Help Therapist told me I had an absolute right to CTB back in 2022 and asked me to think of the reasons I went into recovery after so many attempts

[przeciwwymiotne]

She said that being physically disabled + exhausted from anorexia + abandoned + sexually and physically abused + irrational and in a psychosis I had an absolute right to do it. Seemed like nothing is ever going to get better. Tha adults in my life had greatly failed.

And so why did I stop after 3mo straight of failed suicide attempts? Why did I fail in the first place? Idk and this thought makes me afraid, suicidal and hopeless.

Making this threat to help myself figure it out

1. I was afraid of dying from the start.
Intrusive thoughts told me I had to do it because I'm a failure, my body is ruined, life ruined. There's no reason to be alive, I'm a bad person and it'd be narcissistic NOT to ctb.

2. I desperately wanted to be saved.
It was rough cuz no human on earth has the power to reverse a disability or heal someone with the snap of their fingers. Not only did I want someone to care and stop me mid ctb I also wanted them to take care of me forever and heal my body.

3. I've had flashbacks to my peaceful childhood and wanted the memories to keep existing.
Although I knew it's not going to get better, I will never feel physical or mental relief again I couldn't cope with the fact that my old self is going to disappear as well. And I can't relive those memories either, it was terrifying.

4. Couldn't stop binge eating and was sad that won't be able to binge when dead.
I also felt a lot if shame about the binging. Biggest anorectic fail.
5. Met a person on SaSu who has encouraged me to recover.
He told me to push through the pain. Helped to come up with a plan. Was positive, patient, listened to me, devoted a lot of his time to me. I'm so grateful.

 

[lost_ange2211]

That's one understanding therapist! I'm glad you get such a good support from them.

It's good to know or figure out the reasons why you are still around. It helps when bad thoughts re-appear too.

Much success for your recovery

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

6. Ambition.
This person represented hope to me, made me realise that it's not all lost. I can still excel in the fields I want to. I'm young and so many things are going to change.

7. He helped me with social stuff.
He explained how to be good at convo, how to make people like you. That 80% of success is just showing up.

8. Hope.
I'm good at gaslighting myself so it was relatively easy to keep telling myself that I'm going to recover from everything, even if the current medical system is failing me. It's going to get better.

9. Movement. Rain. Night. One Minecraft streamer.
Movement gave a temporary rush, so did rain or being outside at night. One day I started watching a streamer I once watched, although I couldn't focus at all and was forgetting where I was, just the sound of his voice soothed me.

She said that being physically disabled + exhausted from anorexia + abandoned + sexually and physically abused + irrational and in a psychosis I had an absolute right to do it. Seemed like nothing is ever going to get better. Tha adults in my life had greatly failed.

And so why did I stop after 3mo straight of failed suicide attempts? Why did I fail in the first place? Idk and this thought makes me afraid, suicidal and hopeless.

Making this threat to help myself figure it out

1. I was afraid of dying from the start.
Intrusive thoughts told me I had to do it because I'm a failure, my body is ruined, life ruined. There's no reason to be alive, I'm a bad person and it'd be narcissistic NOT to ctb.

2. I desperately wanted to be saved.
It was rough cuz no human on earth has the power to reverse a disability or heal someone with the snap of their fingers. Not only did I want someone to care and stop me mid ctb I also wanted them to take care of me forever and heal my body.

3. I've had flashbacks to my peaceful childhood and wanted the memories to keep existing.
Although I knew it's not going to get better, I will never feel physical or mental relief again I couldn't cope with the fact that my old self is going to disappear as well. And I can't relive those memories either, it was terrifying.

4. Couldn't stop binge eating and was sad that won't be able to binge when dead.
I also felt a lot if shame about the binging. Biggest anorectic fail.
5. Met a person on SaSu who has encouraged me to recover.
He told me to push through the pain. Helped to come up with a plan. Was positive, patient, listened to me, devoted a lot of his time to me. I'm so grateful.

6. Ambition.
This person represented hope to me, made me realise that it's not all lost. I can still excel in the fields I want to. I'm young and so many things are going to change.

7. He helped me with social stuff.
He explained how to be good at convo, how to make people like you. That 80% of success is just showing up.

8. Hope.
I'm good at gaslighting myself so it was relatively easy to keep telling myself that I'm going to recover from everything, even if the current medical system is failing me. It's going to get better.

9. Movement. Rain. Night. One Minecraft streamer.
Movement gave a temporary rush, so did rain or being outside at night. One day I started watching a streamer I once watched, although I couldn't focus at all and was forgetting where I was, just the sound of his voice soothed me.

Okay. I think it was being cared for and the prospect of my ambitions coming to fruition. And comforting stuff from childhood.

That's one understanding therapist! I'm glad you get such a good support from them.

It's good to know or figure out the reasons why you are still around. It helps when bad thoughts re-appear too.

Much success for your recovery

Yeah, she's awesome, I'm so happy I've found her. It was a long journey

 

[dinosavr]

I'm really sorry you had to go through this pain. It's absolutely unfair and heartbreaking :(
Dying is a very lonely experience and being alone is biologically against human nature. Also, not just dying itself, but other people's reactions and words after you go is something that you wouldn't have a chance to see. And after all that's why we do things - to impact others. Maybe that's one of the reasons too. For me it sure is.
I hope you feel better already and that everything is going to work out well for you Please be proud of yourself! Trzymam mocno kciuki za dalszą drogę!