The first two paragraphs are just a little of background, skip to the third to get straight to the point.
Over the past few months, I have become very suicidal for the first time in a couple of years due to the worsening of a chronic illness that will likely cause me to lose my sight one day. It hadn't gotten noticeably worse in a long time, so this came as a big blow to me. At the same time, I realized that I love life, but losing my sight is too much, because it takes away a lot of the wonderful things I love and makes life much more difficult overall.
Luckily, I gradually moved from preparing and wanting to CTB without waiting for the doctors' conclusion on my case, to "guess I'll live a little longer, until my vision gets really bad or smth" and bargaining with death even in the case of total vision loss.
Today I visited my psychotherapist again, and I mentioned that this year I will probably apply to university to clinical psychology rather than general medicine, because though I am slightly more interested in studying general medicine, working/graduating from university as a psychologist/therapist without sight is more realistic than as a doctor. He replied that I would not be able to work as a therapist without sight, just as it is impossible to work as a surgeon without sight. As an example, he said that in his practice he sometimes relies on the client's posture/facial expression/etc.
I didn't have much time to argue with him, as the session was coming to an end, but his words had a strong emotional impact on me, bringing back a feeling of hopelessness, even though logically I disagreed with them. I returned home feeling like shit, got drunk, and the desire to end my life without waiting for my vision to be lost returned.
I understand why he might have said certain things; he probably sees this situation as if I am once again choosing things that seem more practical in the long run, rather than those that I like more, but I don't understand how he could have failed to see that this was a shitty choice of words. Like, for the last several sessions, I've been telling you that I want to kill myself if I lose my sight because I won't be able to do many of things I love anymore, but now I'm feeling a little better, looking for compromises, and you decide to tell me that, actually, you don't think I'll be able to get a job I'm interested in if I go blind?
What the fuck is wrong with you, man??
Over the past few months, I have become very suicidal for the first time in a couple of years due to the worsening of a chronic illness that will likely cause me to lose my sight one day. It hadn't gotten noticeably worse in a long time, so this came as a big blow to me. At the same time, I realized that I love life, but losing my sight is too much, because it takes away a lot of the wonderful things I love and makes life much more difficult overall.
Luckily, I gradually moved from preparing and wanting to CTB without waiting for the doctors' conclusion on my case, to "guess I'll live a little longer, until my vision gets really bad or smth" and bargaining with death even in the case of total vision loss.
Today I visited my psychotherapist again, and I mentioned that this year I will probably apply to university to clinical psychology rather than general medicine, because though I am slightly more interested in studying general medicine, working/graduating from university as a psychologist/therapist without sight is more realistic than as a doctor. He replied that I would not be able to work as a therapist without sight, just as it is impossible to work as a surgeon without sight. As an example, he said that in his practice he sometimes relies on the client's posture/facial expression/etc.
I didn't have much time to argue with him, as the session was coming to an end, but his words had a strong emotional impact on me, bringing back a feeling of hopelessness, even though logically I disagreed with them. I returned home feeling like shit, got drunk, and the desire to end my life without waiting for my vision to be lost returned.
I understand why he might have said certain things; he probably sees this situation as if I am once again choosing things that seem more practical in the long run, rather than those that I like more, but I don't understand how he could have failed to see that this was a shitty choice of words. Like, for the last several sessions, I've been telling you that I want to kill myself if I lose my sight because I won't be able to do many of things I love anymore, but now I'm feeling a little better, looking for compromises, and you decide to tell me that, actually, you don't think I'll be able to get a job I'm interested in if I go blind?
What the fuck is wrong with you, man??
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