Story The suicide hotline bot on Reddit is a complete joke.

[Anxieyote]

Just made a post on Reddit about a videogame I have been playing. I said something like; "I have been killing myself trying to beat this level.", and the suicide hotline bot jumped in, and saved my life.

I think I literally would have died if it wasn't there to stop me from making such a rash decision. I wonder how many gamers died in the past because the suicide bot wasn't there to save them in their moments of rage and hopelessness?

 

[Makko]

Many gamers still don't know that they want the Suicide Hotline Bot to suddenly sweep them off their feet and carry them off into the sunset.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Wow. I mean…that sounds kind of hot…

Being swept of my feet and carried into the sunset I mean…not the hotline. That part sounds dead cold and heartless.

 

[suisuiforum]

There's a bot like that on one of the discord servers I'm in that just posts online resources and a short statement simply whenever someone types the word "suicide." I guess I'm completely cured after clicking a few links and reading a paragraph full of hollow reassurances!

 

[ClownMe]

Whenever I make a post/comment on r/SuicideWatch:

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Why doesn't that just say "You're not allowed to die because you're our tax slave. We need YOU! to go what your told no matter how unhappy it makes you and how much you want it to stop! NOT ALLOWED! ("fool" said in a Mr. T accent.)

 

[Anxieyote]

There's a bot like that on one of the discord servers I'm in that just posts online resources and a short statement simply whenever someone types the word "suicide." I guess I'm completely cured after clicking a few links and reading a paragraph full of hollow reassurances!

People have gotten so sick of parroting empty platitudes to suicidal people that they created a robot to do it for them.

"No need to actually talk to those weirdos. The bot will administer its comfort protocols; and dispense reassurance as needed."

 

[Rogue Proxy]

At least the pro-suffering fleshbots haven't programmed those hotline bots to track your location, forward it to the nearest authoritarian establishment, and sic the law enforcing-fleshbots on you for mandatory compliance reprogramming. For now, at least. . .

 

[Anxieyote]

There's a bot like that on one of the discord servers I'm in that just posts online resources and a short statement simply whenever someone types the word "suicide." I guess I'm completely cured after clicking a few links and reading a paragraph full of hollow reassurances!

YOU ARE VALUED, HUMAN.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE SPECIAL.
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. *beep boop*
IT GETS BETTER.
JUST HANG IN THERE.
FOR MORE EXISTENCE-AFFIRMING PROTOCOLS, REMAIN ON THE LINE.

Then the message just loops endlessly after that.

 

[littlelungs]

Let me tell you a story:

I was severely traumatized and had a number of physical and psychological problems, some of which have no actual cure or even an approved treatment. I'd been shit on by society, and all of the resources that were supposedly there for people like me, weren't actually accessible. I'd been through hell in the healthcare system and tried every possible treatment that was accessible to me (and then some, sometimes more than once) in an attempt to make life somewhat bearable, but nothing helped. Doctors and other medical professionals were completely at a loss as to what to do with me – they'd hit a wall.

Then one day I got an automated message from a robot, and everything changed: All of my physical and psychological problems were instantly cured – modern medicine had been defied. Society suddenly became a reasonably accommodating place for people with disabilities. 20 years of living with severe trauma, GONE. Even my genetic makeup had been altered.

And it was all because this magical robot told me that it's normal to have feelings, that it gets better, that I'm loved, that I'm special, to just think positive thoughts, and to get professional help. I can't believe I'd never thought of any of that! They even sent me a series of numbers so that I could hear all of this from a real person who knows nothing about me, and wouldn't even call the cops on me and have me involuntarily committed if I had the audacity to admit that I don't shit rainbows. It was like I was a brand new person.

And that's the story of how I was cured by an automated message from a robot.

 

[Celerity]

YOU ARE VALUED, HUMAN.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE SPECIAL.
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. *beep boop*
IT GETS BETTER.
JUST HANG IN THERE.
FOR MORE EXISTENCE-AFFIRMING PROTOCOLS, REMAIN ON THE LINE.

Then the message just loops endlessly after that.

Ironically perhaps, this is the kind of quality content that keeps me coming back here. Who knew ragging on bullshit pro-life messages and mainstream mental health advice could be so therapeutic?

 

[TheHatedOne]

Suicide hotline bot more like: Redditors love to spam me to other Redditors who are genuinely suffering or who are speaking the truth in order to make fun of them and bully them bot.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Hell, if Dark Souls really did kill a bunch of normie cunts, I now love it even more.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Gotta give Reddit some credit for acknowledging the site induces suicide though. Such riveting threads as "which double standard are you tired of?" and "what are some subtle ways to tell someone is smart?" have me yearning for the noose every time. Suicidebot, where are you?

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Don't worry fellow pledditors, I've cracked the code to this sophisticated algorithm, guarenteed to save millions of lives.

If(user == suicidal) {
int hotline = 1800YOUMATTER;

Print("It gets better.");

Print("Just reach out to someone. You are loved, you know. ") ;

Print("Seek professional help. We aren't qualified to help you the way trained experts can.") ;

Print("Have you practiced mindfulness meditation today?");

Print("%d", hotline) ;

}

Else if(user == notrespondingtoplatitudes) {

return unsolicitedpolicevisit;

}