Therapy is making me wanna die more

[N33dT0D13]

Three sessions in so not at all coming from a grounded or informed or logical place, I just feel guilty, I don't know if any one person is worth all of this effort and I'm not curing cancer or anything, I am worthless in the long run, why drag all these people in my life down by making them worry about me and have to navigate my shitty emotions when I could literally just be dead instead... I get so guilty when people don't hate me. I know I don't suffer more than anyone else, I don't suffer enough frankly to warrant any of my feelings or behaviors, I need to be destroyed, I can't keep burdening people like I have been...

I feel bad my best friend worries about me cuz now I guaranteed can't disappear and never be heard from again or else he'll be sad but if he doesn't know it was a suicide... He might assume so anyway cuz I constantly talk about wanting to kill myself lmao
but also he talks about maybe being a benign sociopath and having limited emotions and no emotional empathy (not to imply anything bad about him, he has plenty of cognitive empathy and is super nice) so he'd get over it quicker than most people, right? I can't ask him that cuz it would probs upset him and he deserves better than that but he'd move on! And he's the person who arguably cares about me the most so it'd be fine... That feels selfish, I don't want to take me from him I guess, I just know he's better off without me, as is everyone, I'm nowhere near good or even decent enough to be worth this effort.

I know I'm a bad friend. I know I'm obnoxious and piss people off when I speak even if they don't say it, and I know that reflects badly on me because I'm being obnoxious. I know I deserve to suffer and be hated, I feel guilty I've duped certain people into believing otherwise. I am a parasite. I need to be destroyed. The only people who "care" only do so because 1. they are nice caring people in general 2. they want fuck me or 3. they get paid to "care", it is impossible to just care about me because I don't let anyone because I know it's impossible because I'm impossible because I can't stop playing victim and being stubborn and annoying, I need to die, I need to get murdered, as an expression of how horrible and annoying I am, I NEED TO, I MUST DIE AND IT MUST HURT, I NEED TO HURT, NEED IT NEED IT NEED IT

 

[KillingPain267]

why drag all these people in my life down by making them worry about me and have to navigate my shitty emotions when I could literally just be dead instead...

They would be out of a job otherwise

 

[N33dT0D13]

They would be out of a job otherwise

Eh, no lack of wounded people, they'll find a new client to replace me easy

 

[Infinitespace_]

you cannot escape yourself so you best make peace with who and what you are

 

[N33dT0D13]

you cannot escape yourself so you best make peace with who and what you are

Would death not be an escape?

 

[Infinitespace_]

Would death not be an escape?

temporary escape but this mind/ego will follow you into your next life

 

[N33dT0D13]

temporary escape but this mind/ego will follow you into your next life

...A horrifying thought, though the idea of me just consistently killing myself across reincarnations is kind of funny in a fucked up kind of way.
And I'd at least know not to get too close to anyone lest I put them in a position to be sad over me

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Would death not be an escape?

No one can answer that question. No one can know. The world is full of people who pretend to know. They don't know.

This is the only correct response, no matter what other people say. It is honest, and as maximally sound as one can get given the limited understanding we have and will ever have.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I really wanna hit myself... My therapist told me not to and I feel like I disappointed her enough today but I verbally agreed not to attend sessions high, she didn't make me agree not to hit myself, just said she wanted me to stop, so if I do hit myself, I'm not lying to her and she doesn't necessarily need to know about it... Hehe I wish I could just clone myself and me and the clone mutually beat the shit out of each other

 

[N33dT0D13]

...I am not special!! In any way!!! And that's all I want is to be fucking special, to the people in my life, to the world, but I'm not, not especially good or bad, just another person, except far more mentally ill and unstable and in a lot of pain so if we disregard who I am, me being a good or bad person or "deserving" anything
I will always feel this heartache and will never achieve my desires of being special in anyway, why not die? Nothing I do matters for shit, I might as well just drop dead, but there's also no point to actually killing myself. I'll just smoke more cigs and drink more, at least I can forget myself and have fun maybe lmao

I genuinely hate myself so fucking much, every single bit of me, how I feel and think and act, it's all fucking rotten... I need to like "accidentally" die somehow lmao

 

[Infinitespace_]

...I am not special!! In any way!!! And that's all I want is to be fucking special, to the people in my life, to the world, but I'm not, not especially good or bad, just another person, except far more mentally ill and unstable and in a lot of pain so if we disregard who I am, me being a good or bad person or "deserving" anything
I will always feel this heartache and will never achieve my desires of being special in anyway, why not die? Nothing I do matters for shit, I might as well just drop dead, but there's also no point to actually killing myself. I'll just smoke more cigs and drink more, at least I can forget myself and have fun maybe lmao

I genuinely hate myself so fucking much, every single bit of me, how I feel and think and act, it's all fucking rotten... I need to like "accidentally" die somehow lmao

There is nobody else like you, nobody else has ever been like you, nobody else is ever going to be like you. you are simply unique, that is the glory existence gives to you

 

[hellworldprincess]

Give me address and common locations, build and any other information and I can make it happen. No balls I'm calling your bluff bitch.

Your attempt at seeming cool or masculine failed miserably.
This is no place for people like you. Get outta here with your 1488 bullshit and return to 8chan you degenerate nazi fuck.
Get reported, BITCH

 

[holdont1llmay]

Give me address and common locations, build and any other information and I can make it happen. No balls I'm calling your bluff bitch.

Never thought I'd say someone on here needs to end their life but you're the one person sick fuck - loser ass nazi too go get laid

 

[hellworldprincess]

Three sessions in so not at all coming from a grounded or informed or logical place, I just feel guilty, I don't know if any one person is worth all of this effort and I'm not curing cancer or anything, I am worthless in the long run, why drag all these people in my life down by making them worry about me and have to navigate my shitty emotions when I could literally just be dead instead... I get so guilty when people don't hate me. I know I don't suffer more than anyone else, I don't suffer enough frankly to warrant any of my feelings or behaviors, I need to be destroyed, I can't keep burdening people like I have been...

I feel bad my best friend worries about me cuz now I guaranteed can't disappear and never be heard from again or else he'll be sad but if he doesn't know it was a suicide... He might assume so anyway cuz I constantly talk about wanting to kill myself lmao
but also he talks about maybe being a benign sociopath and having limited emotions and no emotional empathy (not to imply anything bad about him, he has plenty of cognitive empathy and is super nice) so he'd get over it quicker than most people, right? I can't ask him that cuz it would probs upset him and he deserves better than that but he'd move on! And he's the person who arguably cares about me the most so it'd be fine... That feels selfish, I don't want to take me from him I guess, I just know he's better off without me, as is everyone, I'm nowhere near good or even decent enough to be worth this effort.

I know I'm a bad friend. I know I'm obnoxious and piss people off when I speak even if they don't say it, and I know that reflects badly on me because I'm being obnoxious. I know I deserve to suffer and be hated, I feel guilty I've duped certain people into believing otherwise. I am a parasite. I need to be destroyed. The only people who "care" only do so because 1. they are nice caring people in general 2. they want fuck me or 3. they get paid to "care", it is impossible to just care about me because I don't let anyone because I know it's impossible because I'm impossible because I can't stop playing victim and being stubborn and annoying, I need to die, I need to get murdered, as an expression of how horrible and annoying I am, I NEED TO, I MUST DIE AND IT MUST HURT, I NEED TO HURT, NEED IT NEED IT NEED IT

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.
I relate to a lot of what you wrote and I think you're being way too hard on yourself.
I switched therapists about half a year ago, after I turned 21. Ever since I question my prospect of being successful in therapy again. Whether I'm taking the place of someone more damaged or simply more deserving.
The truth is that many people have this exact feeling about therapy and there's still people willing to help you work it out.

Suicide isn't going anywhere. You can keep your self determination while trying to get better.

Anyway, I don't actually know your situation. If you need to talk, I'm here.
If it helps, I identify as a non-binary trans femme, so judging by your pronouns, I might be able to understand some of what you're going through better than the average person.

I simply don't want you to become part of a statistic.