Venting The shackles of empathy. Tortured by existence, eternal stalemate.

[milkinsideabag]

I can not seem to shake the empathy I feel for others. I am stuck here. I have everything laid out, I know of a good plan to commit suicide, yet I am still here. I want to die before the summer ends. But what has been holding me back is my relationships with friends and family. My parents have their issues, neither are perfect, but they love me. My mom, dad, and other family members truly do seem to care about me, or at least the "me" that I show to them. I have been moving into a new house, with my mom. Seeing old photos from when I was younger from only 2 years old to just a few years ago is a difficult feeling to describe.

I rarely cry, I seriously can not recall the last time I cried prior to this, but two nights ago, while on my phone I came across a video of a mother calling into a radio show and talking about how her child had committed suicide, fighting back tears the entire time she talked. Along with that, and the depressing things I had been looking at the last 1-2 hours, it fucking broke me. I started sobbing at 3:14am, alone in my bed. I wrote it down in the notes app of my phone so I could remember. I can not get over that anguish I would be passing onto others if I took my life. The guilt they would feel, wondering what they could have done to prevent it, these thoughts are on my mind constantly. I am in so much pain, I just want it to end. I seem mostly fine to them, I think. I was put in a psych ward about 1-2 years ago for suicidal ideation, but only my mom, dad and brother know about that. That seems like something of the distant past to them, I'm sure. After all, who would want to believe their child was still suffering? But the truth is, the thoughts never went away, they just take new forms, they adapt. What bothers me is that I do not seem depressed to them, I am putting up a front that I am unable to take down. I often times wish they did not care, I wish no one cared, so there was not this barrier. Not to mention leaving a note, what are on earth could I even say?

I have no friends in real life, but I have a considerable amount of online ones. I have grown very close to my online friends over time, and I do not know what to do in regards to informing them of my decision to commit suicide either. Just more people I would be hurting. Who all do I tell? How do I tell them? These things I wonder often. What must I do to finally be able to end it all?

Thank you for reading. Feedback, advice, or commentary is appreciated.

 

[Traveller12724]

I am sorry that you are facing that conundrum, it's a heavy burden but at least you know that you were loved in this life, I am not sure how much that's worth to you but it seems like it's worth a bit to you, now whether that's enough to counter the pain you feel is a question that only you can answer. I hope with time you can find the clarity you need.

 

[Eli]

Hello there,
Thank you for sharing all of this. For me, taking off the mask of being "fine" is so difficult. I am glad you are able to at least do it here. I relate to what you shared about feeling that the only tether to not ending it all are some of the relationships with friends and family. It's a double-edged sword where on one hand, being alive is incredibly unbearable that it seems like the only answer is through death, and yet there is a strong part that wants to protect and not bring pain to those friends and family. It's so hard to hold those two dualities at the same time, and that has made me feel very stuck.

Through your post, it sounds like there is a big part of you that just wants to know how to get rid of the attachments to staying alive to escape the depths of your pain. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers on how to do that, as I am in a similar boat. However, I just want you to know that I hear you. That might not mean much and maybe this reply isn't helpful at all to you. I will leave it with what you said resonated a lot with me and I hope we are both able to reduce our suffering in some way. Take care.