Them..

[InsidiousDormouse]

I am not mentioning any names obviously but I thought I'd make another post from the other side of the fence.

I am now pretty much living with my mum, I told her and a couple of close friends about my plans to CTB. I said it's not something that will ever be off the cards entirely for me, but it's been 'postponed' while I try to see what else this life has to offer me.

Plan is to get everything sorted with my divorce and house sale etc, then we're going to strike out to get me into a rented place of my own, just me and my dog, the dog who helped save my life.

Lots of rented places accept dogs, so please never give yours up. It will be harder to find one yes but if your dog helps your mental health or disability like mine does, then you must negotiate any terms when renting a place. I understand landlord's fears, I also don't work and that seems to be a way bigger issue than the dog, that I live on disability benefits, but again it is doable. If you feel you cannot fight your own corner for whatever reason, why not share this battle with someone else?.

Moving out of a place of great misery is very hard, very stressful and very daunting, but as I am also a benzo withdrawal survivor, the sting was taken out of it for me because I have something far far FAR worse to use as a point of comparison.

The reason I went through all this in the first place will never realise what they have done, or how awful they made my life. Right now they are sitting pretty racking up huge debts and bills, and probably also suffering from a mental health issue themselves.

I am done trying to help this person, I cannot help someone who won't be helped.

They refuse to go to the job center and discuss making a claim to benefits, they would get given an emergency payment to last out till their first benefit payment, then the benefits system, as bad as it can be for some of us, would hopefully help them back into paid work, which is what they need.

I was going to buy some Fentanyl, go to my chosen spot, and OD on it, nobody would have found me for hours at least. I had the last few bits of this plan to finalise when this person just snapped, and launched into a tirade of disturbed and very unreasonable behavior.

What they didn't know is that by trying to dig their own grave and mine too, they actually dug a tunnel, and I used that tunnel to get the hell out of dodge!.

Here I am now, not dead yet, letting you guys know that although my life is still really uncertain, and still really tiring and hard most of the time, my head is still above the water, my benzo withdrawal survivor's stoic outlook has helped pull me past all this, my ability to take stock of a situation and realise that although I may not be able to control it or do anything about it, I can change how I react to it, has really really been a godsend.

If there was ever a time to call on that side of me, this is it. I still have a divorce to go through, I am seeing the solicitor today, I still have some mountainous tasks ahead, such as finding a new place to start my life off again, and getting some of the stuff I need done, done, like seeing the dentist and getting my teeth fixed into a new smile, kitting my new place out with some stuff (I hate furniture lol, so that's gonna be a task and a bit), and traveling up to Edinburgh to see my best friend in the entire world.

I will be back here from time to time as I much value your support x

 

[21Neberg]

I am not mentioning any names obviously but I thought I'd make another post from the other side of the fence.

I am now pretty much living with my mum, I told her and a couple of close friends about my plans to CTB. I said it's not something that will ever be off the cards entirely for me, but it's been 'postponed' while I try to see what else this life has to offer me.

Plan is to get everything sorted with my divorce and house sale etc, then we're going to strike out to get me into a rented place of my own, just me and my dog, the dog who helped save my life.

Lots of rented places accept dogs, so please never give yours up. It will be harder to find one yes but if your dog helps your mental health or disability like mine does, then you must negotiate any terms when renting a place. I understand landlord's fears, I also don't work and that seems to be a way bigger issue than the dog, that I live on disability benefits, but again it is doable. If you feel you cannot fight your own corner for whatever reason, why not share this battle with someone else?.

Moving out of a place of great misery is very hard, very stressful and very daunting, but as I am also a benzo withdrawal survivor, the sting was taken out of it for me because I have something far far FAR worse to use as a point of comparison.

The reason I went through all this in the first place will never realise what they have done, or how awful they made my life. Right now they are sitting pretty racking up huge debts and bills, and probably also suffering from a mental health issue themselves.

I am done trying to help this person, I cannot help someone who won't be helped.

They refuse to go to the job center and discuss making a claim to benefits, they would get given an emergency payment to last out till their first benefit payment, then the benefits system, as bad as it can be for some of us, would hopefully help them back into paid work, which is what they need.

I was going to buy some Fentanyl, go to my chosen spot, and OD on it, nobody would have found me for hours at least. I had the last few bits of this plan to finalise when this person just snapped, and launched into a tirade of disturbed and very unreasonable behavior.

What they didn't know is that by trying to dig their own grave and mine too, they actually dug a tunnel, and I used that tunnel to get the hell out of dodge!.

Here I am now, not dead yet, letting you guys know that although my life is still really uncertain, and still really tiring and hard most of the time, my head is still above the water, my benzo withdrawal survivor's stoic outlook has helped pull me past all this, my ability to take stock of a situation and realise that although I may not be able to control it or do anything about it, I can change how I react to it, has really really been a godsend.

If there was ever a time to call on that side of me, this is it. I still have a divorce to go through, I am seeing the solicitor today, I still have some mountainous tasks ahead, such as finding a new place to start my life off again, and getting some of the stuff I need done, done, like seeing the dentist and getting my teeth fixed into a new smile, kitting my new place out with some stuff (I hate furniture lol, so that's gonna be a task and a bit), and traveling up to Edinburgh to see my best friend in the entire world.

I will be back here from time to time as I much value your support x

Good to hear you're doing better. I hope everything works out with your apartment and the furniture.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi, we haven't interacted before but reading between the lines I gather you have managed to get out of an abusive relationship? And are starting to, hopefully, put yourself back together again.

You are absolutely right - you cannot help people who do not want to be helped and you need to now focus on you and your dog and begin to rebuild your life. You have done an amazing job to get this far and be moving into your own place is fantastic. I hope you go from strength to strength and I wish you all the best for the future.

 

[TiredHorse]

What they didn't know is that by trying to dig their own grave and mine too, they actually dug a tunnel, and I used that tunnel to get the hell out of dodge!.

This is so amazingly brilliant.

I am thrilled beyond words that you've found a tunnel out --or fell into it unexpectedly and then followed your nose-- and that it seems to be breaking out into clear air. As you say, there's a lot of hard road yet to walk, but it sounds like you've got the "bottom" for it, as we say of horses who go that impossible next mile.

Thank you for continuing to post your experience. It removes some of the fear of the unknown for someone who might be asking, "yes, but what would happen next, if I don't CTB, and can I endure that?"

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

I am doing ok yes, we will find me somewhere to live and my future will hopefully begin.

He is part of my checkered past now x

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I am glad that you are improving your life and finding a way toward peace and contentment. Yes, benzo withdrawal is horrible, and especially because it is just such brutal, unrecognized long-term suffering that most people question the very existence of. Very little validation of the suffering among those not in the know and being constantly questioned about the severity of this suffering by those in the know that it becomes depressing and exhausting.

But it is wonderful that you are finding ways to solve things. It'd be a travesty to OD on Fentanyl after surviving from you'd surivied, but there are plenty of people who can't make it through one more day of this suffering and I don't blame them one bit.

Good luck to you!