Venting the things i cant talk to my therapist about

[author]

I don't know if anyone can actually give me advice for this, but I'm really fed up and I want to scream. I hate keeping quiet about things, but my therapist legally has to do an investigation if she feels I'm "unsafe". At least she's decent enough to tell me "Hey, if this conversation continues any further, I legally have to investigate this" so I know when to stop, but fuck... I already am unsafe because of my family, and wanting to ctb, but I can't talk to her about any of it. Going to a ward isn't gonna help my financial situation, my family abusing me, or any of my mental health issues. If I get put in another ward, I'm going to throw out all my desire for a painless ctb and just do it any way I can. I've been there once, and I've made it very clear to her that I'm not going again.

Honestly it doesn't make me feel better enough to not sh, it makes me afraid to. I'm scared of being put away again for something super small. (I was put in a ward once by my mother as a punishment for skipping school once and it was hell).

I don't know what to do, man. I wanna say fuck everyone else and do what I want to my body, but I'm afraid of the consequences and stewing in this decision paralysis without being able to say anything is just making me feel so much worse. I hate this. I'm just trapped in doing nothing - sometimes I cry and sometimes I can't express anything because I've trained myself not to cry if I hear people nearby.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I'm just trapped here, alternating between staring at my screen and staring at the fucking wall.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

What is it that you can't tell your therapist? Is it just suicidal ideation? If so, then you're not alone in that. It really sucks that we can't discuss suicide in therapy. That's why we're there after all, and if we don't talk about it the distortions we feed into through suicidal thinking are able to fester and become worse and more engrained.

Idk if your therapist will take well to this since you have ward visits and sh on your record already, but maybe you can mention having the thoughts and really emphasize that they go away fast and you have no plans to ctb in the near future. If she insists on getting a date, maybe say 2 years out and emphasize once again that you understand that the thoughts are unreasonable.

If it's other things though, like your therapist would have to report people abusing you ... if you are under 18 really consider what good it is to be stuck with people who don't do anything for your life. I know that's a hard decision to make but the reason why mandated reporting exists is to protect people in horrible situations. I wouldn't understand what it's like to make a decision like that, and I guess most of the time it's a matter of "same shit differrent day" but if there's a way to get justice for yourself you can decide if it'll be worth it.

 

[author]

What is it that you can't tell your therapist? Is it just suicidal ideation? If so, then you're not alone in that. It really sucks that we can't discuss suicide in therapy. That's why we're there after all, and if we don't talk about it the distortions we feed into through suicidal thinking are able to fester and become worse and more engrained.

Idk if your therapist will take well to this since you have ward visits and sh on your record already, but maybe you can mention having the thoughts and really emphasize that they go away fast and you have no plans to ctb in the near future. If she insists on getting a date, maybe say 2 years out and emphasize once again that you understand that the thoughts are unreasonable.

If it's other things though, like your therapist would have to report people abusing you ... if you are under 18 really consider what good it is to be stuck with people who don't do anything for your life. I know that's a hard decision to make but the reason why mandated reporting exists is to protect people in horrible situations. I wouldn't understand what it's like to make a decision like that, and I guess most of the time it's a matter of "same shit differrent day" but if there's a way to get justice for yourself you can decide if it'll be worth it.

Yeah, if I tell her I'm thinking of ctb, sh, or if I tell her just how bad my family is - basically anything that gives her "reason to believe I'm in danger" she has to investigate. It sucks because I feel like I'm tiptoe-ing my own pain.
Saying 2 years out is a good idea though. I'd probably either be out of therapy or have a different therapist at that point, realistically.

Unfortunately I'm already 20 though so I'm honestly not sure what would be done if my family's abuse was reported. I don't have any money or anywhere I can go, and I really don't want to deal with law enforcement getting involved.

 

[Verodv]

Introusive suicidal thoughts are some of main symptoms in a LOT of mental illness. How is ever possibile not being permitted to talk about to terapist? He/she cannot make a diagnose and find a cure for you.

It's this a law things? It'violating your right to be cured! What country do you live in?

 

[aanka]

Hi there,
I understand your situation and was in a similar predicament with my therapist for a long time. Then I had a 2 week break from therapy and in that time I realised what I really wanted. So I went back to her after the 2 weeks and I told her that I want someone who can accept that to commit suicide or not is my decision, and to help me work through the things that are making me suicidal in the first place without panicking on my behalf and starting an investigation. And this lead us into a really difficult conversation about her ethical obligations and my needs. So we decided on the following:
1. I would keep her updated on information like who is my next of kin, what their contact details are, if I have a change of interest and the contact details of my GP/doctor/psychiatrist. So incase she feels she needs to call someone and inform them that I'm suicidal, she can.
2. We also agreed that going ahead with suicide is ultimately my decision and that there is nothing she can really do about it as I'm not going to call her when I'm about to ctb and say 'hey, I'm going to kill myself now'. So essentially, I'll do it if I want and no one can stop me if I don't want to be stopped. And that she needs to accept that that's the case. That she doesnt take decisions for me.
3. That usually if I can talk about what's making me suicidal and have some support in those matters, I tend to decide to stick around and have hope that things may get better. So, from now on, we will talk about these matters with the understanding that most likely I will stick around if I see reason to, but that I can take my life if I want, and that if she feels I'm desperate and really about to do it, she can call whoever she wants to.
4. She let me know that she cares about me and would like me to live. But that she has no control over my decisions. That it would make her sad but that she will just have to deal with it if thats the case.

After these changes, I started feeling much more comfortable about going to the sessions and our relationship changed and became one of equals. I also realised how much I can tell her and how much I want to hide. So if I really feel like I'm going to do it- I won't tell her that but I will say that I feel like suicide is the right decision for me and reasons x, y and z are why I'm feeling suicidal. And then we focus on these reasons and the sessions became much more fruitful because the attention shifted away from the panic over my suicide to finding realistic solutions to my problems.

Now, I don't know how old you are and if you are able to have such a conversation with your therapist or not. I also don't know if you are like me and your desire to ctb reduces when you see hope , or if you just want to ctb irrespective of hope or not (which is dependent on how you feel and is completely your decision). So, I don't know if this will work for you. But its worth thinking about having this conversation with her.

Hope this helps x

 

[whywere]

Hi! 1st and foremost, I love, care about/for you and I have been there before myself more than once.

It is always such a catch-22 as far as wanting help and if one does then the situation could become more complex. Now with that aspect said that is one of the great aspects of SS , as all the love and caring that is here. I truly care about you very much as we are in this TOGETHER as we are brothers in arms.

I am not on 100% of the time but you can always pm me if you want to for kindness, support and the knowledge that you are a very important part of SS and me here.

Sending you lots of love, hugs and a beautiful sunny day!

Walter

 

[author]

Introusive suicidal thoughts are some of main symptoms in a LOT of mental illness. How is ever possibile not being permitted to talk about to terapist? He/she cannot make a diagnose and find a cure for you.

It's this a law things? It'violating your right to be cured! What country do you live in?

I'm already diagnosed. I can't take meds due to my body rejecting them. In the U.S., a therapist has to report when they feel the patient is in danger of harming themself, others, or in danger of being harmed by others. U.S. hospital wards are terrible, though.

Hi there,
I understand your situation and was in a similar predicament with my therapist for a long time. Then I had a 2 week break from therapy and in that time I realised what I really wanted. So I went back to her after the 2 weeks and I told her that I want someone who can accept that to commit suicide or not is my decision, and to help me work through the things that are making me suicidal in the first place without panicking on my behalf and starting an investigation. And this lead us into a really difficult conversation about her ethical obligations and my needs. So we decided on the following:
1. I would keep her updated on information like who is my next of kin, what their contact details are, if I have a change of interest and the contact details of my GP/doctor/psychiatrist. So incase she feels she needs to call someone and inform them that I'm suicidal, she can.
2. We also agreed that going ahead with suicide is ultimately my decision and that there is nothing she can really do about it as I'm not going to call her when I'm about to ctb and say 'hey, I'm going to kill myself now'. So essentially, I'll do it if I want and no one can stop me if I don't want to be stopped. And that she needs to accept that that's the case. That she doesnt take decisions for me.
3. That usually if I can talk about what's making me suicidal and have some support in those matters, I tend to decide to stick around and have hope that things may get better. So, from now on, we will talk about these matters with the understanding that most likely I will stick around if I see reason to, but that I can take my life if I want, and that if she feels I'm desperate and really about to do it, she can call whoever she wants to.
4. She let me know that she cares about me and would like me to live. But that she has no control over my decisions. That it would make her sad but that she will just have to deal with it if thats the case.

After these changes, I started feeling much more comfortable about going to the sessions and our relationship changed and became one of equals. I also realised how much I can tell her and how much I want to hide. So if I really feel like I'm going to do it- I won't tell her that but I will say that I feel like suicide is the right decision for me and reasons x, y and z are why I'm feeling suicidal. And then we focus on these reasons and the sessions became much more fruitful because the attention shifted away from the panic over my suicide to finding realistic solutions to my problems.

Now, I don't know how old you are and if you are able to have such a conversation with your therapist or not. I also don't know if you are like me and your desire to ctb reduces when you see hope , or if you just want to ctb irrespective of hope or not (which is dependent on how you feel and is completely your decision). So, I don't know if this will work for you. But its worth thinking about having this conversation with her.

Hope this helps x

Thank you, this is helpful. I'll definitely think about talking to her about this, or my new therapist (since I'm getting a new one soon. Current therapist is going on maternity leave, all that). I'd just be worried about getting guilted about it, I guess. Maybe I'll try writing out a kind of script for what I'd say and see how it sounds, like how I do for phone calls. Also, I'm in my early 20s for how old I am, so my family doesn't have legal bearings over me.

Hi! 1st and foremost, I love, care about/for you and I have been there before myself more than once.

It is always such a catch-22 as far as wanting help and if one does then the situation could become more complex. Now with that aspect said that is one of the great aspects of SS , as all the love and caring that is here. I truly care about you very much as we are in this TOGETHER as we are brothers in arms.

I am not on 100% of the time but you can always pm me if you want to for kindness, support and the knowledge that you are a very important part of SS and me here.

Sending you lots of love, hugs and a beautiful sunny day!

Walter

Thanks, I appreciate the support. I'm a bit too nervous to message people just yet, but maybe at some point.

 

[whywere]

I'm already diagnosed. I can't take meds due to my body rejecting them. In the U.S., a therapist has to report when they feel the patient is in danger of harming themself, others, or in danger of being harmed by others. U.S. hospital wards are terrible, though.




Thank you, this is helpful. I'll definitely think about talking to her about this, or my new therapist (since I'm getting a new one soon. Current therapist is going on maternity leave, all that). I'd just be worried about getting guilted about it, I guess. Maybe I'll try writing out a kind of script for what I'd say and see how it sounds, like how I do for phone calls. Also, I'm in my early 20s for how old I am, so my family doesn't have legal bearings over me.



Thanks, I appreciate the support. I'm a bit too nervous to message people just yet, but maybe at some point.

HI!! NEVER EVER a problem. YOU are a very thoughtful, kind and sensitive soul and we are ALL in this together as a family. I send you lots of huge hugs, love and a sunny day at the beach!

All my best to you.
Walter

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Introusive suicidal thoughts are some of main symptoms in a LOT of mental illness. How is ever possibile not being permitted to talk about to terapist? He/she cannot make a diagnose and find a cure for you.

It's this a law things? It'violating your right to be cured! What country do you live in?

Intrusive suicidall thoughts are also a main symptom of a really unfortuante fucked up life living in a bad situation with no way to get out of it. Not everyone suicidal is mentally ill. Just saying.

It's shockingly stupid the list of symptoms/requirements for any given mental disorder. Life situations, compounding stress due to poverty, abuse and bad shit shouldn't just transfer to some disorder.

Sure some people need talk therapy and meds...but it further fucks someone to attach a disorder. It sorta blames them for living in shit.

To person posting: I really wish you could get out of there. I'm so sorry to hear.

 

[aanka]

what exactly are you worried they will guilt you about? if they guilt you, they're not an experienced therapist! because therapists are supposed to be evolved enough to know that they can't make their feelings your problem. I hope they don't guilt you. If you need a chat or anything, just send me a message xx

also, if you do feel guilty in response to what they say, then you can tell them 'I feel guilty for telling you', and then they can help you work through the guilt. because, essentially, you can't be guilt tripped into staying alive. everyone's feelings are their own problem. so if its hard for your therapist if you ctb, then they have to deal with their pain on their own

 

[Verodv]

Sure some people need talk therapy and meds...but it further fucks someone to attach a disorder. It sorta blames them for living in shit.

To person posting: I really wish you could get out of there. I'm so sorry to hear.

I'm 100% with you in this, but to exclude it's a mental problem only a broken system force his patients to lie about how they feels.

I'm not saying you have to go through al DSMV definition checking boxing or we would all be able to make auto diagnoses.
The therapy should fully try to understand your problem and then try to find out if meds are needed or not (even some mental condition cannot be trated with meds).

 

[author]

Intrusive suicidall thoughts are also a main symptom of a really unfortuante fucked up life living in a bad situation with no way to get out of it. Not everyone suicidal is mentally ill. Just saying.

It's shockingly stupid the list of symptoms/requirements for any given mental disorder. Life situations, compounding stress due to poverty, abuse and bad shit shouldn't just transfer to some disorder.

Sure some people need talk therapy and meds...but it further fucks someone to attach a disorder. It sorta blames them for living in shit.

To person posting: I really wish you could get out of there. I'm so sorry to hear.

Thank you, but I actually am mentally ill. My bad environment contributes to the fact that I wanna ctb but I also have several mental illnesses that are unrelated to the abuse. It's a mixture of both.
The DSMV has a lot of bullshit, but I certainly don't experience the world the way people without mental illness do. However, getting out of my abusive situation would only solve some of my bigger problems. I'd still be mentally ill and potentially still want to ctb.
Thank you though. I appreciate the good intentions and I hope I can get out of here too. If I'm going to ctb one day, I at least want to be free when I do it.

what exactly are you worried they will guilt you about? if they guilt you, they're not an experienced therapist! because therapists are supposed to be evolved enough to know that they can't make their feelings your problem. I hope they don't guilt you. If you need a chat or anything, just send me a message xx

also, if you do feel guilty in response to what they say, then you can tell them 'I feel guilty for telling you', and then they can help you work through the guilt. because, essentially, you can't be guilt tripped into staying alive. everyone's feelings are their own problem. so if its hard for your therapist if you ctb, then they have to deal with their pain on their own

Thank you, that's good advice. Sometimes I'm nervous to be open, but it's important. The type of guilting I'm worried about is trying to use my loved ones to get me to stay alive, essentially. It fills me with incredible guilt when people try to say how much my loved ones would be hurt, or even my dog. I get upset just thinking about it, but it doesn't make me want to ctb less, it just makes me feel worse for feeling so horrible in the first place. I've had people use that to get me to stay before. Feels awful. I end up having to comfort and reassure them while I just feel worse. I don't know if this therapist would do that though.

 

[meetapple]

When my psychiatrist asks whether I am suicidal at the beginning of every session I never tell him about my suicidal ideation. I mean he Is asking for a reason and that reason is to cover his ass. Apparently though that shouldn't land me in a hospital. But I don't know whether any good would be accomplished by admitting these thoughts to him. I mean are there medications specifically meant for healing suicidal ideation?

 

[aanka]

Thank you, but I actually am mentally ill. My bad environment contributes to the fact that I wanna ctb but I also have several mental illnesses that are unrelated to the abuse. It's a mixture of both.
The DSMV has a lot of bullshit, but I certainly don't experience the world the way people without mental illness do. However, getting out of my abusive situation would only solve some of my bigger problems. I'd still be mentally ill and potentially still want to ctb.
Thank you though. I appreciate the good intentions and I hope I can get out of here too. If I'm going to ctb one day, I at least want to be free when I do it.


Thank you, that's good advice. Sometimes I'm nervous to be open, but it's important. The type of guilting I'm worried about is trying to use my loved ones to get me to stay alive, essentially. It fills me with incredible guilt when people try to say how much my loved ones would be hurt, or even my dog. I get upset just thinking about it, but it doesn't make me want to ctb less, it just makes me feel worse for feeling so horrible in the first place. I've had people use that to get me to stay before. Feels awful. I end up having to comfort and reassure them while I just feel worse. I don't know if this therapist would do that though.

Yeah I know what you're saying, about having to reassure people when you yourself are in a bad place. Its horrible! I know. Maybe best to just keep your decision to yourself, but discuss with the therapist. They shouldn't guilt trip you like that to be honest.