wildflowers1996
Arcanist
- Oct 14, 2023
- 412
If you are sensitive about the way you look, I would suggest not reading this; I know it might be tempting but I don't really want to torture anyone else the way I am being tortured. I will talk about specific physical features that you yourself might have, and I don't want people going away hating themselves because of me.
I have "body dysmorphic disorder".
It used to be referred to as "imagined ugliness syndrome". And it would show a picture of someone looking into a mirror and seeing a completely distorted image of themselves.
I HATE that I was lied to and being told that was what was happening. As though I was hallucinating and actually everyone saw something completely different to me. It was a comforting thought, but a lie.
I KNOW it was a lie because I had my flaws pointed out by other people. I already saw my flaws before they pointed them out. It just confirmed that yes, they DO exist, I am not hallucinating.
I know I am not deformed. I know people in the street aren't going "look at that girl and how ugly she is". I am not deluded. I am definitely below average, but not in a way for strangers to point and stare.
I hate that people always say I need to have CBT/ERP for BDD. That will not change the way I look! They just want you to focus more "outwardly" and "learn to accept" the way you look.
I watched a documentary on BDD and they were just lying to this girl. She wasn't ugly by society's standards, but I could see EXACTLY why she felt the way she did. People were saying "there's nothing wrong with her" and it was a lie. I could see every flaw she was talking about. Everything she said about herself, I could see what she meant. And it showed various other people with BDD and I was like "yeah, I can see exactly what they mean. Yes, they are ugly". They weren't exceptionally ugly, but their flaws 100% did exist.
When I see a celebrity most people think is attractive, I agree. When I see a celebrity most people think is ugly, I agree.
I have been telling myself I am a horrible, horrible person for feeling this way, for seeing others as ugly because I HATE people thinking I'm ugly and seeing my flaws.
But actually, maybe I am just seeing things the way they really are? And I'm not evil just because I can see the truth - no matter how ugly the truth is?
My thoughts even attack my family who I love SO much. And I feel heartbroken because I know that they are deluded too and have their ugly parts too. It makes me feel so guilty for thinking about my mum for example, and all of her physical flaws. It makes me want to scream thinking how hurt she would be if she knew how I felt about her, because I love her SO much.
I think most people just don't care about, or realise, their flaws, but I see the truth and I hate it.
Like the poor psychiatrist, who genuinely is kind and trying to help people with "BDD", my brain just goes "you're deluded too, because you're also unattractive". I actually think he's below average.
I don't want to go to CBT and be "tricked" into accepting myself the way I am. I would rather not exist than look the way I do. It's be pretty, or die. And I am not pretty by my standards.
It's bad enough that I feel horrible about the way I look.
But what I can't STAND is how my thoughts attack nearly everyone else too. I feel like I'm being extremely cruel. I feel bad because I turn on the TV and all I can think is "that person is ugly, that person is too. Why don't they kill themselves?"
I do know that this is not a normal way to feel, absolutely. I think my problem is I have a much higher standard than most people and I don't want to lower it. But even if I did - I would STILL be ugly; I'm not just average with high standards, I am UGLY with high standards. Telling me that I don't look a certain way is a lie.
I KNOW I have an oblong face shape - because multiple people have told me! Not to be cruel; in a purely objective way.
And that face shape will ALWAYS be ugly and unfeminine to me.
I KNOW my nose has a bump, because I have been told that too. Unless a nose is straight, it's ugly to me. It's not so bad since I had surgery, but the bump is still there. I don't understand people at all who talk about noses having "character". I don't want "character", I want to be pretty.
I know I have an ugly double chin since having a genioplasty
I had a neck lift, and it is STILL THERE. Not as bad, but still there and ugly. Plus an ugly scar where I had a non surgical procedure which didn't work at all.
My brother called me ugly as a child - and I could tell he said it with no malice whatsoever. He wasn't trying to be cruel at all; he was just saying it in a matter of fact way like "oh yeah, you're ugly" - not realising this would hurt my feelings. So I knew what he was saying was TRUE - he did see me as ugly.
I realise I come across as obsessive to someone without BDD reading this, and I acknowledge I am obsessive.
But I don't care. I don't want to "not be obsessive". I want to not be UGLY. I don't want to live as me. The ugly girl is not the role I want to play. I am not delusional; all the evidence points to otherwise. I just see the ugly truth.
I have "body dysmorphic disorder".
It used to be referred to as "imagined ugliness syndrome". And it would show a picture of someone looking into a mirror and seeing a completely distorted image of themselves.
I HATE that I was lied to and being told that was what was happening. As though I was hallucinating and actually everyone saw something completely different to me. It was a comforting thought, but a lie.
I KNOW it was a lie because I had my flaws pointed out by other people. I already saw my flaws before they pointed them out. It just confirmed that yes, they DO exist, I am not hallucinating.
I know I am not deformed. I know people in the street aren't going "look at that girl and how ugly she is". I am not deluded. I am definitely below average, but not in a way for strangers to point and stare.
I hate that people always say I need to have CBT/ERP for BDD. That will not change the way I look! They just want you to focus more "outwardly" and "learn to accept" the way you look.
I watched a documentary on BDD and they were just lying to this girl. She wasn't ugly by society's standards, but I could see EXACTLY why she felt the way she did. People were saying "there's nothing wrong with her" and it was a lie. I could see every flaw she was talking about. Everything she said about herself, I could see what she meant. And it showed various other people with BDD and I was like "yeah, I can see exactly what they mean. Yes, they are ugly". They weren't exceptionally ugly, but their flaws 100% did exist.
When I see a celebrity most people think is attractive, I agree. When I see a celebrity most people think is ugly, I agree.
I have been telling myself I am a horrible, horrible person for feeling this way, for seeing others as ugly because I HATE people thinking I'm ugly and seeing my flaws.
But actually, maybe I am just seeing things the way they really are? And I'm not evil just because I can see the truth - no matter how ugly the truth is?
My thoughts even attack my family who I love SO much. And I feel heartbroken because I know that they are deluded too and have their ugly parts too. It makes me feel so guilty for thinking about my mum for example, and all of her physical flaws. It makes me want to scream thinking how hurt she would be if she knew how I felt about her, because I love her SO much.
I think most people just don't care about, or realise, their flaws, but I see the truth and I hate it.
Like the poor psychiatrist, who genuinely is kind and trying to help people with "BDD", my brain just goes "you're deluded too, because you're also unattractive". I actually think he's below average.
I don't want to go to CBT and be "tricked" into accepting myself the way I am. I would rather not exist than look the way I do. It's be pretty, or die. And I am not pretty by my standards.
It's bad enough that I feel horrible about the way I look.
But what I can't STAND is how my thoughts attack nearly everyone else too. I feel like I'm being extremely cruel. I feel bad because I turn on the TV and all I can think is "that person is ugly, that person is too. Why don't they kill themselves?"
I do know that this is not a normal way to feel, absolutely. I think my problem is I have a much higher standard than most people and I don't want to lower it. But even if I did - I would STILL be ugly; I'm not just average with high standards, I am UGLY with high standards. Telling me that I don't look a certain way is a lie.
I KNOW I have an oblong face shape - because multiple people have told me! Not to be cruel; in a purely objective way.
And that face shape will ALWAYS be ugly and unfeminine to me.
I KNOW my nose has a bump, because I have been told that too. Unless a nose is straight, it's ugly to me. It's not so bad since I had surgery, but the bump is still there. I don't understand people at all who talk about noses having "character". I don't want "character", I want to be pretty.
I know I have an ugly double chin since having a genioplasty
I had a neck lift, and it is STILL THERE. Not as bad, but still there and ugly. Plus an ugly scar where I had a non surgical procedure which didn't work at all.
My brother called me ugly as a child - and I could tell he said it with no malice whatsoever. He wasn't trying to be cruel at all; he was just saying it in a matter of fact way like "oh yeah, you're ugly" - not realising this would hurt my feelings. So I knew what he was saying was TRUE - he did see me as ugly.
I realise I come across as obsessive to someone without BDD reading this, and I acknowledge I am obsessive.
But I don't care. I don't want to "not be obsessive". I want to not be UGLY. I don't want to live as me. The ugly girl is not the role I want to play. I am not delusional; all the evidence points to otherwise. I just see the ugly truth.
