Venting The shame is overwhelming

[foggyskies_]

Ahh, another one of these! I'll try and keep it short. I apologize for posting on here for such silly reasons. I wish I'd never vent at all, that I had the strength to keep every single feeling inside. I want to be a purely positive force, I want to be the friend that my friends see and go, "Wow, she never complains! She has so many problems in her life and she never once opens her mouth about it!"

Unfortunately, we can't have what we want, can we? I struggle to see how I haven't annoyed them to hell and back with my vague attempts to keep quiet about my feelings, while still clearly signaling that I'm falling apart. I've been clean off of cutting since New Years, and I'm sort of proud of it. But I have a feeling that I need some sort of terrible habit under my belt to stay sane. Awful line of thinking, I know! I'm a crazy person after all. Alcoholism, drugs, cutting, starving are all off the table. I don't want my health getting any worse. Bashing my joints against things seems to be the best option right now. I'm too weak and arthritic to do any real damage, it won't break the skin, I won't damage any organs, I won't end up incontinent. I'll just have some fun bruises at most and get the endorphins I wanted. If I can keep that up, then it'll coast me through to keep me alive until I'm worth something! Yay!

Anyway, the point of this post. It's becoming increasingly apparent how useless I am. Even though I'm going to college, even though I'm looking for a job, I'm still worth nothing to this household. I add literally nothing. I need to save up to move out so my family doesn't have to waste their money on me. If I can't get a job or federal aid soon, I might start going back to dark places... I don't want that. I don't want to kill myself. I just feel like I have to. Everyone around is already dissapointed in me, if I can't clean up my act soon enough, what else is there left to do? My brother told me today that all I ever do when I'm not in class is sleep, use my computer, or phone call my friends. And he's right. I'm utterly lazy and deplorable. I ought to be better than this by now! Hahahaha...

Eighteen is supposed to be the age to have fun, right? I don't know. The more I've let myself have fun the past few months, the more my worth decreases. I know I shouldn't be this way. I have to be an adult. If I don't get a job and a 4.00 GPA and get my driver's license then I might as well be dead. Something like that. Ahh, I wish I had a vice that helped. I wish I could drink without consequences. I'm gonna go do homework or something.

 

[quietism]

I apologize for posting on here for such silly reasons.

No need to apologise and your wellbeing is not a silly reason.

I have a feeling that I need some sort of terrible habit under my belt to stay sane. Awful line of thinking, I know! I'm a crazy person after all.

"terrible" habit idea: making a habitt of posting introspective thoughts on sasu. :p

Another that comes to mind is asmr videos. It's something I can only do when I'm in the mood for it, I like the ones with a cute or silly vocal script. Feels like a weird habit, but it's pretty harmless. Of course do what works for you, these are just a couple ideas.

It's becoming increasingly apparent how useless I am. Even though I'm going to college, even though I'm looking for a job, I'm still worth nothing to this household. I add literally nothing.

Your words remind me a lot of a manga that I read recently: "my lesbian experience with loneliness". I posted a little about it in this thread, and don't be deceived by the title, I think it's a touching manga regardless of your gender/sexuality. I'd recommend you check it out if you're okay with its trigger warnings.

Basically, even if it truly is the case you don't have a job or any household value, you still have the potential to turn it around and find happiness.

Eighteen is supposed to be the age to have fun, right? I don't know.

Nope. No fixed age for stuff like that. Arbitrary life deadlines are just that, arbitrary. Sure, it sucks when we can't do the thing that we're "supposed" to because that's "normal", but normality is also very constraining. It's your life and you make the rules for what's important.

 

[foggyskies_]

No need to apologise and your wellbeing is not a silly reason.


"terrible" habit idea: making a habitt of posting introspective thoughts on sasu. :p

Another that comes to mind is asmr videos. It's something I can only do when I'm in the mood for it, I like the ones with a cute or silly vocal script. Feels like a weird habit, but it's pretty harmless. Of course do what works for you, these are just a couple ideas.


Your words remind me a lot of a manga that I read recently: "my lesbian experience with loneliness". I posted a little about it in this thread, and don't be deceived by the title, I think it's a touching manga regardless of your gender/sexuality. I'd recommend you check it out if you're okay with its trigger warnings.

Basically, even if it truly is the case you don't have a job or any household value, you still have the potential to turn it around and find happiness.


Nope. No fixed age for stuff like that. Arbitrary life deadlines are just that, arbitrary. Sure, it sucks when we can't do the thing that we're "supposed" to because that's "normal", but normality is also very constraining. It's your life and you make the rules for what's important.

Thanks for hearing me out. I'll think about it. SaSu has become such a therapeutic place for me, I hope to see you around in other threads because it really does help... I'll look into that manga, too. Sophie Margolin's art also helps me feel less alone, maybe you've heard of her?

Ultimately, I know a lot of things I said here are delusional. I know I'd never repeat this stuff to another in my situation in sound mind. OCPD and decades of being abused really makes you twist in knots. I appreciate the reassurances though. Cheers ♡