Z
zzzameron
Member
- Feb 17, 2019
- 13
I go to therapy once a week. I work out several times a week. I take antidepressants. I read self-help books. I walk outside every day. I have a job. I have friends to talk to. I have a loving, supportive family. None of it helps.
I have no drive to improve myself or seek fulfillment, except as a means to an end, to satisfy other people, to "seem" like I'm "getting better". I used to be excited about life, when my girlfriend and I were going to move in together. She broke up with me 4 months ago. We're still friends, sort of. And we may still get back together, after some time healing individually, but even that possibility is not enough to make me care about life. And I can't keep putting that pressure on her to be my will to live—that would only drive her further away.
I'm trying to care for myself, be my own best friend, etc etc, but I find that my self-compassion usually just enables my depression and suicidal thoughts. (Example: if I'm tired, which I always am, my 'best friend' (me) advises me to take a nap. These 'naps' always consist of hours of suicidal rumination rather than sleep.) My therapist has advised me to seek fulfillment over happiness, get back into my creative interests, try volunteering… I'm trying, but it's hard to make a consistent effort to improve my life when I'd rather be dead.
For anyone who has found the will to make an effort in life… how did you do it? How do you talk to yourself? What does "self love" mean to you, and how did you achieve it?
I'm at a loss here. I'm so tired and I want to give up. The only reason I haven't yet is because I don't want to traumatize the people I care about. Frighteningly, even that concern is slowly fading compared to the enormity of my desire to stop existing.
I have no drive to improve myself or seek fulfillment, except as a means to an end, to satisfy other people, to "seem" like I'm "getting better". I used to be excited about life, when my girlfriend and I were going to move in together. She broke up with me 4 months ago. We're still friends, sort of. And we may still get back together, after some time healing individually, but even that possibility is not enough to make me care about life. And I can't keep putting that pressure on her to be my will to live—that would only drive her further away.
I'm trying to care for myself, be my own best friend, etc etc, but I find that my self-compassion usually just enables my depression and suicidal thoughts. (Example: if I'm tired, which I always am, my 'best friend' (me) advises me to take a nap. These 'naps' always consist of hours of suicidal rumination rather than sleep.) My therapist has advised me to seek fulfillment over happiness, get back into my creative interests, try volunteering… I'm trying, but it's hard to make a consistent effort to improve my life when I'd rather be dead.
For anyone who has found the will to make an effort in life… how did you do it? How do you talk to yourself? What does "self love" mean to you, and how did you achieve it?
I'm at a loss here. I'm so tired and I want to give up. The only reason I haven't yet is because I don't want to traumatize the people I care about. Frighteningly, even that concern is slowly fading compared to the enormity of my desire to stop existing.