I've always felt lonely, ever since I was a child. I never had the feeling of a friend, relative or someone around me knowing my true self and I always felt like I didn't belong or wasn't really seen and understood.
All of that changed a few months ago when I met Bruno. We met on a dating app, and everything clicked from the start. From the bio he wrote for himself to the first few messages he ever sent me. It still warms my heart how there wasn't even a "hello, how are you?" and in half an hour we felt like close friends.
For the first few weeks, we became really close friends. We would talk at every single moment of our free time, and soon we started doing phone and video calls to the point where I would wake up at 2am to talk to him when he got out of work, and we would stay together until he got home.
It felt like a dream, finally having someone admire every single quirk and respect every single detail about you. He used to say my life looked perfect, I was perfect, no one in the world would ever be good enough because they were not me.
We started planning a trip to meet up. He lives 150km or 100 miles away, and he would have come stay the weekend. We started thinking all this romantic stuff about holding hands and cuddling to sleep and a day came when he said he wanted to kiss me.
That's when our relationship started. We spent the next day talking about it and how his mom heard him and was worried about him meeting some stranger from the internet so I planned an earlier trip to meet him instead. The next day we were already calling each other boyfriend.
That week was magical. We would plan our future, our house, our jobs, our children, our vacations, our sex. And then he came out to me as asexual. I did my best to deal with it, but I had always been insecure about my body, so he wanted to try sex (he still never did it) but wasn't sure my body was gonna attract him and he was more into the idea of sex than sex itself.
A day came, a week before our trip, when the conversation took a bad turn in which I confessed how much it would hurt me to lose him if he ever lost interest in me because I wasn't able to give him the sexual experiences he wanted. I said I would never give him up and I'd rather give sex up, and also some stuff about being here for him no matter what and never letting him go.
The next day he ghosted me, had one final conversation and blocked me everywhere, saying he still loved me but he felt used, he felt pressured into me without a choice. We stayed a few weeks apart, in which I tried contacting him 2 or 3 times and then he made a friend.
Talking to that friend, he confessed how he felt as if I was gonna rape him, to which that friend came and talked to me and got the confession that I was once raped so there was some idea within me to be raped again by Bruno for him to like me. It was a sort of idea that he had to use me in the way that evil person once did for me to be good enough. Thanks to this friend, we made peace and started talking again.
He talked about how 5 years ago he lost his father and the next 3 years were living hell, his father's family turned against him and even tried forcing him to be with a girl once. He had tried to kill himself 2 years before he met me, and the only way he survived is because he saved himself, all on his own, with no one's help. He used to define himself as a suicidal psycho and he had realized I also was like that. He was afraid one day he was gonna show me a dark side and I would leave him but I swore I never would.
He wasn't ready for a relationship, so we agreed to stay friends. We promised to sort things out this time instead of just acting on impulse and to understand each other better as we tried to fix our friendship. We started making new plans, I bought a game we never had time to play, and we planned a new trip.
He even had a dream where he saw me as the only person in his entire life who would never leave his side and leave in in the dark whenever his depression came back. We even had plans for him to buy a house, I would buy mine, I would buy a bike and we would always travel together and one day sell both houses and buy a bigger one for the two of us (but only after marriage, because to live together before that would mean having the risk to see the other leave with another man).
We went back to the idea of saying I love you, using pet names (I called him kitty, he called me foxy), and we saw that we once again felt like soulmates, destined to be together no matter what. We had all these ideas of staying in this gray area of a relationship and letting time pass by until we made a decision. Another important conversation was on thursday when he had a depressive episode and I helped him through it. We promised we would always help each other and he said he did the right thing by coming back.
That was until that saturday, 31rd of august.
We had even gone back to speaking about sex, in our trip that would happen a week from then. And that saturday morning we had a normal conversation, very loving and happy and fun like we always used to. He had a dream where an angel appeared and told him to beware of something bad that was gonna happen and the only thing that made him feel good after that dream was hearing my voice. It made him feel like bright flowers sprouted in his mind.
His brother came around and that's where it all went to shit. We said bye, I love you, talk to you soon, and he went to talk to his brother. The day passed by, and I sent him like 50 messages and tried calling his phone 20 times, because I felt an anxiety attack over the idea his brother could be turning him against me.
By the beggining of the night, he sent me a handful of messages and instantly blocked me. In those messages he talked about how the angel was telling him to do the right thing, and he was thankful for everything but wasn't ready for a relationship so he was removing me from his life. There was even a message about God and Jesus written in a way that maked me suspect his mom wrote it instead, because he didn't speak like that and isn't even a christian. He talked in a very weird way about how my father was right by saying we should split up and find girlfriends instead. Again, it wasn't him who wrote that message, I am sure of it.
That killed me. I spent a whole weekend lying in bed and didn't even shower or eat. I tried overdosing on OTC meds but that doesn't work. The week that came, I sent him a bunch of emails begging to talk, even a goodbye letter for my suicide, and that's the week I joined this website.
By the next weekend, my friend called him and had a conversation about suicide. By the way, at this point, the guy who brought us together had disappeared and never showed up again. My friend begged him to talk to me and he did, through e-mail. So instead of our weekend together, I had 100 e-mails where he talked about how I needed to save myself on my own and it would only hurt us both for he to be by my side. I begged him to help me, to be there, to show me the way out of the darkness, and he said he didn't hate me as I was saying but he couldn't be there anymore. I had to save me for my own sake, not for his.
By the end of the conversation, he just said "you're on your own now. I believe you, save yourself. See you on the other side".
Instead of that, the very next day (which was my birthday, by the way), he talked to my friend and told him "He'll never see me again, you need to tell him that. Otherwise, he's only gonna save himself for my sake, not for his. I'll never be his friend again". Over the course of september, I fucked up even worse. I asked friends to call him, message him, he blocked them all instantly. I even made a fake instagram account and he blocked it. A few days ago he removed over 200 followers on instagram and made his account private so now I can't even see his photos on browser without logging in.
I do recognize I was a stalker, and that was mostly because I wanted to beg for him to come back. There was even a day I phoned him from another person's phone and as soon as he recognized it was me he hang up and blocked it too. I was a fucking idiotic stalker and ruined whatever he still might have felt good about me. Over the course of september I think it was 2 friends calling, 4 texting, 1 fake instagram profile, 1 call from me and the e-mails which I don't even know if he ever read.
And now the worst part. A friend of mine, the same who made him talk to me that day, allegedly is talking to him on the phone again. Why don't I trust it? That friend never proved anything, he just says his phone won't screenshot the call log and Bruno is always in a rush and never has time to answer the more personal questions that would make me know it was him really. That friend simply said "his family is tracking him, they're not leaving him alone, they don't want him to be with a man. He misses you and wants to come back but he needs time as he's sorting things out. He has no way of contacting you at all, but he still loves you and misses you". But I don't have a single shred of proof and all of that might just be lies from a prolifer friend trying to stop me from suiciding.
Finally I get to explain that through all this convoluted relationship, the things that hurt me the most are: not even having a chance to say goodbye. Being abandoned the same exact way twice (a week before our trip). Never seeing him IRL, not even getting a hug from him. He was the only person who I ever dated in 26 years of life. He was the only person who ever saw my true self and loved me still.
It was the final straw. The final shred of pain before I gave up on life. 26 years of pain and I only had a handful of weeks of happiness. So many things in my life had gone wrong but I was willing to move on by his side and I didn't get to do that. Every single thing I do now reminds me of him and I just need to rest and maybe dream of him forever. That's my story.
All of that changed a few months ago when I met Bruno. We met on a dating app, and everything clicked from the start. From the bio he wrote for himself to the first few messages he ever sent me. It still warms my heart how there wasn't even a "hello, how are you?" and in half an hour we felt like close friends.
For the first few weeks, we became really close friends. We would talk at every single moment of our free time, and soon we started doing phone and video calls to the point where I would wake up at 2am to talk to him when he got out of work, and we would stay together until he got home.
It felt like a dream, finally having someone admire every single quirk and respect every single detail about you. He used to say my life looked perfect, I was perfect, no one in the world would ever be good enough because they were not me.
We started planning a trip to meet up. He lives 150km or 100 miles away, and he would have come stay the weekend. We started thinking all this romantic stuff about holding hands and cuddling to sleep and a day came when he said he wanted to kiss me.
That's when our relationship started. We spent the next day talking about it and how his mom heard him and was worried about him meeting some stranger from the internet so I planned an earlier trip to meet him instead. The next day we were already calling each other boyfriend.
That week was magical. We would plan our future, our house, our jobs, our children, our vacations, our sex. And then he came out to me as asexual. I did my best to deal with it, but I had always been insecure about my body, so he wanted to try sex (he still never did it) but wasn't sure my body was gonna attract him and he was more into the idea of sex than sex itself.
A day came, a week before our trip, when the conversation took a bad turn in which I confessed how much it would hurt me to lose him if he ever lost interest in me because I wasn't able to give him the sexual experiences he wanted. I said I would never give him up and I'd rather give sex up, and also some stuff about being here for him no matter what and never letting him go.
The next day he ghosted me, had one final conversation and blocked me everywhere, saying he still loved me but he felt used, he felt pressured into me without a choice. We stayed a few weeks apart, in which I tried contacting him 2 or 3 times and then he made a friend.
Talking to that friend, he confessed how he felt as if I was gonna rape him, to which that friend came and talked to me and got the confession that I was once raped so there was some idea within me to be raped again by Bruno for him to like me. It was a sort of idea that he had to use me in the way that evil person once did for me to be good enough. Thanks to this friend, we made peace and started talking again.
He talked about how 5 years ago he lost his father and the next 3 years were living hell, his father's family turned against him and even tried forcing him to be with a girl once. He had tried to kill himself 2 years before he met me, and the only way he survived is because he saved himself, all on his own, with no one's help. He used to define himself as a suicidal psycho and he had realized I also was like that. He was afraid one day he was gonna show me a dark side and I would leave him but I swore I never would.
He wasn't ready for a relationship, so we agreed to stay friends. We promised to sort things out this time instead of just acting on impulse and to understand each other better as we tried to fix our friendship. We started making new plans, I bought a game we never had time to play, and we planned a new trip.
He even had a dream where he saw me as the only person in his entire life who would never leave his side and leave in in the dark whenever his depression came back. We even had plans for him to buy a house, I would buy mine, I would buy a bike and we would always travel together and one day sell both houses and buy a bigger one for the two of us (but only after marriage, because to live together before that would mean having the risk to see the other leave with another man).
We went back to the idea of saying I love you, using pet names (I called him kitty, he called me foxy), and we saw that we once again felt like soulmates, destined to be together no matter what. We had all these ideas of staying in this gray area of a relationship and letting time pass by until we made a decision. Another important conversation was on thursday when he had a depressive episode and I helped him through it. We promised we would always help each other and he said he did the right thing by coming back.
That was until that saturday, 31rd of august.
We had even gone back to speaking about sex, in our trip that would happen a week from then. And that saturday morning we had a normal conversation, very loving and happy and fun like we always used to. He had a dream where an angel appeared and told him to beware of something bad that was gonna happen and the only thing that made him feel good after that dream was hearing my voice. It made him feel like bright flowers sprouted in his mind.
His brother came around and that's where it all went to shit. We said bye, I love you, talk to you soon, and he went to talk to his brother. The day passed by, and I sent him like 50 messages and tried calling his phone 20 times, because I felt an anxiety attack over the idea his brother could be turning him against me.
By the beggining of the night, he sent me a handful of messages and instantly blocked me. In those messages he talked about how the angel was telling him to do the right thing, and he was thankful for everything but wasn't ready for a relationship so he was removing me from his life. There was even a message about God and Jesus written in a way that maked me suspect his mom wrote it instead, because he didn't speak like that and isn't even a christian. He talked in a very weird way about how my father was right by saying we should split up and find girlfriends instead. Again, it wasn't him who wrote that message, I am sure of it.
That killed me. I spent a whole weekend lying in bed and didn't even shower or eat. I tried overdosing on OTC meds but that doesn't work. The week that came, I sent him a bunch of emails begging to talk, even a goodbye letter for my suicide, and that's the week I joined this website.
By the next weekend, my friend called him and had a conversation about suicide. By the way, at this point, the guy who brought us together had disappeared and never showed up again. My friend begged him to talk to me and he did, through e-mail. So instead of our weekend together, I had 100 e-mails where he talked about how I needed to save myself on my own and it would only hurt us both for he to be by my side. I begged him to help me, to be there, to show me the way out of the darkness, and he said he didn't hate me as I was saying but he couldn't be there anymore. I had to save me for my own sake, not for his.
By the end of the conversation, he just said "you're on your own now. I believe you, save yourself. See you on the other side".
Instead of that, the very next day (which was my birthday, by the way), he talked to my friend and told him "He'll never see me again, you need to tell him that. Otherwise, he's only gonna save himself for my sake, not for his. I'll never be his friend again". Over the course of september, I fucked up even worse. I asked friends to call him, message him, he blocked them all instantly. I even made a fake instagram account and he blocked it. A few days ago he removed over 200 followers on instagram and made his account private so now I can't even see his photos on browser without logging in.
I do recognize I was a stalker, and that was mostly because I wanted to beg for him to come back. There was even a day I phoned him from another person's phone and as soon as he recognized it was me he hang up and blocked it too. I was a fucking idiotic stalker and ruined whatever he still might have felt good about me. Over the course of september I think it was 2 friends calling, 4 texting, 1 fake instagram profile, 1 call from me and the e-mails which I don't even know if he ever read.
And now the worst part. A friend of mine, the same who made him talk to me that day, allegedly is talking to him on the phone again. Why don't I trust it? That friend never proved anything, he just says his phone won't screenshot the call log and Bruno is always in a rush and never has time to answer the more personal questions that would make me know it was him really. That friend simply said "his family is tracking him, they're not leaving him alone, they don't want him to be with a man. He misses you and wants to come back but he needs time as he's sorting things out. He has no way of contacting you at all, but he still loves you and misses you". But I don't have a single shred of proof and all of that might just be lies from a prolifer friend trying to stop me from suiciding.
Finally I get to explain that through all this convoluted relationship, the things that hurt me the most are: not even having a chance to say goodbye. Being abandoned the same exact way twice (a week before our trip). Never seeing him IRL, not even getting a hug from him. He was the only person who I ever dated in 26 years of life. He was the only person who ever saw my true self and loved me still.
It was the final straw. The final shred of pain before I gave up on life. 26 years of pain and I only had a handful of weeks of happiness. So many things in my life had gone wrong but I was willing to move on by his side and I didn't get to do that. Every single thing I do now reminds me of him and I just need to rest and maybe dream of him forever. That's my story.
