Venting There are only two things that scare me about CTB/dying.

[Ta555]

The first is failure resulting in severe brain damage. I think that's pretty straightforward and self-explanatory.

The second I just recently realised and that's being forgotten.
Idk why. I just always feel like I can never get enough love. Like whatever love I do have is about to slip out of my grasp unless I work hard to keep it. And even though I have a partner who loves me a lot, a part of my brain always feels it's not enough and I'm always looking for more. I don't mean in a romantic sense or that I go and cheat, I mean just like getting positive attention from anyone for anything.
I make a lot of content for a fandom online despite being a grown ass adult, but that's what I enjoy. I draw a lot and write a lot. And I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on it all over the last few years and made some really good online friends through it but it feels it's never enough. Like no matter how good I do, I always feel like some better artist or writer will come along and I will lose everything. I know that sounds really dramatic and stupid and probably childish but that's how it is. I'm starting to unravel my stupid childhood. I don't think I've ever felt unconditional love while growing up. Now my parents are so fucking worried about me, not necessarily because of my suicidal ideation but because of the mysterious health issues plaguing me that make me want to Ctb but I feel like it's too late. No matter how nice they are now, I can't connect with them. And I'm still chasing that love/attention.

And I'm afraid if I Ctb I'll have no new content, no new writing that people love so much, to put out and I'll be forgotten very quickly and people will move on. And I know this sounds ridiculous because I'll be dead and won't care but somehow the thought of this, especially leaving some ongoing stories (I publish chapter by chapter) unfinished people will just get pissed off that I couldn't even leave them satisfied and I'll be hated posthumously or something.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just wanted to get it out because I don't feel like telling my counsellor.

Death itself doesn't scare me. But, unlike The Strokes, I don't want to be forgotten.
I don't know how much more I can take of these neurological health issues plaguing me. I want to go just like my friend Void. I wish I could've gone with him.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry I don't really have much to say but I can understand / appreciate what you speak of.

I don't think any of that is ridiculous,. Its just How you feel and I totally respect it. Being forgotten and not loved / enough
makes sense,. Thought about those numerous times myself and I Fckn hate it.

wish you Nothing but the best,. Thoughts and prayers . -

 

[Ta555]

I'm sorry I don't really have much to say but I can understand / appreciate what you speak of.

I don't think any of that is ridiculous,. Its just How you feel and I totally respect it. Being forgotten and not loved / enough
makes sense,. Thought about those numerous times myself and I Fckn hate it.

wish you Nothing but the best,. Thoughts and prayers . -

Thanks. You know, I feel letting out thoughts like this here is much more useful than telling therapist or whatever. Because in therapy you just kind of get told explicitly or implicitly that you're thinking wrong. That of course there are people who love you and won't forget you and you need to change the way you think and you'll be swell.
Whereas here people just say, I get it. I feel the same or I've been through this. And it makes you feel validated and like it's not your fault for 'thinking' or 'perceiving' wrong. It is what it is. It makes it easier to accept and change.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so sad and unfair. Your feelings are understandable. I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. To me, it is so horrifying how our bodies are capable of torturing us so much. I wish you relief from pain.