Mircea
Member
- Apr 15, 2019
- 83
Now that a week has passed since the event, I decided to share the story of my first practical attempt at getting off this world. It was quite the trip... a little horrifying in some ways but more of an adventure in others. This is going to be quite a story so prepare for a long post.
First a recap of what my method of choice was: During my trip to the sea, I planned to drug myself on alcohol and medication then jump into the cool water at night, in hopes of drowning without being too self aware. I prepared and took with me the following items: An alcoholic cocktail (250ml of 40% Vodka + 250ml of peach juice), 300ml of orange juice (for further washing the bad taste of the alcohol), two 5mg / 20 pill cans of Emetiral (anti-vomit medicine also acting as a strong sedative). I also had with me a tiny and cheap LED flashlight, and was wearing a compact shirt I bought specifically for this endeavor. In addition I skipped sleeping for a night, as well as eating and drinking for 24 and respectively 12 hours. The attempt started once the clock ticked 12 AM on 03 September 2019.
I won't go into detail on the preparations before the attempt itself. I'll only mention they were by far the worst part of it all: Weeks of writing notes for others, preparing to give all my stuff to people I trust, wondering how every detail is about to go down. Part of me always wanted to quit, but I swore to myself that I would not back down and will go through with this. It got more and more surreal as the day drew near, with a mixture between euphoria and deep sadness alternating every few hours, increasing as the clocked ticked closer. I believe only some of the people who attempted suicide can fully understand the weirdness of how this feels.
At around 9PM I put on the clothing I prepared and went to the peer. I took one last trip across the beach first, then waited to make sure no one else was visiting and could see what I was doing (people wander there every now and then). There's no lighting on that peer except what's coming from the city lights ashore... you can see if you have good vision and your eyes adapt to the darkness, or if you bring a flashlight with you. Although it was supposed to have cooled down by the start of September, the sky was clear and the air / water very warm without any waves that night... the situation was different just three days earlier, and the result might have been different too if I had attempted it then.
Around 11 PM I took a few emetirals preemptively to help with the alcohol consumption. As the hour drew closer to 12 AM, I opened up the Sprite bottle in which I had my alcoholic cocktail and slowly began drinking it. The taste was far more bearable than raw Vodka, but even so disgusting would be a bit of an understatement... in fact the only thing that makes me sick now is remembering how that abominable drink tasted. It took me roughly 30 minutes, but with the help of the raw orange juice to wash the taste, I managed to drink it all without much inconvenience. I then proceeded to the second phase: I took out the emetiral bottles, threw the pills in my mouth, then used the remaining orange juice to down them. By the time the drugging was complete, I only felt a little tipsy... was actually disappointed thinking I just developed a resistance and nothing will happen.
Next I proceeded to take off my shirt and place it in my pocket together with my glasses. I approached the lateral end of the peer, where there was a convenient stone ledge right at water level which I could use to get in. I dropped down with ease and began lowering myself into the water. The first thing I realized is that the experience still feels more creepy than I imagined it would in a sedated state: As much as I love the sea, that feeling of floating in complete blackness is very surreal... in the end I kept looking at the lights on the shore to have a reference point and make it feel less bizarre. It only took me a few seconds to realize that despite all the drugging, I was still far too able to swim and there was little chance I'd stop being capable of keeping myself afloat, while even if that did happen I was too awake so the experience would be a nasty one. I knew then that the plan was busted and I have to start swimming back ashore. Just as planned I relied solely on my backwards swim, meaning belly-up and swimming in a frog like motion.
And so I moved away from the stone ledge and began to go around it. My swimming was still very efficient... progress was slow but certain. As I circled around I reached the main head of the peer, which I now had several meters to my right. That's when I noticed a beam of light shining through the stones, pointed right at me as I was swimming away: Someone else had come there right after I dived in and saw me swimming. I tried distancing myself so whoever it was couldn't see any more clearly; They probably found the sight too baffling to believe anyway, but alas I will never know what those people must have thought or said as they saw this. I kept swimming sideways from the peer, until the stones were out of sight and I could see all the lights across the shore again... needless to say those lights were the only reason why I knew how to make it back.
Now I began thrusting toward land. The only sight I had in front of me was the stars. Every now and then I'd turn my head back to see where the lights were and reorient myself. As they spanned across the beach it was often disorienting: I remember eventually seeing a pink neon and telling myself that will be my reference point to swim toward. For roughly 30 minutes, all I did was float into blackness: As my mouth and nose were above water but my ears were in, the experience was made even more surreal by not being able to hear anything outside, just my own breathing with each thrust as I pushed myself backwards. It's during this phase that I noticed a light coming from my pocket: It turns out that instead of breaking upon contact with water, my LED flashlight turned itself on... likely due to seawater conducting electricity and simulating the button being pressed.
I kept swimming and swimming... until suddenly I felt sand across my back. That's when I realized I hit the shore, and was now in shallow water just up to my knees... this surprised me as the lights are further away and I initially thought I have more to go. I rolled around and tried standing up. This is when it hit me: Despite never noticing it during my swim, the alcohol and drugs kicked into action while I was in the water. This was the first time I was so dizzy in my life: I simply couldn't stand up for the first minute. But being in such shallow water, I could wait on my knees until I recovered a little. Once I was able to barely walk, I slowly stepped out of the water and onto the sand.
At this point I started realizing just how drunk I was: Everything was like a dream, I could barely feel my own body, the whole environment was spinning. Even so my rational mind was working perfectly: I knew exactly where I was, where to go, and was even on the lookout for other people so they wouldn't notice I could barely stand up and give me any trouble. I was lucky that my flashlight was still working given there's no illumination on the beach either: Instead of on and off the button now toggled between half-powered and fully-powered, I had to hold my finger over the tip when I needed to shut off the light. Before heading off I looked at my watch... I remember the hour initially confused me and I was wondering how it could be that early or late, until I pieced together the chain of events and remembered what happened. I started walking back to the villa, which despite the distance and a busy road to cross, I returned to in only 30 minutes. Once I got back I took the key from where I hid it (under the table), unlocked my room, and crashed into bed.
That's when the worst part began: I started feeling very sick, and inevitably started vomiting. Let's just say I'm happy I got away with telling the host I accidentally spilled a bottle of orange juice on the bed... she's a good friend of ours and I pondered telling her the whole thing, but I ultimately saw no benefit to it. Despite being so drunk and sleep deprived that I could barely do anything that night, I did manage to complete several tasks before going to bed: Cleaning up the edge of the bed where I threw up, washing my clothes and sandals of seawater and sand, cleaning my glasses of salt, and crazy enough I even managed to pick my phone from where I left it and record a short video log despite barely being able to talk (I have not found it in me to view it yet). Once I felt I did everything that was urgent, I shut off the lights and went to sleep.
I woke up at around 10 PM, 4 hours after falling asleep. By this time the worst had passed: No more being dizzy and I could walk perfectly, although I still had the feeling of a burn stretching from my throat to my stomach which was annoying. The first thing I did was to put away the departure letter I left on the table, realizing no one will need to read it now... it's currently hidden in my shelf, I may show it to my mother later if and when I decide to tell her about what happened. I also unpacked all the things I put back in my luggage since I needed them again. During this time I slowly had to drink roughly 2L of water to make up for dehydration... later I was able to eat a few snacks after not touching food for over an entire day. I managed to preform all daily errands around the room in an hour, and by now we could say everything was back to normal.
Later the same day I was able to board the train back to my city. The trip was fine and I arrived home without any issues. Today almost a week has passed since all this happened: Other than a running nose and lots of coughing (now also healing) it's as if nothing took place and I don't feel anything different.
The only permanent effect seems to be an unexpected one: My dreams. Every single night I relive some vague memory of how I'm trying to leave this world. I generally can't remember the details in most of my dreams, but I know I'm constantly negotiating my biological death with someone while fixating on the preparations. I don't dream that I'm drowning or anything, it's not even about water... just something abstract but very powerful. Considering what my dreams have been like for the past decade this is barely any harm, but I do admit it feels pretty weird and I'm curious if and when it will pass.
So how do I feel about this in the end? I think many in my place would tell themselves "I was such a fool, how could I do this, never again". Me though... I'm looking at it as an exciting adventure I had been through, a bizarre and unique experience like no other. The swim itself was actually relaxing: It's only the vomiting and that horrible alcoholic taste that I don't like to remember. I don't know how much I regret that my attempt didn't succeed: I kind of still wanted to live... not for my sake since I hate it here, but in part for my mother and others who care for my dumb self. If I could go back, I would do it all over again... but from here on I will probably never attempt it a second time. At least not this same plan: If I'll attempt to end my stay on this world again is up to the direction this world chooses to take.
For others attempting to leave: I'd say the key point to take away from this is to not rely on alcohol and drugs. They seem to first shut down your ability to stand up and walk right, but your conscious awareness might be completely unaffected. Further more it's apparently a lot easier to swim in some positions than to walk on land, and someone who can barely sit upright might have no issues swimming through water.
Anyway, since I care less about keeping my identity hidden at all costs now, here are a few photos of the stone peer for those who are curious:
That's the head of the peer. To the right is the spot I descended from:
At the end you can see the actual stone blocks I made my way down:
I circled across to the other side of the peer from there, and crashed on the side of the beach you see here in the distance:
First a recap of what my method of choice was: During my trip to the sea, I planned to drug myself on alcohol and medication then jump into the cool water at night, in hopes of drowning without being too self aware. I prepared and took with me the following items: An alcoholic cocktail (250ml of 40% Vodka + 250ml of peach juice), 300ml of orange juice (for further washing the bad taste of the alcohol), two 5mg / 20 pill cans of Emetiral (anti-vomit medicine also acting as a strong sedative). I also had with me a tiny and cheap LED flashlight, and was wearing a compact shirt I bought specifically for this endeavor. In addition I skipped sleeping for a night, as well as eating and drinking for 24 and respectively 12 hours. The attempt started once the clock ticked 12 AM on 03 September 2019.
I won't go into detail on the preparations before the attempt itself. I'll only mention they were by far the worst part of it all: Weeks of writing notes for others, preparing to give all my stuff to people I trust, wondering how every detail is about to go down. Part of me always wanted to quit, but I swore to myself that I would not back down and will go through with this. It got more and more surreal as the day drew near, with a mixture between euphoria and deep sadness alternating every few hours, increasing as the clocked ticked closer. I believe only some of the people who attempted suicide can fully understand the weirdness of how this feels.
At around 9PM I put on the clothing I prepared and went to the peer. I took one last trip across the beach first, then waited to make sure no one else was visiting and could see what I was doing (people wander there every now and then). There's no lighting on that peer except what's coming from the city lights ashore... you can see if you have good vision and your eyes adapt to the darkness, or if you bring a flashlight with you. Although it was supposed to have cooled down by the start of September, the sky was clear and the air / water very warm without any waves that night... the situation was different just three days earlier, and the result might have been different too if I had attempted it then.
Around 11 PM I took a few emetirals preemptively to help with the alcohol consumption. As the hour drew closer to 12 AM, I opened up the Sprite bottle in which I had my alcoholic cocktail and slowly began drinking it. The taste was far more bearable than raw Vodka, but even so disgusting would be a bit of an understatement... in fact the only thing that makes me sick now is remembering how that abominable drink tasted. It took me roughly 30 minutes, but with the help of the raw orange juice to wash the taste, I managed to drink it all without much inconvenience. I then proceeded to the second phase: I took out the emetiral bottles, threw the pills in my mouth, then used the remaining orange juice to down them. By the time the drugging was complete, I only felt a little tipsy... was actually disappointed thinking I just developed a resistance and nothing will happen.
Next I proceeded to take off my shirt and place it in my pocket together with my glasses. I approached the lateral end of the peer, where there was a convenient stone ledge right at water level which I could use to get in. I dropped down with ease and began lowering myself into the water. The first thing I realized is that the experience still feels more creepy than I imagined it would in a sedated state: As much as I love the sea, that feeling of floating in complete blackness is very surreal... in the end I kept looking at the lights on the shore to have a reference point and make it feel less bizarre. It only took me a few seconds to realize that despite all the drugging, I was still far too able to swim and there was little chance I'd stop being capable of keeping myself afloat, while even if that did happen I was too awake so the experience would be a nasty one. I knew then that the plan was busted and I have to start swimming back ashore. Just as planned I relied solely on my backwards swim, meaning belly-up and swimming in a frog like motion.
And so I moved away from the stone ledge and began to go around it. My swimming was still very efficient... progress was slow but certain. As I circled around I reached the main head of the peer, which I now had several meters to my right. That's when I noticed a beam of light shining through the stones, pointed right at me as I was swimming away: Someone else had come there right after I dived in and saw me swimming. I tried distancing myself so whoever it was couldn't see any more clearly; They probably found the sight too baffling to believe anyway, but alas I will never know what those people must have thought or said as they saw this. I kept swimming sideways from the peer, until the stones were out of sight and I could see all the lights across the shore again... needless to say those lights were the only reason why I knew how to make it back.
Now I began thrusting toward land. The only sight I had in front of me was the stars. Every now and then I'd turn my head back to see where the lights were and reorient myself. As they spanned across the beach it was often disorienting: I remember eventually seeing a pink neon and telling myself that will be my reference point to swim toward. For roughly 30 minutes, all I did was float into blackness: As my mouth and nose were above water but my ears were in, the experience was made even more surreal by not being able to hear anything outside, just my own breathing with each thrust as I pushed myself backwards. It's during this phase that I noticed a light coming from my pocket: It turns out that instead of breaking upon contact with water, my LED flashlight turned itself on... likely due to seawater conducting electricity and simulating the button being pressed.
I kept swimming and swimming... until suddenly I felt sand across my back. That's when I realized I hit the shore, and was now in shallow water just up to my knees... this surprised me as the lights are further away and I initially thought I have more to go. I rolled around and tried standing up. This is when it hit me: Despite never noticing it during my swim, the alcohol and drugs kicked into action while I was in the water. This was the first time I was so dizzy in my life: I simply couldn't stand up for the first minute. But being in such shallow water, I could wait on my knees until I recovered a little. Once I was able to barely walk, I slowly stepped out of the water and onto the sand.
At this point I started realizing just how drunk I was: Everything was like a dream, I could barely feel my own body, the whole environment was spinning. Even so my rational mind was working perfectly: I knew exactly where I was, where to go, and was even on the lookout for other people so they wouldn't notice I could barely stand up and give me any trouble. I was lucky that my flashlight was still working given there's no illumination on the beach either: Instead of on and off the button now toggled between half-powered and fully-powered, I had to hold my finger over the tip when I needed to shut off the light. Before heading off I looked at my watch... I remember the hour initially confused me and I was wondering how it could be that early or late, until I pieced together the chain of events and remembered what happened. I started walking back to the villa, which despite the distance and a busy road to cross, I returned to in only 30 minutes. Once I got back I took the key from where I hid it (under the table), unlocked my room, and crashed into bed.
That's when the worst part began: I started feeling very sick, and inevitably started vomiting. Let's just say I'm happy I got away with telling the host I accidentally spilled a bottle of orange juice on the bed... she's a good friend of ours and I pondered telling her the whole thing, but I ultimately saw no benefit to it. Despite being so drunk and sleep deprived that I could barely do anything that night, I did manage to complete several tasks before going to bed: Cleaning up the edge of the bed where I threw up, washing my clothes and sandals of seawater and sand, cleaning my glasses of salt, and crazy enough I even managed to pick my phone from where I left it and record a short video log despite barely being able to talk (I have not found it in me to view it yet). Once I felt I did everything that was urgent, I shut off the lights and went to sleep.
I woke up at around 10 PM, 4 hours after falling asleep. By this time the worst had passed: No more being dizzy and I could walk perfectly, although I still had the feeling of a burn stretching from my throat to my stomach which was annoying. The first thing I did was to put away the departure letter I left on the table, realizing no one will need to read it now... it's currently hidden in my shelf, I may show it to my mother later if and when I decide to tell her about what happened. I also unpacked all the things I put back in my luggage since I needed them again. During this time I slowly had to drink roughly 2L of water to make up for dehydration... later I was able to eat a few snacks after not touching food for over an entire day. I managed to preform all daily errands around the room in an hour, and by now we could say everything was back to normal.
Later the same day I was able to board the train back to my city. The trip was fine and I arrived home without any issues. Today almost a week has passed since all this happened: Other than a running nose and lots of coughing (now also healing) it's as if nothing took place and I don't feel anything different.
The only permanent effect seems to be an unexpected one: My dreams. Every single night I relive some vague memory of how I'm trying to leave this world. I generally can't remember the details in most of my dreams, but I know I'm constantly negotiating my biological death with someone while fixating on the preparations. I don't dream that I'm drowning or anything, it's not even about water... just something abstract but very powerful. Considering what my dreams have been like for the past decade this is barely any harm, but I do admit it feels pretty weird and I'm curious if and when it will pass.
So how do I feel about this in the end? I think many in my place would tell themselves "I was such a fool, how could I do this, never again". Me though... I'm looking at it as an exciting adventure I had been through, a bizarre and unique experience like no other. The swim itself was actually relaxing: It's only the vomiting and that horrible alcoholic taste that I don't like to remember. I don't know how much I regret that my attempt didn't succeed: I kind of still wanted to live... not for my sake since I hate it here, but in part for my mother and others who care for my dumb self. If I could go back, I would do it all over again... but from here on I will probably never attempt it a second time. At least not this same plan: If I'll attempt to end my stay on this world again is up to the direction this world chooses to take.
For others attempting to leave: I'd say the key point to take away from this is to not rely on alcohol and drugs. They seem to first shut down your ability to stand up and walk right, but your conscious awareness might be completely unaffected. Further more it's apparently a lot easier to swim in some positions than to walk on land, and someone who can barely sit upright might have no issues swimming through water.
Anyway, since I care less about keeping my identity hidden at all costs now, here are a few photos of the stone peer for those who are curious:
That's the head of the peer. To the right is the spot I descended from:
At the end you can see the actual stone blocks I made my way down:
I circled across to the other side of the peer from there, and crashed on the side of the beach you see here in the distance:
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