PlutonianRooster
Member
- Dec 16, 2024
- 6
I don't think I have it in me to recover, but this subforum seems like a better fit than the suicide one for this post.
There's a wall to get over to start recovering - the strength you need to meaningfully reach out and first commit to getting better. I'm too weak to get over it on my own. But that weakness makes getting anything I need to get better too steep of an upward climb... which leaves me to worsen... which makes me less able to get help... and so on.
I got into my first relationship a little over a year ago, and I thought it would change things. Not because I expected love to magically fix me or anything - but because it made me want to get better, and because I had someone who I could be weak around and lean on for the first time. They promised they wanted to help; they encouraged me to open up and be vulnerable. For the first time, I could see a future through the haze of suffering.
Long story short - I got worse before I could get better, because being in a relationship slammed me with all my half-repressed problems, and I got dumped three and a half months ago. (Just one week before I'd be back at college and able to see if their mental health services could do anything useful. I thought things were finally going to get better.) Quoting them, I was "too one-sided" and "difficult to love". (That's my part of the blame, at least. Though it was an entirely one-sided breakup, they weren't free of issues; while I accept my wrongs, and sincerely wanted to work on them, their behavior contributed to the worsening, too.)
It feels like I squandered the one little crumb the universe was willing to toss me. We were otherwise an amazing fit for each other - clicked naturally and right off the bat, like with no one else before. I don't want anyone else. But we were both stupid and inexperienced, and took a toll on other, so now I'm alone. I truly believe we could have a future with better communication, but it's always too little too late, isn't it?
I don't see the point in trying anymore. I've never been worse.
I don't really have friends. My only friends (acquaintances may be more accurate) are in a D&D group that my ex introduced me to, and since my ex said they wanted space, I'm cut off from that now. I have one person I could kind of talk to, but he's busy, never texts first, and it's overwhelmingly clear that we don't have much of a bond anymore - he's replying kindly out of moral obligation. The last time I was texted first was to be broken up with. I don't have it in me to make entirely new friends right now, let alone get to the point where I can open up to them about anything.
My experience with hotlines has been soulless. I need genuine closeness to believe life is worth it.
My parents care about me, but they're incapable of seeing anything without the lenses of culture and religion, and don't know that I left those behind a while ago. I can't fully trust them. My extended family is worse.
I struggle to go outside for classes two to three times a week; I don't know how I'd work towards money for anything. I'm about to finish a degree that's probably pretty useless, and I don't have anything to put on a resume. I've been learning to code, but the prospects still look bleak.
On top of everything else, the stress has me simultaneously exhausted all the time and unable to sleep well. I also work myself up into a panic over actually faking all of my problems at least once a day (I think I have OCD), which stops me from progressing even if I can muster effort.
My only hope is that my ex will reach back out. I don't see any other ways out of the cycle. Even then, all I have ahead of me is struggle. And nothing can completely fix my conditions, nor bring back the lost time.
Many live their entire life without ever getting over the first wall. I feel I'm fated to be one of them.
There's a wall to get over to start recovering - the strength you need to meaningfully reach out and first commit to getting better. I'm too weak to get over it on my own. But that weakness makes getting anything I need to get better too steep of an upward climb... which leaves me to worsen... which makes me less able to get help... and so on.
I got into my first relationship a little over a year ago, and I thought it would change things. Not because I expected love to magically fix me or anything - but because it made me want to get better, and because I had someone who I could be weak around and lean on for the first time. They promised they wanted to help; they encouraged me to open up and be vulnerable. For the first time, I could see a future through the haze of suffering.
Long story short - I got worse before I could get better, because being in a relationship slammed me with all my half-repressed problems, and I got dumped three and a half months ago. (Just one week before I'd be back at college and able to see if their mental health services could do anything useful. I thought things were finally going to get better.) Quoting them, I was "too one-sided" and "difficult to love". (That's my part of the blame, at least. Though it was an entirely one-sided breakup, they weren't free of issues; while I accept my wrongs, and sincerely wanted to work on them, their behavior contributed to the worsening, too.)
It feels like I squandered the one little crumb the universe was willing to toss me. We were otherwise an amazing fit for each other - clicked naturally and right off the bat, like with no one else before. I don't want anyone else. But we were both stupid and inexperienced, and took a toll on other, so now I'm alone. I truly believe we could have a future with better communication, but it's always too little too late, isn't it?
I don't see the point in trying anymore. I've never been worse.
I don't really have friends. My only friends (acquaintances may be more accurate) are in a D&D group that my ex introduced me to, and since my ex said they wanted space, I'm cut off from that now. I have one person I could kind of talk to, but he's busy, never texts first, and it's overwhelmingly clear that we don't have much of a bond anymore - he's replying kindly out of moral obligation. The last time I was texted first was to be broken up with. I don't have it in me to make entirely new friends right now, let alone get to the point where I can open up to them about anything.
My experience with hotlines has been soulless. I need genuine closeness to believe life is worth it.
My parents care about me, but they're incapable of seeing anything without the lenses of culture and religion, and don't know that I left those behind a while ago. I can't fully trust them. My extended family is worse.
I struggle to go outside for classes two to three times a week; I don't know how I'd work towards money for anything. I'm about to finish a degree that's probably pretty useless, and I don't have anything to put on a resume. I've been learning to code, but the prospects still look bleak.
On top of everything else, the stress has me simultaneously exhausted all the time and unable to sleep well. I also work myself up into a panic over actually faking all of my problems at least once a day (I think I have OCD), which stops me from progressing even if I can muster effort.
My only hope is that my ex will reach back out. I don't see any other ways out of the cycle. Even then, all I have ahead of me is struggle. And nothing can completely fix my conditions, nor bring back the lost time.
Many live their entire life without ever getting over the first wall. I feel I'm fated to be one of them.
