The silence that's making me mad

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

I feel like the silence of not being able to speak to anyone about how I'm feeling is eating me up inside. It literally feels like I'm going kind of mad from it. My wish to CTB is there all the time, when I wake up I feel sad that a new day is here and sleep is far away yet again.
It's like I have to keep showing up and putting on a face because no one I know can handle the truth, I can teel because just hinting at it makes them anxious or mad.
I've thought about seeing a therapist but I'm worried they'll lock me up somewhere. Not to talk about getting a better life because I still really want to ctb, just to have a safe space to talk about it. I'm hoping this can become that space where I'm feeling not judged for these thoughts.

Anyone else feel like life is putting on a facade and feeling like not talking about what they are really feeling is tearing them up from the inside?

 

[Ruma]

I'm sorry to hear you have no one in RL to vent to. I don't know about therapists because I've never been to one before,so don't know how much you can say before they cart you off to the funny farm. Just know you can vent on here to your hearts content without being judged.

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

Thank you so much for your response, you don't even know how much it means to me

 

[SilentSadness]

It's certainly true, that anyone you reach out to will be unwilling to talk about suicide and respect your rights at the same time. It seems that the purpose of suicide prevention is to prevent suicide but not suffering, and it has been a huge success if that is the aim. I have been unable to meaningfully discuss it with anyone for several years so I don't feel much despair about it anymore. I know you are suffering and it is unfair that you are being treated this way by the people being paid to help you. Although, for me life is overwhelmingly negative so I am not surprised that things like this happen on a daily basis. I hope you get peace anyway.

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

Thank you so much for saying this, it's nice to hear someone else gets it. And yes you are right, life is really negative so I'm almost also not surprised when I hear about something where people treat each other badly.
I didn't mean the people that is paid to do so, I meant my family. I'm too afraid to go to someone I'm paying because of being sent somewhere by force if I'm expressing how I'm really feeling.