meaningisgone
Student
- Feb 17, 2019
- 112
My last cripplingly deep depression, which lasted about a whole year, I fantasized about ending my life nearly every day.
These are the train tracks near my house.
I planned to wait for a train and then quickly put my neck on the track in front of the frontmost wheel.
I fantasized about it hundreds upon hundreds of times.
One night I sat near the tracks and waited for a train that did not end up passing by that night.
It's very difficult to be authentic in our society without getting depressed. Society is not designed to promote authenticity. We're often rejected, abandoned, and belittled for being real.
I decided fairly early in life that being real was more important to me than being happy. I set out to find away to be myself and change the world so that we can all be ourselves without paying a terrible price.
It has taken me so long, it feels, to reach a point where I've nearly mastered being authentic without causing too much damage in my life that depression becomes the inevitable result. It's all about balance, pacing, expressing myself non-defensively and non-judgmentally, knowing and defending my boundaries, and learning and respecting the boundaries of others.
Depression isn't very mysterious to me. It's a natural consequence of sacrificing important parts of yourself to society's superficial and soulless mechanism. We kill precious parts of ourselves and so often sacrifice our dreams out of sense of obligation that we cannot even defend or explain because it is indefensible and inexplicable.
No wonder so many of us think about dying.
I've reached a point in my journey where idle introspection is out of style. The time for real action is in vogue. That's one of the many reasons I'm getting involved in turning the political system on its head. To make a world where no one has to fantasize about putting their head under a damn train again.
Anyway, today, I proudly walked down those tracks near my house. A sort of victory march. I've gotten better after the darkest period of my life, when I felt 100% certain it was the end. I'm lucky to be alive, and my heart is with everyone who has already left or will still choose to go. I understand that and I will never judge it. But if even a single tiny part of you wants to get better, I believe it can be possible for you. My logic is simply that I can't think of a single good reason it would be possible for me but not someone else.
Love you all. Honestly, I do.
These are the train tracks near my house.
I planned to wait for a train and then quickly put my neck on the track in front of the frontmost wheel.
I fantasized about it hundreds upon hundreds of times.
One night I sat near the tracks and waited for a train that did not end up passing by that night.
It's very difficult to be authentic in our society without getting depressed. Society is not designed to promote authenticity. We're often rejected, abandoned, and belittled for being real.
I decided fairly early in life that being real was more important to me than being happy. I set out to find away to be myself and change the world so that we can all be ourselves without paying a terrible price.
It has taken me so long, it feels, to reach a point where I've nearly mastered being authentic without causing too much damage in my life that depression becomes the inevitable result. It's all about balance, pacing, expressing myself non-defensively and non-judgmentally, knowing and defending my boundaries, and learning and respecting the boundaries of others.
Depression isn't very mysterious to me. It's a natural consequence of sacrificing important parts of yourself to society's superficial and soulless mechanism. We kill precious parts of ourselves and so often sacrifice our dreams out of sense of obligation that we cannot even defend or explain because it is indefensible and inexplicable.
No wonder so many of us think about dying.
I've reached a point in my journey where idle introspection is out of style. The time for real action is in vogue. That's one of the many reasons I'm getting involved in turning the political system on its head. To make a world where no one has to fantasize about putting their head under a damn train again.
Anyway, today, I proudly walked down those tracks near my house. A sort of victory march. I've gotten better after the darkest period of my life, when I felt 100% certain it was the end. I'm lucky to be alive, and my heart is with everyone who has already left or will still choose to go. I understand that and I will never judge it. But if even a single tiny part of you wants to get better, I believe it can be possible for you. My logic is simply that I can't think of a single good reason it would be possible for me but not someone else.
Love you all. Honestly, I do.
