First of all, I know I'm not telling anyone here anything they don't already know. I've just returned to the site after a few months off, and I just needed to vent about general stuff. Also, I apologize in advance, my ADHD brain tends to jump around randomly, and I'm planning on just letting it go wild. So without further ado...
Lets start things off with horrible doctors. My when I first went to my psychiatrist, she was great. I feel like she genuinely tried to help me, the only problem is that as soon as she got the chance, she handed me off to one of her NPs (by just switching who I was meeting with at the last minute) who was not so great. I have a history of some mild psychosis. Let me repeat, MILD. Basically, I sometimes have a really bad earworm, which when paired with my depression and anger management issues, results in me basing my head against a wall. Now, if you know what an earworm is, then you already have a better track record then that nurse. She tried to redirect me to my primary. After I explained, however, she reacted far too strongly. I was taking an antipsychotic that was meant to supplement my antidepressant, and was on the lowest dose possible. She told me she was going to raise my dose, to help with my earworms, but what she didn't tell me was that she took me from the lowest dose, all the way to the highest that is used to treat people with schizophrenia. That fucked me up for a little while, I even ended up completely going off my meds to try and feel better after what she did. I had no idea until I insisted multiple times that I needed to meet with the actual doctor what she had done. That's when I started to see the problems with the whole profession.
Somewhat on the topic of doctors, does anyone else remember the question sheets you would get at the pediatricians office? The ones that would ask about mental health? So this rant is against my parents, specifically my mother. I started having thoughts of SH and sometimes even ctb before I had even hit 10 years old. But when I wanted to fill out those forms honestly (I hated lying when I was younger, and who knows, maybe deep down I wanted help) she all but mocked me, saying how those questions were only for if you wanted to have a bad conversation with the doctor, and I should just say I was fine to all the questions. And then years later, when she suggested I go to therapy, she was surprised when I didn't want to because it would be like saying something was wrong with me. She tried putting me into therapy forcefully once, but I just resisted until she gave up, because I didn't want to have a "bad" conversation with the doctor.
When I did finally go to therapy (of my own free will), my therapist had an aversion to my SH. That is to be expected. What isn't to be expected is that she made me promise I would never SH again, and when I did relapse, she acted like I was the worst person in the world because I should've kept my promise. And she wonders why I have trouble confiding in her sometimes. I'm actually back in that same situation rn, I've started SH-ing again, and I'm dreading that conversation with her. A part of me thinks that maybe I should get another therapist, but I do like talking to her, just not about anything too serious. Kind of defeats the whole purpose though.
The final rant is targeting myself. I won't ctb, because I'm too much of a coward, but I know I should. Despite me best intensions, I have made mess after mess out of the lives of those around me. Even though none of these messes have been irreparable, I'm getting worse. I'm the guy who takes the joke too far. I'm the guy who finds just the thing you don't want others to see, and will point it out without thinking. I have physically, and emotionally hurt people all throughout my life, and despite the fact that all I want to do is cheer people up, I know that I'm the problem. I know that I'm what's wrong with my little part of the world, but as I said earlier, I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. I've come close in the past, but I've never been able to take that last step. That might just be the biggest reason I hate myself. I am being selfish, keeping those around me trapped in my web. Realistically, I don't see myself ctb-ing any time soon. If I ever do have the resolve to, however, I will finally be doing something truly selfless, and I will definitely be posting my goodbye and apology here. Until then, I'm sorry to anyone who has had the displeasure of knowing me.
And let me just get this out of the way: I don't want pity, I'm not looking for help. I just needed to get all my thoughts in one place and where else could I post this? And even if I could, there's no where as non judgmental as SS.
Lets start things off with horrible doctors. My when I first went to my psychiatrist, she was great. I feel like she genuinely tried to help me, the only problem is that as soon as she got the chance, she handed me off to one of her NPs (by just switching who I was meeting with at the last minute) who was not so great. I have a history of some mild psychosis. Let me repeat, MILD. Basically, I sometimes have a really bad earworm, which when paired with my depression and anger management issues, results in me basing my head against a wall. Now, if you know what an earworm is, then you already have a better track record then that nurse. She tried to redirect me to my primary. After I explained, however, she reacted far too strongly. I was taking an antipsychotic that was meant to supplement my antidepressant, and was on the lowest dose possible. She told me she was going to raise my dose, to help with my earworms, but what she didn't tell me was that she took me from the lowest dose, all the way to the highest that is used to treat people with schizophrenia. That fucked me up for a little while, I even ended up completely going off my meds to try and feel better after what she did. I had no idea until I insisted multiple times that I needed to meet with the actual doctor what she had done. That's when I started to see the problems with the whole profession.
Somewhat on the topic of doctors, does anyone else remember the question sheets you would get at the pediatricians office? The ones that would ask about mental health? So this rant is against my parents, specifically my mother. I started having thoughts of SH and sometimes even ctb before I had even hit 10 years old. But when I wanted to fill out those forms honestly (I hated lying when I was younger, and who knows, maybe deep down I wanted help) she all but mocked me, saying how those questions were only for if you wanted to have a bad conversation with the doctor, and I should just say I was fine to all the questions. And then years later, when she suggested I go to therapy, she was surprised when I didn't want to because it would be like saying something was wrong with me. She tried putting me into therapy forcefully once, but I just resisted until she gave up, because I didn't want to have a "bad" conversation with the doctor.
When I did finally go to therapy (of my own free will), my therapist had an aversion to my SH. That is to be expected. What isn't to be expected is that she made me promise I would never SH again, and when I did relapse, she acted like I was the worst person in the world because I should've kept my promise. And she wonders why I have trouble confiding in her sometimes. I'm actually back in that same situation rn, I've started SH-ing again, and I'm dreading that conversation with her. A part of me thinks that maybe I should get another therapist, but I do like talking to her, just not about anything too serious. Kind of defeats the whole purpose though.
The final rant is targeting myself. I won't ctb, because I'm too much of a coward, but I know I should. Despite me best intensions, I have made mess after mess out of the lives of those around me. Even though none of these messes have been irreparable, I'm getting worse. I'm the guy who takes the joke too far. I'm the guy who finds just the thing you don't want others to see, and will point it out without thinking. I have physically, and emotionally hurt people all throughout my life, and despite the fact that all I want to do is cheer people up, I know that I'm the problem. I know that I'm what's wrong with my little part of the world, but as I said earlier, I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. I've come close in the past, but I've never been able to take that last step. That might just be the biggest reason I hate myself. I am being selfish, keeping those around me trapped in my web. Realistically, I don't see myself ctb-ing any time soon. If I ever do have the resolve to, however, I will finally be doing something truly selfless, and I will definitely be posting my goodbye and apology here. Until then, I'm sorry to anyone who has had the displeasure of knowing me.
And let me just get this out of the way: I don't want pity, I'm not looking for help. I just needed to get all my thoughts in one place and where else could I post this? And even if I could, there's no where as non judgmental as SS.
