trynacbt
Arcanist
- Sep 28, 2019
- 476
Holy shit, guys, I can't believe what I just went through...
As some of you know, my dad has been fairly paranoid recently, following my mother's ctb, and he is often close on my sister and I's haunches.
For context, yesterday I had a falling out with my ex and had a panic attack; this made him worry more.
This afternoon I said I was going out to buy some paper and a stapler (for my suicide notes, though I did not say this, ofc). I took a big purse so that I could hide the SN in it. My dad asked me the regular questions, which place are you going, how long will you be there, will you take your phone, etc. Finally, he let me go.
Truth was, I wanted to go to the post office for SN pick up first. And that was a little further than the stationary store. So I left and started jogging once I was out of eyesight, in order to make it in time.
I'm in line at the post office and my dad texts me asking me where I am. He says he's at the stationary store and I'm not there. I start to panic.
I tell him I went to the post office because I want to ask the details of mailing something abroad (the blanket I knit for my ex). Thankfully he buys this but continues to call me and panics.
At the post office, I grab my SN and scale and hurriedly strip them of the boxes/containers so I can throw them out and they can be smaller to fit in my bag.
At this point, I am anxious and sad and guilty for making my dad worry (he's on the older side, and I always worry he might get a heart attack). When I finally reach him at the store I'm almost crying and he is, too.
Then he apologizes for being so paranoid.... and doesn't suspect a thing about my bag.
He tells me, again, about how he feels this way whenever my sister or I leave the house, because that's the way it happened with my mom--she left the house and then he never saw her again...
I thanked him today for being my best friend. My heart is breaking. I'm so afraid that someone will find the SN (I hope to go tomorrow), and this is the closest to having second thoughts I've ever been. I just can't imagine what this will be like for my father. But I'm too far gone now to quit and I also need this so badly.
As some of you know, my dad has been fairly paranoid recently, following my mother's ctb, and he is often close on my sister and I's haunches.
For context, yesterday I had a falling out with my ex and had a panic attack; this made him worry more.
This afternoon I said I was going out to buy some paper and a stapler (for my suicide notes, though I did not say this, ofc). I took a big purse so that I could hide the SN in it. My dad asked me the regular questions, which place are you going, how long will you be there, will you take your phone, etc. Finally, he let me go.
Truth was, I wanted to go to the post office for SN pick up first. And that was a little further than the stationary store. So I left and started jogging once I was out of eyesight, in order to make it in time.
I'm in line at the post office and my dad texts me asking me where I am. He says he's at the stationary store and I'm not there. I start to panic.
I tell him I went to the post office because I want to ask the details of mailing something abroad (the blanket I knit for my ex). Thankfully he buys this but continues to call me and panics.
At the post office, I grab my SN and scale and hurriedly strip them of the boxes/containers so I can throw them out and they can be smaller to fit in my bag.
At this point, I am anxious and sad and guilty for making my dad worry (he's on the older side, and I always worry he might get a heart attack). When I finally reach him at the store I'm almost crying and he is, too.
Then he apologizes for being so paranoid.... and doesn't suspect a thing about my bag.
He tells me, again, about how he feels this way whenever my sister or I leave the house, because that's the way it happened with my mom--she left the house and then he never saw her again...
I thanked him today for being my best friend. My heart is breaking. I'm so afraid that someone will find the SN (I hope to go tomorrow), and this is the closest to having second thoughts I've ever been. I just can't imagine what this will be like for my father. But I'm too far gone now to quit and I also need this so badly.
