind myself that there's still some opportunities for improving myself and my life. Things to do, places to go, things what would just be fun or nice to do and thus I shouldn't think so dramatically. For the longest time I would ask myself "What is your dream life? think of how good you would feel every single day if you were there already!" but it seems that no matter what scenario I think up - part of me doesn't really even want it anymore?

It's a strange sensation. I feel like it's hard to explain but I'm sure anyone here would understand it perfectly so there isn't really need for an explanation. But I've just reached a point where I no longer even have much of an interest in doing anything or getting anywhere. I mean, I've never had crazy ambitions to begin with, my dream in life has always just been to one day live somewhere in the country where it's pretty and live in some modest house far away from most people. I think the most luxurious things I could dream of having in that position are maybe a good internet connection & a pretty garden with cool plants and flowers. But even so, I've just reached a point of exhaustion where the prospect of permanently being unconscious has begun to look more attractive than that. I really wish I could just leave this world at the press of a button, that the whole process of leaving this life wasn't so terrifying & complicated. I hope that in the future, someway, somehow we're both able to be where we ultimately decide to be and are no longer forced to just 'go with the waves' of this world

i can relate to you a lot.

after some point its no longer the lack of money . power or anything that you wanna leave .

and honestly . i believe it would still be the case if you had them all .

after some point its the pure experience of life itself that becomes exhausting . not the failures in it .


i hope everything could be better for all of us

 

[lost in the lilies]

I'm feeling such similar feelings. Sure, I have had some good moments, but that does not make a good LIFE. And hanging on in hopes it may get better? When the past 43 years has shown me that a good enough life had in fact passed me by. I feel I am already dead inside and have been for a long time, just going through the motions. The ONLY reason I am still here is because I have a child who depends on me- and yet I feel awful for that fact. I wish my child had other family and supports and my only goal right now is to make sure they are set before I go. I can't imagine more of this torture.

I'm only half your age so I can't even begin to imagine how exhausting it must be for you. But honestly, I know it may not mean much, but I think it's beautiful that you'll put up with it to make sure your kid will be okay. I'm not sure I'd ever want to have children myself but I've always thought of it as a beautiful process where the parents themselves sort of experience life for the first time again through them. And I guess if I ever had a kid I'd sort of feel comforted, it's almost like you're getting a second chance in a way. Maybe you're not living through it, but you brought that person to live and God willing they will have a better experience of it than you did. I hope through all of your pain you're able to experience things like this and I wish you strength as you continue to raise them, I hope the best for two of you :)

 

[darknessisfine8]

I'm feeling such similar feelings. Sure, I have had some good moments, but that does not make a good LIFE. And hanging on in hopes it may get better? When the past 43 years has shown me that a good enough life had in fact passed me by. I feel I am already dead inside and have been for a long time, just going through the motions. The ONLY reason I am still here is because I have a child who depends on me- and yet I feel awful for that fact. I wish my child had other family and supports and my only goal right now is to make sure they are set before I go. I can't imagine more of t

I'm feeling such similar feelings. Sure, I have had some good moments, but that does not make a good LIFE. And hanging on in hopes it may get better? When the past 43 years has shown me that a good enough life had in fact passed me by. I feel I am already dead inside and have been for a long time, just going through the motions. The ONLY reason I am still here is because I have a child who depends on me- and yet I feel awful for that fact. I wish my child had other family and supports and my only goal right now is to make sure they are set before I go. I can't imagine more of this torture.

hope your kid is doing okay .

youre such a kind person

 

[eternalpace]

There's always the CHANCE that there's more to life. Of course. But there are no guarantees... and history often/typically repeats itself. If you're headed down the road to nowhere and things just aren't going your way, knowing that there's a chance that there's more to life doesn't change anything... and it doesn't magically erase a past of personal hell and hardship.

 

[NeedyAphrodite]

I'm only half your age so I can't even begin to imagine how exhausting it must be for you. But honestly, I know it may not mean much, but I think it's beautiful that you'll put up with it to make sure your kid will be okay. I'm not sure I'd ever want to have children myself but I've always thought of it as a beautiful process where the parents themselves sort of experience life for the first time again through them. And I guess if I ever had a kid I'd sort of feel comforted, it's almost like you're getting a second chance in a way. Maybe you're not living through it, but you brought that person to live and God willing they will have a better experience of it than you did. I hope through all of your pain you're able to experience things like this and I wish you strength as you continue to raise them, I hope the best for two of you :)

Thank you. I have 2 kids, one is an adult and one is still a child. I have worked so hard to make my children's lives better than mine, and they are amazing human beings I am lucky to have. I feel awful because they deserve more. I haven't been able to escape my own internal hell, and the effects my own upbringing and lack of support has had on me. I have wanted to die since I was a child. All the help I have gotten hasn't helped- because ultimately I have never been loved unconditionally or had the proper diagnoses or support, both medically and mentally.

It's always just out of reach and i'm tired of treading water. Every day I wonder why i'm here and why i've spent my entire life trying so hard just to end up nowhere.

 

[lost in the lilies]

Thank you. I have 2 kids, one is an adult and one is still a child. I have worked so hard to make my children's lives better than mine, and they are amazing human beings I am lucky to have. I feel awful because they deserve more. I haven't been able to escape my own internal hell, and the effects my own upbringing and lack of support has had on me. I have wanted to die since I was a child. All the help I have gotten hasn't helped- because ultimately I have never been loved unconditionally or had the proper diagnoses or support, both medically and mentally.

It's always just out of reach and i'm tired of treading water. Every day I wonder why i'm here and why i've spent my entire life trying so hard just to end up nowhere.

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, so I hope at the very least it functions as some sort of reminder that might cheer you up even if just a little. But like you said, you have 2 kids who are both amazing human beings, and I really can't fathom how difficult your road has been, but I'm sure you've really tried to give them your best and if they're as amazing as you say they are I feel like you succeeded. I don't really know you, but I can relate to you in your suffering and in sharing the same desire to just be done with everything and find peace. And maybe it's cheesy or cliche, but in a way, I feel like sharing that sentiment brings us closer to each other. I know it doesn't mean much but, if you haven't heard it from anyone in a while, from someone who's also tired of it all - I love you and hope things some how get better, even if just by a little