rifle
never seen a hero like me in a sci-fi
- Jan 15, 2023
- 25
I'm a bit drunk and it's still a new experience for me, so this might (or might not) be a bit weird
the last couple days I've begun to feel hopeful again. like I had a revelation about myself and what I need to do. it's probably also somewhat connected to a meeting with a new psychiatrist my mom scheduled.
I hate it so much. I've had this inspirational motivational bursts of hope for years now, and for years now I've been looking back and thinking "I should have done it then. it got as bad as I thought it would". I think this time I genuinely cracked the core of all my problems and that i vaguely know what I need to do. the thing is, I have these discoveries about myself every other season, only to later understand that I was not wrong exactly, but that I just barely scratched the surface of the fuckjoke that is my psyche.
and I'm just so tired. I want to change, but I think I'm still in some kind of denial about myself and my situation, cuz otherwise I sure would've had a psychotic breakdown long time ago. and I've tried to change so hard already only to realize later that I was trying to change all the wrong things.
it's just. the only thing i learned with experience is that I can't trust myself, not my desicions nor my actions, my deductions, my opinions. everyone who thought those cruel things about me saw right through me. everyone who assumes the worst of me is right. the only thing I learned with experience is that my urge to kms and my apprehension towards future are not unfounded, they're telling the truth. so how can I trust this hope that I have right now? I can't. but I also can't stop feeling it.
I'm not like many of you here. in some ways, I genuinely like existing. and it's a bad thing, because it means that I don't enjoy it purely because of my own fault. rationally I know that this yearning for life is evolutionary defence mechanism, something wrongly right within my brain chemistry. but knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling it. why must consciousness be this cruel? torturing me and also preventing me from stopping ithe suffering when it is within my power.
ps. also lol if any of you have experience with alcohol please tell me that it's a horrible coping mechanism. because it just feels so good, every emotion so bright and clear. I was even able to cry, imagine that!! but the last thing I need is to make my situation worse with another addiction that destroys my body and mind. I can google it ofc, but I'm just so tired of ppl who don't understand and don't really care lecturing you from their high horse to make themselves feel better.
the last couple days I've begun to feel hopeful again. like I had a revelation about myself and what I need to do. it's probably also somewhat connected to a meeting with a new psychiatrist my mom scheduled.
I hate it so much. I've had this inspirational motivational bursts of hope for years now, and for years now I've been looking back and thinking "I should have done it then. it got as bad as I thought it would". I think this time I genuinely cracked the core of all my problems and that i vaguely know what I need to do. the thing is, I have these discoveries about myself every other season, only to later understand that I was not wrong exactly, but that I just barely scratched the surface of the fuckjoke that is my psyche.
and I'm just so tired. I want to change, but I think I'm still in some kind of denial about myself and my situation, cuz otherwise I sure would've had a psychotic breakdown long time ago. and I've tried to change so hard already only to realize later that I was trying to change all the wrong things.
it's just. the only thing i learned with experience is that I can't trust myself, not my desicions nor my actions, my deductions, my opinions. everyone who thought those cruel things about me saw right through me. everyone who assumes the worst of me is right. the only thing I learned with experience is that my urge to kms and my apprehension towards future are not unfounded, they're telling the truth. so how can I trust this hope that I have right now? I can't. but I also can't stop feeling it.
I'm not like many of you here. in some ways, I genuinely like existing. and it's a bad thing, because it means that I don't enjoy it purely because of my own fault. rationally I know that this yearning for life is evolutionary defence mechanism, something wrongly right within my brain chemistry. but knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling it. why must consciousness be this cruel? torturing me and also preventing me from stopping ithe suffering when it is within my power.
ps. also lol if any of you have experience with alcohol please tell me that it's a horrible coping mechanism. because it just feels so good, every emotion so bright and clear. I was even able to cry, imagine that!! but the last thing I need is to make my situation worse with another addiction that destroys my body and mind. I can google it ofc, but I'm just so tired of ppl who don't understand and don't really care lecturing you from their high horse to make themselves feel better.
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