NOTE: I accidentally deleted the same post before so posting this again to keep my vent.
archive : https://web.archive.org/web/2026031...-story-so-far-vents-included-pro-life.237013/
Everything sort of worsened, as it has over the past years.
I seem to have lost any ability to write properly or phrase things the formal way, so everything i'd write would be like a dumber version of something i would have written if it was my past identity writing this. I mention that to let the reader know how stupid this writing may feel like, given how valuable everybody's time is these days. I personally wouldn't waste my time reading a random person's vent, but that's because i seem to get emotionally committed and feel like doing stuffs to sort of make it better for them. That sometimes lead me to my religious O.C.D. where I prayed and prayed for everybody i could think of out of my many fears. I would randomly pray on the streets, i would bow down and pray wherever i could ( for the most part ), i would do random acts which were tiring and seemed ' awkward ' to others. But since it's a medical condition, it won't just go away no matter how much i try to control myself i think. I have been trying for two years now to control those impulses to pray because it makes me seem weird to strangers, even family, as they say ( or as i seem to remember what they said ). It started with the incidents that happened in my school. It started with what happened between me and her. It all affected me massively.
Yes,
My fault!
I know
calm down.
Obviously nobody ought to spare their time to read this vent here. I only write this to calm myself down, handle my anxiety and gain some interaction out of it. I feel heavy having to keep all of this mess in my head with nobody to clearly discuss this with. But I don't want to just discuss in a venting way without mentions of structural proceedings culminating to a solution that i could start working on for fixing and clearing the mess i have made.
I do believe that most people know what they have to do, " what is right " for getting where they want to be in the future. I think i know some solutions too. Then what do i want discussions and vents for? I believe i want to be consoled. But that sounds even worse considering how stupid i think my problems are, and how people around me are dealing with bigger and worse stuffs than this. I don't know how i would continue life while being this bitch of a man. I don't know how i would prepare myself for regular 'downs' that'll come after the 'ups'. How do i step out with this embarrassing persona of mine that i developed with years of isolation? How do i face my peers whom i passed Senior Secondary school with? They kept working, i would like to believe, and they got better. I stopped doing anything and everything to kill myself, but now i don't have the courage to go through with it ( realized after making a few attempts ). I also seem to be really pro life and i am not able to change it. But this life that i am so eager to be on good terms with, is playing. It's hurting me with the social constructs of embarrassment, achievements, personas, ambitions, hard work, 'looks' etc. I like to believe people create how they live i.e. their living condition. This means that they themselves work for everything they enjoy or suffer here. I want to work and get better too. But there's this really weird though of not being too caught up in these social constructs that i loose my real identity which seems to have acquired massive knowledge through the internet. This although is a lie because i don't know stuffs, i only bookmark things and keep them there for when i would actually need them. All in all, i wasted 2+ years after my school. I lost a lot of skills - reading, writing etc. and now I am ashamed to go out and start living while being like a really ambitious student who is also a young teen, all while enjoying everything they seem to, in the movies and stuffs. Can anyone actually relate to this? This feels disgraceful as i read, towards any people who actually seem to suffer from mental health issues and who don't even say much and don't even get the resources and opportunities that i get. But i had genuine reasons to kill mysefl. I did try to kill myself. I did stopped caring about everybody and cut contact. I did prepare. I did ruin all the healthy parts of my social circles in the past years because i just didn't care. I was ready to kill myself. Now i didn't kill myself, and i have to face this list of mess that i created with time.
But it's just that i can't seem to give up on the thought of living. This is not instinct, this is not nature's stuff or something biological. I genuinely crave things now. By things i mean, a good place, good moments , the chemicals in my brain etc. I didn't then but now i do. Even though these things do not align with what i believe. I believe in not thinking of the future, not dreaming about moments or interactions and not indulging in dopamine release through visualizing the finish line/result. I believe the process, when loved, makes life more bearable.
I am not writing anymore. Thank you so much for reading this! You took so much time to read something that someone else wrote, how sweet of you.
Bye
Night!
I most probably won't reply on this post.
Edit:That sometimes lead me to my religious O.C.D. where I prayed and prayed for everybody i could think of out of my many fears.
@truehappiness thanks for the reply! i deleted the post accidentally. Bye, Night!
archive : https://web.archive.org/web/2026031...-story-so-far-vents-included-pro-life.237013/
Everything sort of worsened, as it has over the past years.
I seem to have lost any ability to write properly or phrase things the formal way, so everything i'd write would be like a dumber version of something i would have written if it was my past identity writing this. I mention that to let the reader know how stupid this writing may feel like, given how valuable everybody's time is these days. I personally wouldn't waste my time reading a random person's vent, but that's because i seem to get emotionally committed and feel like doing stuffs to sort of make it better for them. That sometimes lead me to my religious O.C.D. where I prayed and prayed for everybody i could think of out of my many fears. I would randomly pray on the streets, i would bow down and pray wherever i could ( for the most part ), i would do random acts which were tiring and seemed ' awkward ' to others. But since it's a medical condition, it won't just go away no matter how much i try to control myself i think. I have been trying for two years now to control those impulses to pray because it makes me seem weird to strangers, even family, as they say ( or as i seem to remember what they said ). It started with the incidents that happened in my school. It started with what happened between me and her. It all affected me massively.
Yes,
My fault!
I know
calm down.
Obviously nobody ought to spare their time to read this vent here. I only write this to calm myself down, handle my anxiety and gain some interaction out of it. I feel heavy having to keep all of this mess in my head with nobody to clearly discuss this with. But I don't want to just discuss in a venting way without mentions of structural proceedings culminating to a solution that i could start working on for fixing and clearing the mess i have made.
I do believe that most people know what they have to do, " what is right " for getting where they want to be in the future. I think i know some solutions too. Then what do i want discussions and vents for? I believe i want to be consoled. But that sounds even worse considering how stupid i think my problems are, and how people around me are dealing with bigger and worse stuffs than this. I don't know how i would continue life while being this bitch of a man. I don't know how i would prepare myself for regular 'downs' that'll come after the 'ups'. How do i step out with this embarrassing persona of mine that i developed with years of isolation? How do i face my peers whom i passed Senior Secondary school with? They kept working, i would like to believe, and they got better. I stopped doing anything and everything to kill myself, but now i don't have the courage to go through with it ( realized after making a few attempts ). I also seem to be really pro life and i am not able to change it. But this life that i am so eager to be on good terms with, is playing. It's hurting me with the social constructs of embarrassment, achievements, personas, ambitions, hard work, 'looks' etc. I like to believe people create how they live i.e. their living condition. This means that they themselves work for everything they enjoy or suffer here. I want to work and get better too. But there's this really weird though of not being too caught up in these social constructs that i loose my real identity which seems to have acquired massive knowledge through the internet. This although is a lie because i don't know stuffs, i only bookmark things and keep them there for when i would actually need them. All in all, i wasted 2+ years after my school. I lost a lot of skills - reading, writing etc. and now I am ashamed to go out and start living while being like a really ambitious student who is also a young teen, all while enjoying everything they seem to, in the movies and stuffs. Can anyone actually relate to this? This feels disgraceful as i read, towards any people who actually seem to suffer from mental health issues and who don't even say much and don't even get the resources and opportunities that i get. But i had genuine reasons to kill mysefl. I did try to kill myself. I did stopped caring about everybody and cut contact. I did prepare. I did ruin all the healthy parts of my social circles in the past years because i just didn't care. I was ready to kill myself. Now i didn't kill myself, and i have to face this list of mess that i created with time.
But it's just that i can't seem to give up on the thought of living. This is not instinct, this is not nature's stuff or something biological. I genuinely crave things now. By things i mean, a good place, good moments , the chemicals in my brain etc. I didn't then but now i do. Even though these things do not align with what i believe. I believe in not thinking of the future, not dreaming about moments or interactions and not indulging in dopamine release through visualizing the finish line/result. I believe the process, when loved, makes life more bearable.
I am not writing anymore. Thank you so much for reading this! You took so much time to read something that someone else wrote, how sweet of you.
Bye
Night!
I most probably won't reply on this post.
Edit:That sometimes lead me to my religious O.C.D. where I prayed and prayed for everybody i could think of out of my many fears.
@truehappiness thanks for the reply! i deleted the post accidentally. Bye, Night!
