Duochrome-Seahorse
Some Person Who's Epic and Cool
- Feb 23, 2023
- 65
Thru out my life, I always have this phase where I get panic attacks when thinking about death, with one of them ended up taking me to the hospital. Now that I don't get severe panic attacks anymore, every time I think about my non existence is dread and discomfort. The thought of no longer existing and the world just ending right after scares me for some reason. I think it's because I started watching these videos about how the universe might collapse on itself and when humans go extinct there will be little to no evidence that we existed, meaning my things are going to be long gone.
Not only that, I started having thoughts of my family dying again and it makes me so sad, but I can't do anything about it. I literally have to watch life take its course with them, and its no different for me.
This is the most irrational I've been in a while because I know I'm not going to be here forever, but the thought of going old and death happening at anytime scares me a lot. So much so that I don't want to kill myself anymore. I still feel like I shouldn't exist as I'm not really close with anyone so no one will really notice, but I think I'll try life one more time. Not for love or success in my life, more so that there's really no rush to anything at this point (that and I'm really materialistic). I don't feel this urgency to die as much anymore, probably from the meds I've been taking is actually working.
Also, a lot of things are surprisingly going well for me, and I'm really proud of myself for that. I started journaling again, going on long walks to get my energy out and talking to my brother a lot more about how i truly feel. I'm going to social events so I get out the house more and not just sitting at my computer all day. I'm trying to feel less shame about who I am while also trying to change for the betterment of myself. That and I noticed that I never really go on this site that much, but for the times that I needed to vent here, it's been really helpful, especially when I start becoming a broken record about a traumatic event.
I truly don't know what the future hold for me, I never really saw myself having a future to begin with. I kinda just do things in the present tense because the "future" that I'm building towards might not actually exist, but I will say: if these last few months are the true end for me, I might as well do everything I always wanted to do before my time ends. Getting validation/reassurance from people is hard to get nowadays and it's going to get harder as I get older, so I'm going to have to cheer myself on for the time being.
Not only that, I started having thoughts of my family dying again and it makes me so sad, but I can't do anything about it. I literally have to watch life take its course with them, and its no different for me.
This is the most irrational I've been in a while because I know I'm not going to be here forever, but the thought of going old and death happening at anytime scares me a lot. So much so that I don't want to kill myself anymore. I still feel like I shouldn't exist as I'm not really close with anyone so no one will really notice, but I think I'll try life one more time. Not for love or success in my life, more so that there's really no rush to anything at this point (that and I'm really materialistic). I don't feel this urgency to die as much anymore, probably from the meds I've been taking is actually working.
Also, a lot of things are surprisingly going well for me, and I'm really proud of myself for that. I started journaling again, going on long walks to get my energy out and talking to my brother a lot more about how i truly feel. I'm going to social events so I get out the house more and not just sitting at my computer all day. I'm trying to feel less shame about who I am while also trying to change for the betterment of myself. That and I noticed that I never really go on this site that much, but for the times that I needed to vent here, it's been really helpful, especially when I start becoming a broken record about a traumatic event.
I truly don't know what the future hold for me, I never really saw myself having a future to begin with. I kinda just do things in the present tense because the "future" that I'm building towards might not actually exist, but I will say: if these last few months are the true end for me, I might as well do everything I always wanted to do before my time ends. Getting validation/reassurance from people is hard to get nowadays and it's going to get harder as I get older, so I'm going to have to cheer myself on for the time being.
