Story The time God spoke to me

[Cyagangy]

My tale of when God called upon me, it had been 3 days after my 9 attempts. I writhed and seethed in mental anguish and fury on my bed. I cursed at myself. I almost cursed upon Gods name yet I didn't. I had truly given up by that point. Everything felt surreal, going to school extremely tired and out of breath due to failed suffocation having to act as if everything was completely fine. As if I was fine, it felt almost maddening. But the holy spirit was imparted onto me while I was doing research on how to properly end my life. I put my phone down as it gave me visions of tribulation, it requested me to spread the word until my end. What was strange about this holy ghost is it truly had no form nor voice. It was a feeling, I gained wisdom and happiness in that moment as I began to laugh in my bed. My seething was gone now filled with purpose. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I went to church and further studied the christian religion, though I knew no one would take my warnings seriously. General religious hate is common due to clergy abuse and toxic christians. I vowed with the three months I have left on this planet I will spread his love the best I can while rejecting temptation. This meant forgiving my mother,my molester and everyone who had once wronged me in the past. I helped to rectify the evils of homophobia in my christian community. How dare we judge others for sins when we ourselves are sinners? God's love was meant for everyone and that meant everyone. After my extreme switch to religion I made a plan to read the bible live. I will do it throughout two weeks and when I'm done i'll self-immolate to show how serious I was. I can't try my hardest to save those I care deeply for from the upcoming tribulation but only they may truly change. I once questioned my sanity, part of me believed I was being rash and deluded but I knew in my heart what I saw. Though to feed that very naysayer in my psyche I decided to tell my brother in christ about my plan. I wont say his name here but he told me that plan was "Not in christ doctrine" I nodded my head. I'm glad he hasn't told anyone about my plan but I fear he is worrying and praying for me. Though my mom told me in the car that my vision and thoughts were my own. Many denied Christ and his disciples and their teachings(Granted I never told my mom I literally plan on burning myself alive). I know what must be done to save as many souls as possible even if it means I must make a small sacrifice such as my life.

 

[dune_dweller]

he told me that plan was "Not in christ doctrine"

I mean... that's what I was thinking.

If you had an impartation of the Holy Spirit and felt the conviction of sins, to forgive, and whatnot, then surely you would have also felt convicted that suicide was wrong.

Or I would think so.

Clearly different people seem to have different mystical experiences when it comes to Christianity, so who knows?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If a part of you feels like you are being rash and deluded then I would honestly listen to that part of you. In a lot of cases, these supposed reports of people hearing the word of the lord, or whatever, nearly always end up being as a result of some sort of rational explanation and in your case in particular, you have talked about having issues with psychosis before.

How to tell your mind from matter (Cya's guide to testing your sanity)

Hello S.S names Cya and recently I have been slowly succumbing to my psychosis. Don't know how I got it don't know how bad it will get but I wanna make a little guide to help people struggling like me. First off if you can afford it go to a hospital. I can't do I need to test if what I see and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Letting go of the last thread

For weeks upon weeks, I have been fighting against my own traitorous psyche. I'm not proud to announce this but I have lost, pun not intended. I have lost both the last shreds of reason I had left and my very own mind continues to poison and delude itself further. Maybe the scariest thing about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

With this in mind, I feel like anyone engaging with this thread should try to not reinforce what are likely thoughts and beliefs brought on by the OP's psychosis. I am mostly saying this because I am aware that there are some religious people on this site and while we should be trying to support the OP during what seems to be a very vulnerable moment in time for them, I do think that we need to be a bit careful in how we engage with them.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

Hello Cya, I remember you said you were going to talk to your pastor about your visions and seek guidance.
When will you speak to them?

 

[uncat_]

(Granted I never told my mom I literally plan on burning myself alive).

please do not do this. if what you saw and felt was truly God, you would know that this plan is not god's will. not to mention that it is a horrible, gruesome, and agonizing death. please, please do not do this.

 

[Cyagangy]

Hello Cya, I remember you said you were going to talk to your pastor about your visions and seek guidance.
When will you speak to them?

I spoke to him but he didn't exactly agree with me.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I spoke to him but he didn't exactly agree with me.

Is he the brother in christ you mentioned? What did he say about your plans of self immolation?

 

[Cyagangy]

Is he the brother in christ you mentioned? What did he say about your plans of self immolation?

He said it wasn't in Christ doctrine. From what I'm aware of I already followed the three steps in it. Repent,baptize, continue my faith.

If a part of you feels like you are being rash and deluded then I would honestly listen to that part of you. In a lot of cases, these supposed reports of people hearing the word of the lord, or whatever, nearly always end up being as a result of some sort of rational explanation and in your case in particular, you have talked about having issues with psychosis before.

How to tell your mind from matter (Cya's guide to testing your sanity)

Hello S.S names Cya and recently I have been slowly succumbing to my psychosis. Don't know how I got it don't know how bad it will get but I wanna make a little guide to help people struggling like me. First off if you can afford it go to a hospital. I can't do I need to test if what I see and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Letting go of the last thread

For weeks upon weeks, I have been fighting against my own traitorous psyche. I'm not proud to announce this but I have lost, pun not intended. I have lost both the last shreds of reason I had left and my very own mind continues to poison and delude itself further. Maybe the scariest thing about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

With this in mind, I feel like anyone engaging with this thread should try to not reinforce what are likely thoughts and beliefs brought on by the OP's psychosis. I am mostly saying this because I am aware that there are some religious people on this site and while we should be trying to support the OP during what seems to be a very vulnerable moment in time for them, I do think that we need to be a bit careful in how we engage with them.

I try but even so that part of me is just as rash. It still wants me to die but it's just telling me I'm not well. But in my psychosis post a nurse told me I'm fine. I do thank you for your support though.

I mean... that's what I was thinking.

If you had an impartation of the Holy Spirit and felt the conviction of sins, to forgive, and whatnot, then surely you would have also felt convicted that suicide was wrong.

Or I would think so.

Clearly different people seem to have different mystical experiences when it comes to Christianity, so who knows?

Suicide isn't inherently condemned by Christianity as some would think. Murder is but it's forgivable. Though this is a sacrifice and not the shedding of innocent blood. I'm a sinner just as anyone else is therefore I'm not innocent.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

He said it wasn't in Christ doctrine. From what I'm aware of I already followed the three steps in it. Repent,baptize, continue my faith.

I try but even so that part of me is just as rash. It still wants me to die but it's just telling me I'm not well. But in my psychosis post a nurse told me I'm fine. I do thank you for your support though.

Suicide isn't inherently condemned by Christianity as some would think. Murder is but it's forgivable. Though this is a sacrifice and not the shedding of innocent blood. I'm a sinner just as anyone else is therefore I'm not innocent.

Did your pastor say the visions weren't in Christ's doctrine, or the self-immolation? Or both?

 

[Cyagangy]

Did your pastor say the visions weren't in Christ's doctrine, or the self-immolation? Or both?

Only the self immolation. Visions are normal and fine.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

Only the self immolation. Visions are normal and fine.

Your pastor has devoted his life to God and Christ's teachings. I see no reason not to listen to what he's saying.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I try but even so that part of me is just as rash. It still wants me to die but it's just telling me I'm not well. But in my psychosis post a nurse told me I'm fine. I do thank you for your support though.

Even if your nurse told you that you were fine that doesn't necessarily mean that you are. I think you go and see someone for a second opinion.

 

[Cyagangy]

Your pastor has devoted his life to God and Christ's teachings. I see no reason not to listen to what he's saying.

It's because everyone has there own version of Christ doctrine. I'm part of the disciples of Christ/church of Christ sect. But a new sect of Christianity is made based upon ones ideals or political beliefs like "Positive Christianity" aka Nazi Christians. My ideals tell me that God has granted me his wisdom due to my need for it and my devotion too him.

Even if your nurse told you that you were fine that doesn't necessarily mean that you are. I think you go and see someone for a second opinion.

If I got a second opinion then it would more then likely not be put in a hospital for my beliefs. Free country my ass, I ain't hurting nobody.

please do not do this. if what you saw and felt was truly God, you would know that this plan is not god's will. not to mention that it is a horrible, gruesome, and agonizing death. please, please do not do this.

I'm aware that it's gruesome. I don't self immolate for nothing. Christ called upon me for a reason, though I may try to run and rationalize it I know what I must do to prove my devotion and hopefully bring people closer to him.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

It's because everyone has there own version of Christ doctrine. I'm part of the disciples of Christ/church of Christ sect. But a new sect of Christianity is made based upon ones ideals or political beliefs like "Positive Christianity" aka Nazi Christians. My ideals tell me that God has granted me his wisdom due to my need for it and my devotion too him.

If I got a second opinion then it would more then likely not be put in a hospital for my beliefs. Free country my ass, I sing hurting nobody.

But it also sounds like psychosis, and I think part of you knows this. In which case your visions and plans can't be trusted. I mean even your pastor disagrees. I think you should seek help from a professional before you do something that God doesn't want you to do at all.

 

[Cyagangy]

But it also sounds like psychosis, and I think part of you knows this. In which case your visions and plans can't be trusted. I mean even your pastor disagrees. I think you should seek help from a professional before you do something that God doesn't want you to do at all.

I would if it didn't cost so much. Even then God made me like this for a reason to fit his plan. We have free will but he knows how our demise is supposed to be. He favors Martyrs anyway.

 

[willow115]

Christ doesn't want us to set ourselves on fire. We don't get to form our will to the divine, it's the other way around.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I would if it didn't cost so much. Even then God made me like this for a reason to fit his plan. We have free will but he knows how our demise is supposed to be. He favors Martyrs anyway.

Have you checked to see if you can get medicaid? You can search "your state + medicaid" and see and even apply online.

 

[Cyagangy]

Have you checked to see if you can get medicaid? You can search "your state + medicaid" and see and even apply online.

I'll do that but I doubt I'll be accepted for it since my mom already tried.

 

[yabujin]

The universe talked to me back in 2019.
That year had that one day when the sun was the most red.
This was also the year when I played silent hill 3
In the interview of making silent hill 3 , masahiro ito mentioned that the sun at the beginning of the game was more red than reality's but it happened in the real world that year. Then I check the news that there was an explosive red sunset near a certain location the US.
This was also the year when I attempted suicide
This used to symbolise that our world is transitioning into the other world but what I personally noticed it was the year when the sun was changing for yellow shade to white. Hence why its so different after 2020 .
I was listening to Jeromes dream all year in 2019 and the band reunited that year but not as legendary trio, but as a false four.
There was also a moment in 2020 where there was a strange glimpse of some bright object in the sky that was similar resemblance to the forbidden tarot card - they eye of cosmos (aka the evil eye) which was also mentioned sh3. .Also I was experiencing imagery in my head similar to yabujin's videos before I discovered him. In 2020 I experienced a heavy psychodelic hit and I felt like I was dying. There was a strange day where I felt like I was controlling everyone. .
That year was truly profound time of my life, despite being suicide ridden.The sync of those events was almost a mystical experience to me

 

[Cyagangy]

The universe talked to me back in 2019.
That year had that one day when the sun was the most red.
This was also the year when I played silent hill 3
In the interview of making silent hill 3 , masahiro ito mentioned that the sun at the beginning of the game was more red than reality's but it happened in the real world that year. Then I check the news that there was an explosive red sunset near a certain location the US.
This was also the year when I attempted suicide
This used to symbolise that our world is transitioning into the other world but what I personally noticed it was the year when the sun was changing for yellow shade to white. Hence why its so different after 2020 .
I was listening to Jeromes dream all year in 2019 and the band reunited that year but not as legendary trio, but as a false four.
There was also a moment in 2020 where there was a strange glimpse of some bright object in the sky that was similar resemblance to the forbidden tarot card - they eye of cosmos (aka the evil eye) which was also mentioned sh3. .Also I was experiencing imagery in my head similar to yabujin's videos before I discovered him. In 2020 I experienced a heavy psychodelic hit and I felt like I was dying. There was a strange day where I felt like I was controlling everyone. .
That year was truly profound time of my life, despite being suicide ridden.The sync of those events was almost a mystical experience to me

It's genuinely just like that sometimes. We have reason to believe these things. For me it was seeing the Sahara desert flood like it said in Iseaiah 41:18 or today when I found a crucifix necklace on the floor. Things like that help build upon my once renewed faith. Also Silent Hill 3 is so good dude.