WhiteDespair
The Temporary Problem is Life
- Oct 24, 2019
- 837
Yesterday, I came home and kicked over the tv trays I use as little tables. Bottles of medications and vitamins scattered across the floor. A set of nail clippers found its way under a plastic bag. I kicked a container of cleaning wipes and the lid snapped off as its body compressed. It left an orange smelling puddle on the floor. I'm surprised that I didn't break anything. My medication/vitamin shotglass remained unchipped, the tv trays weren't snapped and I didn't lose anything to the crevice monster.
What caused this? I was on the train home after recalling an event that happened at work. My coworker asked me which foreign language I liked and why I liked it. The answer to that is Russian and Russian ladies. However, there was another reason, one that reaches deep into my being to prod at the scars. That is that my mother talked me out of taking a Russian class in college because "it was too hard" and I "wouldn't work at it." It was a continuation of her negativity and an abrogation of that which made me excited if it didn't fall under her unexpressed approval.
My mind went back and forth. I seethed. Rage flooded my synapses. And, I got to thinking. I became more irate.
1. My boss just gave me carte blanche to pursue any project I want this year.
2. There is a good possibility that I will earn a promotion and raise in March.
3. I'm sober of alcohol for 2 years in January.
4. I haven't used caffeine, nicotine and kratom in over a week.
5. I held down the office while my coworker was out for a few weeks while I was also going through withdrawal.
6. I have Easter plans because I was able to forgive my aunt.
7. I didn't want to spend money on my therapist yesterday and train delays prevented me from getting to the session.
8. The membership to the boxing gym I went to twice still charged my card which means I have the option to attend classes and the motivation to attend because I'll be wasting money otherwise.
9. I've actually been enjoying playing Pokemon Ultra Moon and have been EV training a team of my favorites.
10. I started intermittent fasting again after a month of moderate binging due to Zyprexa, withdrawal and some sort of depression.
11. The combination of Adderall, Zyprexa and Prozac actually worked for me.
12. I needed to ship a fragile item for work and I received a package earlier this week with the exact packing materials I needed to get the item to the destination safely.
13. I have a few concerts and events coming that I actually want to attend.
14. I've found a few great new musicians through Spotify and YouTube playlists.
15. I want to get a Nintendo Switch and some games interested me.
In combination, this is ridiculous positive luck.
The universe is screaming at me that I have a future.
I walked home from the train station with all this running through my head. The maelstrom burned through my psyche, consuming and subverting all thoughts. I moved from contemplation to contemplation as the tempest ripped through my soul. Then, it snapped. The torrent subsided into the funadmental truth beneath the livid surge.
I came to the conclusion that I am worth it.
And, I wanted to decline.
Today, I'm feeling better - a little more pumped up, a little happier. The overcast sky is beautiful in its melancholy. I still need to acclimate to this truth as it violates my preconceived notions of myself. That will take effort, and pain. Sadist and masochist as one - reveling in the affliction and the misery. Truth is a mistress cruel in her kindness. And, I am ensnared in her embrace.
Best wishes to all of you.
What caused this? I was on the train home after recalling an event that happened at work. My coworker asked me which foreign language I liked and why I liked it. The answer to that is Russian and Russian ladies. However, there was another reason, one that reaches deep into my being to prod at the scars. That is that my mother talked me out of taking a Russian class in college because "it was too hard" and I "wouldn't work at it." It was a continuation of her negativity and an abrogation of that which made me excited if it didn't fall under her unexpressed approval.
My mind went back and forth. I seethed. Rage flooded my synapses. And, I got to thinking. I became more irate.
1. My boss just gave me carte blanche to pursue any project I want this year.
2. There is a good possibility that I will earn a promotion and raise in March.
3. I'm sober of alcohol for 2 years in January.
4. I haven't used caffeine, nicotine and kratom in over a week.
5. I held down the office while my coworker was out for a few weeks while I was also going through withdrawal.
6. I have Easter plans because I was able to forgive my aunt.
7. I didn't want to spend money on my therapist yesterday and train delays prevented me from getting to the session.
8. The membership to the boxing gym I went to twice still charged my card which means I have the option to attend classes and the motivation to attend because I'll be wasting money otherwise.
9. I've actually been enjoying playing Pokemon Ultra Moon and have been EV training a team of my favorites.
10. I started intermittent fasting again after a month of moderate binging due to Zyprexa, withdrawal and some sort of depression.
11. The combination of Adderall, Zyprexa and Prozac actually worked for me.
12. I needed to ship a fragile item for work and I received a package earlier this week with the exact packing materials I needed to get the item to the destination safely.
13. I have a few concerts and events coming that I actually want to attend.
14. I've found a few great new musicians through Spotify and YouTube playlists.
15. I want to get a Nintendo Switch and some games interested me.
In combination, this is ridiculous positive luck.
The universe is screaming at me that I have a future.
I walked home from the train station with all this running through my head. The maelstrom burned through my psyche, consuming and subverting all thoughts. I moved from contemplation to contemplation as the tempest ripped through my soul. Then, it snapped. The torrent subsided into the funadmental truth beneath the livid surge.
I came to the conclusion that I am worth it.
And, I wanted to decline.
Today, I'm feeling better - a little more pumped up, a little happier. The overcast sky is beautiful in its melancholy. I still need to acclimate to this truth as it violates my preconceived notions of myself. That will take effort, and pain. Sadist and masochist as one - reveling in the affliction and the misery. Truth is a mistress cruel in her kindness. And, I am ensnared in her embrace.
Best wishes to all of you.
