the torturous cycle of remembering

[hi-okbye]

hey, so this is a sort of vent I guess. I won't make it too long.

as some of you may know, recently my partner died. I felt like I sort of accepted it in a way.
sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night though, or I'll just be walking around my house. and suddenly it hits me… shit he's gone. and not just a light realization, a heavy one. like truly gone, as in I won't see him again, I won't have a future with him again, we won't be together again, everything we talked about will never happen.

I never realized how heavy a heart can drop until that moment. the sinking feeling in my chest is physically pain staking. after that, every time even if I try to hold myself together all I can do is cry. bawl my eyes out for the 1000th time because it feels like what am I without him.

i probably have BPD, never got it truly diagnosed though in fear of it ruining my future, staining me. it's why I become so obsessive and it honestly sucks. both of these things just add more layers of why I feel like I need to ctb. a desire from every peice of me.

peace to you all, much love as always <3

 

[MarsProxy]

You're not alone in this torment. I hope you get the peace you need whenever you need it.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really painful what you are going through, I hope that you eventually find peace from all the suffering.