the wall

[okkkk]

I cant bear my inhibited life. Nothing bears any weight when you live in isolation. Having absolutely no one. And nothing changes when you're so fundamentally stunted on such a base level. Why cant I get past my own senseless fear. Its literally ruining my life. IM literally ruining my life. I am so scared and so dead set on hiding instead of actually living my life. I hate how fucking small my life is. But at the same time Im so tired of people who just want to see me fail being in my life. Everything I want is locked behind a wall of fear and to this day I cant make a dent in it. Ironically my greatest fear is living and dying without ever getting past this. But there is only so much time. Everyday is just too lonely I dont even think i want to keep going until i see myself ultimately fail anymore. It makes me sick.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you are in this state of distress. Have you sought help for your fear?

 

[faust]

Hello, I am sorry you are experiencing this in your life.
I am not a psychiatrist, but seems to me that it might be a social anxiety or any other disorder.
Did you try to visit any doctor concerning your problem?

 

[okkkk]

i can function socially but I have many annoying limits. I find myself unable to engage with someone when I really want to or even need to at times. And It kills me because I miss out on so much. I really ache for solid irl relationships. I dont know why everyone in my vicinity is so flimsy. I also have a serious problem with self image. I really dispise myself. Its so clear in my mind, why would anyone want to be near me or talk to me? Thats my default state. And its so pathetically self defeating. I realize logically that Its okay to be open and talk but something always stops me. When im walking around doing things im watching my self at the same time. And im so repulsed by my own actions. I feel so fucked. Its just confusing and I think my medicine is actually making it worse. I dont know. Im so tired.

 

[randomz]

I cant bear my inhibited life. Nothing bears any weight when you live in isolation. Having absolutely no one. And nothing changes when you're so fundamentally stunted on such a base level. Why cant I get past my own senseless fear. Its literally ruining my life. IM literally ruining my life. I am so scared and so dead set on hiding instead of actually living my life. I hate how fucking small my life is. But at the same time Im so tired of people who just want to see me fail being in my life. Everything I want is locked behind a wall of fear and to this day I cant make a dent in it. Ironically my greatest fear is living and dying without ever getting past this. But there is only so much time. Everyday is just too lonely I dont even think i want to keep going until i see myself ultimately fail anymore. It makes me sick.

It's like you are describing me in the past couple of months. I hate that illogical and amorphic fear of everything - the anxiety of talking to someone even if you know that there is nothing to fear. It's hell. Have you gone to a psychologist? or maybe you need a change in your meds?

 

[okkkk]

It's like you are describing me in the past couple of months. I hate that illogical and amorphic fear of everything - the anxiety of talking to someone even if you know that there is nothing to fear. It's hell. Have you gone to a psychologist? or maybe you need a change in your meds?

Im on gabapentin and Lamotragine right now. I thought I had gotten past avoiding harmless things but the adrenaline rush of anxiety is impenetrable. The fact that I am powerless to it makes me seethingly angry. My life is small and miserable because my brain doesnt work. Why am I alive??? Why exactly??

 

[randomz]

Im on gabapentin and Lamotragine right now. I thought I had gotten past avoiding harmless things but the adrenaline rush of anxiety is impenetrable. The fact that I am powerless to it makes me seethingly angry. My life is small and miserable because my brain doesnt work. Why am I alive??? Why exactly??

Because there is still a possiblity for you to overcome this fear and star enjoying life. Hope dies last.

 

[okkkk]

Im also so tired of complaining about it. Yet its such an immediate problem that hinders me daily. There is nothing of value here.

 

[Lastravel]

Feel the same about life, you re right, it could be fear of living but these fears are there for a reason. Bad experiences which lead you to this point or biological disorder for instance.
Personnaly I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. This illness lead me to extreme isolation as well and even medication don't help much in this particular case (negative symptoms).

Yet have you tried some therapy ? I guess you tried something by the past already

 

[randomz]

Anxiety and Fear have roots in our past, I agree with that. That's why seeing a therapis could have a really good effect on getting better. You just have to find the right one and never give up trying. Sadly, I already feel at the edge of my powers :(