Venting The worst part of being suicidal is that I won't kill myself

[Aleandra Felix]

I think the greatest relief in life is knowing you can quit at any moment, specially if things get rough. Back in the days, this mindset helped me to keep going. I mean, so what if I was going through some shit? It could get better, but if it got worse I could just hang myself and it's all good, I'm gone, I'm in peace. As I said, it was very helpful and reliving until I noticed that I just couldn't bring myself to CTB every time I reached the rock bottom. I'm probably not gonna kill myself. I'm just a fucking pussy, that's all. Totally incompetent. I can't let go. My fear of failing is too damn high and my survival instinct always kick in. It sucks to realize you've been lying to yourself and you're gonna be stuck in this hellhole for years. It's horrible to be dependent on others, even to die. I just wish I was robbed and shot someday.

 

[Good4Nothing]

*sigh* This is me, too.

 

[Harleyyy]

*sigh* This is me, too.

I relate to this.
I hate when people say that it will get better and shit. You dont know me. You are not in my place.

 

[niloc]

My issue is i'm right there where i need to be with this and I just can't seem to do it. I've resorted to placing a loaded gun against my head most nights just to get a feeling of something. My hope is one of these nights I just decide to finally pull.

I'm planning on it being outside, so it's just got to stop raining for a bit..

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Knowing that I can get out of this world is what gives me relief.

 

[Ky204]

I'm not against dying, just scared of how I'll do it. If I had a gun I'd be gone, but unfortunately I'm stuck in this limbo of what to do with myself.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I think the greatest relief in life is knowing you can quit at any moment, specially if things get rough. Back in the days, this mindset helped me to keep going. I mean, so what if I was going through some shit? It could get better, but if it got worse I could just hang myself and it's all good, I'm gone, I'm in peace. As I said, it was very helpful and reliving until I noticed that I just couldn't bring myself to CTB every time I reached the rock bottom. I'm probably not gonna kill myself. I'm just a fucking pussy, that's all. Totally incompetent. I can't let go. My fear of failing is too damn high and my survival instinct always kick in. It sucks to realize you've been lying to yourself and you're gonna be stuck in this hellhole for years. It's horrible to be dependent on others, even to die. I just wish I was robbed and shot someday.

WHY IS THIS ME, RELATABLEEE. But I know I'm gonna get so tired I'm not gonna care anymore and CTB, right now I'm just trying to find the right date to do it. But don't worry brother/sister, you're not alone in this, me t o o

 

[nerve]

I think I get it. It's so disappointing that I'm still here and still consciously electing to suffer and age and deteriorate.

Looking back at other people's experiences and stories, settling in this stage of ambivalence seems to be a normal part of the process, but the amount of time someone stays in it isn't fixed. Like I just want this fight to be over. I wish there was a way to speed things along.

Sometimes I feel like I might not "belong" here because I know I'm not ready to ctb and probably won't be for years, so it's always a relief to see other people in the same boat, even if it's a really shitty boat

 

[mathieu]

I'm very scared that I won't be able to go through with it. It's probably my greatest fear now. Then I will be trapped here in hell.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I relate to this so much. I want to go but I keep thinking about how lonely and terrifying my last moments of consciousness would be. Logically, CTB makes sense for me, and a few minutes of discomfort is obviously preferable to decades of pain, but my fear clouds my judgment. I often wonder if having a partner to do it with would help, but I know that's a long shot.

It's so frustrating to be trapped in this state of being too afraid to live but too afraid to die.

 

[IwishIwasAttractive]

i want to live but not with this face and confidence level.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I think the greatest relief in life is knowing you can quit at any moment, specially if things get rough.

This is exactly what I thought since my teenage years I even mentioned it yesterday on this site. It gave me comfort to know "If things get too bad I can always just kill myself" like it was so easy to do but as I´ve learned it is far from easy at least as an adult.

As a teenager I actually think it could have been way more easy if I would attempt a suicide because of the sadness of depression and teenage hormones fueling me to do it it was an amazing drive, now completely apathetic towards emotion there is no drive because I don´t feel anything not happy, sad or even excited.

And I agree that I wish someone would just walk up and shoot me and then rob me preferable from behind, imagine the people who are so lucky to just be shot in the back of the head and robbed they won´t feel any pain and not even feel scared because they won´t see the danger coming it´s just instant death yet this only seems to happen to people who want to live while the suicidal people have to keep suffering what a shit balance in the universe or simulation.

 

[Traveler]

Knowing that I can get out of this world is what gives me relief.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
—Friedrich Nietzsche

Very relatable.

 

[Emily123]

This is why it is necessary that N become legal in all countries . If I had access to it , i would be in more peace with my life because it would be my choise to push the peacful exit key anytime that I went. it may sound stupid , I would be more motivated to live if I had that exit button in my hand

 

[rhiino]

@Emily123
It does not sound stupid at all. The pro-life society tries to force everybody to live by trying to take away methods to ctb. I feel like somebody else is forcing me to live although I want to quit. I don't have control over my own life. With something like N easily available I would know that, for the moment, I live because I chose so, not somebody else. Part of me is even wanting to quit because society wants me to live.
It is crazy that every animal that suffers is peacefully killed because it is humane to do so, but any human that suffers, no matter how much, is expected to live and suffer. When somebody is mentally ill it is even denied that he is able to make a »rational« choice about suicide, completely ignoring that it is an emotional decision most of the time, because somebody suffers and no one except the person can feel that pain and judge about the decision.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Yeah, that was a huge eye opener for me. I really believed I would kill myself before 20, then 25, then 30. I tried so many times, when I was in deep shit I didn't have access to much at all, except the internet and a private spot, so I tried hanging, I had a noose hanging from my shower for months, it was just always there, so I could keep trying, I lost count how many times I tried and always failed, never even achieved unconsciousness. My mom saw the noose, and my sister did too, I would try to hide it, it was an ensuite bathroom... no one really said anything or cared, sucks that it didn't work, I envy people who get that type of method right. I've been wishing to die since I was very young, can't remember the exact moment. My first attempt was at 14, and after that I knew I would try again soon, I was so done with life that I didn't bother finishing or accomplishing anything, or planning anything at all. Nothing. Dropped out of 10th grade, barely had a job, never got my drivers license, didn't do shit all. I tried though, but something always came up and squashed my plans. I would get severely depressed over something and quit everything. Before my noose life and my last overdose on opiates (which didn't work either), I really came to the realization that I don't think I can actually do this. I have been abusing my body since I was 14, doing all kinds of things to it, doing enormous amounts of drugs and alcohol, smoking, sex, unprotected sex, risky things and trying new things, being a guinea pig with drugs, and still nothing. I'm still a bit healthy but I have severe chronic illnesses that ruin my quality of life - it's a side effect from all the drugs and smoking. I never got any incurable STDS or HIV, surprisingly, I guess it's not because I never used needles. I didn't go as far as becoming a street crackwhore with holes in my arms. But I did become a whore because of heroin addiction, heroin addiction is a whole other ballgame, I would never wish it on anyone, and if you haven't gone through opiate withdrawal, you haven't experienced hell like this, I'm so thankful I don't get withdrawals anymore. Still haven't gotten cancer yet, I'm hoping for that one! I'm smoking daily and smoking all parts of the cigarette, I have smoker's cough and terrible skin. Hoping I get diabetes too so I can let my blood sugar kill me from a seizure.

 

[Painless_end]

I think the greatest relief in life is knowing you can quit at any moment, specially if things get rough. Back in the days, this mindset helped me to keep going. I mean, so what if I was going through some shit? It could get better, but if it got worse I could just hang myself and it's all good, I'm gone, I'm in peace. As I said, it was very helpful and reliving until I noticed that I just couldn't bring myself to CTB every time I reached the rock bottom. I'm probably not gonna kill myself. I'm just a fucking pussy, that's all. Totally incompetent. I can't let go. My fear of failing is too damn high and my survival instinct always kick in. It sucks to realize you've been lying to yourself and you're gonna be stuck in this hellhole for years. It's horrible to be dependent on others, even to die. I just wish I was robbed and shot someday.

This is my situation exactly.